Wed, May 14, 2008

These are the days I just want to kill myself. (On the other days, I want to have some bacon, then kill myself.) I get up, all ready to compose another delightful upfronts quiz, and these are the three new shows I have from the CW network: 90210, Surviving the Filthy Rich, and Stylista. Why, God? (And by "God," like most people, I mean Sumner Redstone.)

Remember when the CW network started and we all believed it had some promise? That it might actually combine the best of what WB and UPN had been offering? Well, America refused to oblige. Veronica Mars fell to the Pussycat Dolls reality "talent" search – and it's been more of the same ever since. Gossip Girl is okay, if you like that sort of thing, but otherwise the CW programming schedule is just an irredeemable shitheap. We should've known putting Gilmore Girls and pro wrestling on the same network would rip a hole in the fabric of space-time. (Although, think of the awesome crossover potential!)

90210

A: A daring reboot of the teen soap follows solipsistic, entitled rich kids in high school when one of them discovers that all his friends have been genetically engineered by their parents and are controlled by a massive computer "brain" in the school's basement. Buffy meets The Breakfast Club.

B: A pale and lazy reboot of the teen soap follows two new students to West Beverly Hills High as they encounter the drama and conflict amongst sexy rich kids with boundary issues. Saved by the Bell meets Mutual of Omaha's Wild Kingdom.

Surviving the Filthy Rich

A: A tabloid journalist goes to work for the rich granddaughters of a cosmetics billionaire and must adjust to the temptations and trials of living amidst the wealthy and powerful.

B: A reality competition like Survivor, but instead of surviving on a remote island with only the occasional giant feast to sustain them, contestants must follow Paris Hilton and do whatever she does. (Last one to put a bullet in his head wins!)

Stylista

A: A vampire from the future crash lands in Manhattan and poses as a sought-after fashion designer to avoid arousing suspicion with her bizarre appearance.

B: Reality competition in which "fashion enthusiasts" compete for a job at a fashion/lifestyle magazine. They split their time competing in timed coffee runs and writing magazine copy to win each week's challenges.

Answers: 90210: B; Surviving the Filthy Rich: A; Stylista: B

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