Wed, May 16, 2007

ABC's upfronts were yesterday, and I'm really starting to feel like someone is pulling my leg.

Knights of Prosperity has been canceled, as expected. This is a shame. I didn't write enough about this show because ABC cruelly dumped it in January, and by the time I'd actually managed to watch a few episodes off TiVo, it had already been pre-empted twice and was teetering on the brink. But the show found its tone a few episodes in and was very funny and likable. Shame.

Of the new stuff, the highest profile shows are the ones everyone is talking about, but most of those people are sputtering mystified sentence fragments. ABC is producing a prime-time sitcom based on the cavemen from those Geico ads. "They what?" They've also launched a Grey's Anatomy spin-off, based on McDreamy's ex-wife. "Uh... why?"

I don't think I need to add to the discussion on either of those. It's self-evident what's wrong with Cavemen (though I give them credit for the title; see below) and the less said about Grey's Anatomy the better. Reading through the rest of the synopses, I'm beginning to agree with my mother: the fake show pitches I posted last fall were more interesting, and possibly more viable as actual shows.

Eli Stone stars Jonny Lee Miller as a lawyer whose brain tumor makes him see visions. The visions tell him to become a better person or something. As a Huff fan, it would be hypocritical for me to criticize this idea, but those were always my least favorite parts of Huff, and also: You, sir, are no Hank Azaria.

Big Shots converts Four Kings to an hour-long "dramedy" format and adds heavy hitters like Michael Vartan and Joshua Malina. I think this is the first time anyone has ever referred to either as a "heavy hitter."

Dirty Sexy Money stars Peter Krause as an idealistic lawyer (aww, TV writers are so cute!) who goes to work for a rich family and gets seduced by their lifestyle. The title implies they're aiming for a Desperate Housewives sort of vibe. Two Housewives and two Grey's – it's all about innovation!

With Cashmere Mafia, Darren Star continues his quest to wring every last penny out of his association with Sex and the City. I don't mind that there are two dueling City clones out this fall – that just means two more hours of quiet introspection for me each week. I don't mind that they have nearly identical oh-so-clever titles. (NBC's is Lipstick Jungle – it's like a Mad Lib! [Insert sexy couture word] [Insert contrasting cutthroat word] [Collect bag of money].) I'm just astonished that networks think there's more money to be mined there. Will anyone show up for these shows? (Full disclosure: I said the same thing about 300. Clearly, I'm more clueless than a Hollywood executive – itself a staggering thought.)

Pushing Daisies, from Barry Sonnenfeld and a writer of Heroes, is about a guy who can reanimate any dead thing he touches. So, he steps on a bearskin rug, and it's all, "Roarrr!"? I like how Heroes is a hit (by NBC's standards, that is; it's still faltering since January) and so everyone thinks we demand supernatural shows. My policy: only if they involve Jennifer Love Hewitt's boobs. Anyway, maybe people will flock to this show; don't ask me.

Women's Murder Club is a great title and brings to mind a grown-up Nancy Drew kind of situation. Not sure if that's what they're going for, since the women in question are a detective, a D.A., an M.E., and a journalist – it could be a more 9-to-5 sort of club. Still, easily the most intriguing prospect on this list.

God bless 'em, ABC has actually picked up some half-hour comedies. They don't even sound all bad (except Cavemen).

Miss/Guided is a Never Been Kissed type of deal. Judy Greer returns to her high school as a guidance counselor and finds that the same high-school drama exists in adulthood. I'll follow Judy Greer into hell (in fact, I TiVo'd a few episodes of Two and a Half Men she was on – basically the same thing), but I'm concerned about the "created by Ashton Kutcher" element, and also the stupid title. At least Cavemen has a simple, clear title that doesn't try to get a laugh on its own. The best shows are like this: Cheers, Seinfeld, Friends, NewsRadio, The Simpsons, Family Guy, Futurama, The Office.

And, for that matter, Carpoolers, which is kind of like Big Shots in a car. No one can deny that the Alec Baldwin carpool sketch was the funniest thing Saturday Night Live did this year, but is this really a good idea for a sitcom? Whether or not it catches on with audiences, I'm sure networks will love it. The entire set-design budget just goes to a car and a green screen. (I'm told they might actually get out of the car. Oh. –Ed.)

Finally, Sam I Am stars Christina Applegate in a sort of My Name Is Earl-meets-Regarding Henry sort of thing. She wakes up from a coma, learns she was an awful person, and tries to be better. I'm lukewarm on the concept, but I've really liked Christina Applegate in her post-Babysitter's Dead career, so I'm withholding judgment for now.

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