Survivor: All-Stars

Survivor Penance 01.30.04

This Sunday: Hour Zero is upon us. CBS and Mark "The Apprentice" Burnett will test my resolve with an all-star edition of Survivor that brings back past winners and losers and includes twists where there were no twists before. I will wear it like a hair shirt.

Everybody Loves Richard 02.02.04

CBS has kicked off another season of Survivor, but this isn't just another season of Survivor. In this one, everyone's an old pro at the game, and I think I heard something about the possibility of some twists!

And Then There Were 37... 02.09.04

I'm all excited about how radically different Survivor: All-Stars is going to be, but so far it feels like another of those super-sentimental final-three Retrospectives of Survivors Past. Let's thin the herd and start the action, already!

Move Over, Granny Fairplay 02.13.04

Survivor is inventing new ways to eliminate contestants without all the tacky reality-show moments. "Voting off" is so five minutes ago. But home makeovers – that's fresh!

You Know What You Can Do With Your Vicuna 03.04.04

Lo and behold, they've sent the fancy boy packing (not that there's anything wrong with that). Victory, she is sweet. Twists, however? Meh. Let's whip Sue into another frenzied tirade, those always pay off.

"He touched his... penis! Against my... penis" 03.11.04

The freakshow that is Survivor: All-Starscontinues to deliver the thrills. To paraphrase young Dirk, with twists like these, who needs twists?

It's Pronounced "Throatwarbler Mangrove" 03.15.04

This week on Chapera's Island Vacation: a further reduction in the season's challenge count, and – with the loss of Sue and the last remaining flashback footage of Hatch – an army of nudity pixelators are pink-slipped.

Running with Scissors 03.23.04

The key to Survivor is strategy, but everyone's too busy posturing and panicking to ever get around to it. Yet another reason that Survivor: All-Stars is a fundamentally terrible idea.

I Heart Jerri 04.07.04

Burnett and his slavering lackeys have finally chosen the right time to rig one of the Survivor challenges, but this still makes a pathetic first show back from "clip week."

My Milkshake Is Better Than Your Alliance 04.15.04

Survivor disappoints me this week, because Rob gets what he wants, and Amber manages to narrowly escape the prospect of having to consider that maybe her life might be able to continue without Rob. The point is, I don't like Rob.

Forgo the Poncho 04.22.04

Isn't alertness supposed to be a survival instinct? For reality show players, the contestants on Survivor sure have lost touch with reality.

Final 18 is Good Enough! 04.23.04

In the course of this week's episode, Shii-Ann refers to the other contestants as "stupid, stupid people." I'd like to see them prove her wrong! (Not that I am optimistic.)

Shii Devil, We Hardly Knew Yii 05.05.04

It's about to get interesting on Survivor. Which is easy to say, because it's always about to get interesting. It just never quite does. These dummies are just too happy with their bad strategy. Also, God damn Burnett for making me dislike Shii-Ann the least out of the remaining contestants, just in time for her to be voted off!

It's German, for "The Boston Rob, The" 05.07.04

I've often been told that my reviews are more entertaining when I'm reviewing something I don't like very much. If only I'd hated Down With Love a tenth as much as I hate Survivor. Maybe someone would have read that review!