Wed, May 16, 2007

The CBS upfronts are in. I almost feel bad for TV executives these days, with the Internet and all. It made them kill Nikki and Paulo. Everything they do is under a microscope. Then again, they're stupid, greedy, and short-sighted. Plus, ungodly rich. Do they really deserve our pity?

I don't usually cover the reality shows, but I think it's hilarious how close Kid Nation comes to recreating a fantastic South Park episode. (Minus the false molestation allegations, of course. Gutless network cowards!) Forty tween-aged kids were abandoned in the New Mexico desert and forced to create their own society. Sadly, from what we're told, this is more of a schmaltzy Extreme Makeover type show, less gritty Survivor or Lord of the Flies action.

CBS is only launching five narrative shows this time. They are bringing back Rules of Engagement, though, which – sue me – I'm glad to hear. It has its problems, but two of its three leads are so deliciously fun to watch, I hardly even care.

I've decided to try something new with these shows: I'll give you the title and then two possible synopses. One of which is the real one and one I just made up. You can try to guess which is which. (The answers – which may surprise you – are at the bottom of the page. I wanted to print them upside-down, like on the Shoney's kids' menu, but I couldn't figure out how.)

Swingtown

A: A serialized drama set in 1970s Chicago follows various relationships through the Sexual Revolution, with key parties, wife swapping, and plenty of shag carpeting.

B: When terrorists pump a dangerous neurotoxin into the water supply, a small town is saved by rival terrorists who have inadvertently dumped a counteragent into the pipes. The chemical reaction neutralizes the deadly threat, but the side effect is that everyone in town hears ska music ringing in their ears day and night.

Moonlight

A: A respected jeweler and family man takes a night job as a chauffeur to the celebrity elite, and finds an underworld of camaraderie and intrigue amidst the regular guys who work on the fringe of the spotlight.

B: A private investigator – who happens to be a vampire – struggles with immortality and battles with fellow vampires while he works to solve cases. When he falls in love with a mortal girl, things get even more complicated.

Viva Laughlin

A: Multi-camera sitcom about a posh Manhattan family that moves to small-town Nevada when the paterfamilias closes a huge land deal. Green Acres fish-out-of-water hijinks ensue.

B: A man and his family run a casino in Laughlin, Nevada. The ensemble cast experiences the usual tribulations of running a small business with your family – except this family frequently breaks into song.

Cane

A: A family of Cuban immigrants has a legacy in the sugar industry; a rival family has sold rum for generations. Their conflicts and inter-generational frictions explore the evolving concept of the American Dream.

B: A sugar farmer springs his wrongly incarcerated brother from prison, but ends up killing him in the process. The show follows his struggle to keep his farm afloat and his family together while dealing with the repercussions of his secret.

Big Bang Theory

A: Ensemble historical drama set during the Manhattan Project. When you collect the world's greatest minds in one sequestered camp, they come up with some very interesting things to do in their spare time.

B: Half-hour comedy about two theoretical physicists who share an apartment. When they meet a sexy new neighbor, she gives them a new perspective on life.

That was fun, but now I'm feeling kind of let down because some of the shows I'm most interested in seeing aren't getting picked up. Maybe I can talk CBS into buying my ideas – at least they wouldn't have to change the letterhead!

Answers: Swingtown: A; Moonlight: B; Viva Laughlin: B; Cane: A; Big Bang Theory: B.

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