Tue, January 29, 2008

I detest Julian Schnabel. He's on a short list with Darren Aronofsky and Jim Jarmusch – directors whose work I will forever avoid because I find it pretentious and egocentric and not at all interesting. In each case, I've gone against my instincts and watched one of their movies, and my suspicions have been confirmed. Is it even possible to pronounce the name "Julian Schnabel" out loud without thinking "overblown faux-art fuckwad"? Not for me, although perhaps it's because his first name sounds like a certain red-haired non-actress.

Of course this isn't fair. Neither is my fiery vendetta against Julianne Moore or Michael Gross or Michelle Williams (whom you'd have to be at least as hard-hearted as I am not to feel a little bad for right now). It's not fair, but it works. To explain it best, I think you have to understand the concept of "Belush."

Belush is a nickname I created for the cards K9 in Texas Hold 'Em Poker – a dopey joke on the Jim Belushi movie K9. Because of that nickname, it's one of my favorite hands, and I tend to play it even when I shouldn't. Obviously, I'd fold against massive pre-flop re-raises, but generally I treat it a lot more like KK than K9. And it works. (Sometimes.) Because a lot of poker is about luck, but you can't get lucky if you fold early. You can't get rich if you never fold either, but if you have a few "pet" hands that you play more often than you should – especially hands like K9 that aren't just terrible – you have a chance to get lucky now and then. Plus, it randomizes your play so you become difficult for other players to nail down.

So, loathing certain directors is like that. There are too many movies out there to see them all. This gives me a filter to avoid a few that, sure, I might like them, but chances are I won't. And, just as I won't let someone put me all-in with Belush before the flop, I won't stay away from a Pixar movie just because Erika Christensen's in it. I would've seen Aronofsky's Watchmen if he'd made it, even though I'd be grumbling all the way.

Of course, it'll take a lot of raving to get me in front of a screen showing The Diving Bell and the Butterfly. When Kathy Bates mentioned it on nomination day, the title set me off immediately. For some reason, the image that popped into my mind was that kid from Gummo, sitting in a tub. (The kid may not have been in a tub in Gummo; it's just my faulty memory. Don't e-mail me.) "Ugh," I thought. "More extended shots of people thinking about things." Besides, we just had The Squid and the Whale – is this going to be the new way to name arty little indies? Should I re-title my spec script The Matriarch and the Iguanodon and send it straight to the Weinsteins?

Then I heard it was made by Schnabel and I thought, "Typical. That pretentious fuck would name something 'The Diving Bell and the Butterfly' even when it's got nothing to do with marine exploration nor caterpillars." Then I realized it's adapted from a book, and Schnabel had nothing to do with picking the title. (Well, he still chose that book, didn't he? Fucker!) Then I found out what the book was about and I nearly passed out. My instincts were right; this isn't a movie I need to see. And I still say it needs a new title. My Left Eyelid springs to mind.

Finally, I was perusing EW's nomination coverage, and saw where they'd given Schnabel a forum to give the acceptance speech he won't be giving whether they hold an Oscar ceremony or not. Next to it was a picture of him, which surprised the hell out of me because I always expected him to be wiry and effeminate. Instead, he's cultivating a look which would best be described as "French Joe Eszterhas." I'll go ahead and stick with my irrational hatred.

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