Wed, March 7, 2007

At last, Survivor: Fiji's luxury/poverty "twist" has begun to bear fruit. As predicted, Burnett was in no mood to give the "luxury" team (Moto) a free ride forever. Even he could see that it would make for very boring television to continue watching them whomp on the malnourished, exhausted, and rage-crazed Ravu. But, ingeniously, he refused to hinge their comeuppance on something as simple as an immunity challenge win.

Instead, he gave them a terrible choice to make. One that would create a greater psychological rift than merely having to leave their fancy camp because they lost a challenge; one that would play into the underlying experiment that he and Probst are conducting in the first place.

Let's revisit some of the questions in that experiment, from this season's first column:

Of course, Moto gains a sizable advantage from food, water, and a good night's sleep. But will that make them complacent, lazy, and dependent? Will Ravu work harder to overcome the underdog spot?

The underdog motivation has been strong, but not enough for a win. So, Burnett focuses on the dependence aspect, giving Moto the choice – after their fourth straight immunity victory – between unity and luxury. If they keep the immunity idol, they must swap beaches with Ravu. Or they can stay home and give Ravu immunity. Have they become so accustomed to their laid-back lifestyle that they'd rather sacrifice one of their own than leave Moto beach? Resoundingly, yes. Living at the nice camp has allowed them to forget that a game of Survivor is even afoot. (Admittedly, one barely is.) So, being voted off the show is the furthest thing from their minds, and none of them sees a downside to giving up immunity. Why wouldn't they opt for a trip to Tribal Council, if it means they keep their stuff? What can they lose?

Possibly their self-respect. Certainly mine.

Which is a weird thing, because in no way do I watch Survivor with an expectation of respecting people. But even when it's not there to begin with, you can still tell when it's suddenly gone forever, you know? Especially with Moto – up to now, we've barely even seen them, because Ravu has been losing so consistently that all the drama is happening over there. The camera goes where the whispered voting conversations are. At Moto, we've only seen Boo, because he continually displays the kind of clumsiness that, as a contractor, should have resulted in his death many times over by now.

And Gary, because he's sick. At least, he says he is. The Survivor medical team keeps showing up, throwing some Aussie accents around, then clearing him of "anything serious." So, are they saying he's faking it? He can barely move around camp, but he walks to challenges unassisted, so I would believe them if they said it, but it still seems unlikely. He spends most of his time in a crumpled heap, cradling his head like a chubby, bewhiskered Rodin sculpture. He says, through shallow breaths, that this is worse than his tour of duty in Vietnam.

The reward challenge is for food (rice, fish, spices) and more cushy pillows and blankets, including a king-sized bed to put them on. Even if Moto's win weren't a foregone conclusion, you'd root for them, because where would Ravu even put this? The teams will stand on a balance beam over the water and try to move each member from the far end of the beam, across all the other people, to a platform at the start of the beam. In a prissy rule that exists only for Coach Probst to holler about it, you can only touch one person at a time: the person you're moving past. (In almost any case, touching more people is just going to throw more people into the drink – it's a liability anyway. But this way, hollering!) Ravu makes some early progress – at last there's an advantage to being starved and rail-thin – but then people start falling in. "There's a learning curve to this challenge," barks the Coach, "you will figure it out as you go along." It's amazing how his mind works: this is something he easily could have mentioned during the presentation where he described how the challenge works. We all knew then that there would be a learning curve. But he waits until he can yell it at them in his semi-condescending tone, as if to say, "People, come on! Will you just believe me about this learning curve?"

Moto has devised a strategy of squatting people down and hopping over them rather than trying to waltz past them, and as soon as the bulky Lisi is through, this strategy really pays off. Ravu has had to restart a couple of times, due to screw-ups by Anthony (you can believe he'll hear about this) and Mookie (you can believe he won't). The balance challenge is tipped in their favor a little, but once it becomes an endurance challenge, they're done for.

Back at Ravu, Rocky is screaming and throwing things in a tantrum about their loss. On the return from last week's Tribal Council, he spent a lot of time criticizing Anthony for being whiny, even though we've seen no footage to support this. To Rocky's mind, there's no irony here: "I'm not being negative; I'm stating the obvious. There's a difference." Anthony decides he'll continue to irritate Rocky, because if Rocky becomes completely unhinged he'll be less of a threat. If Rocky becomes more unhinged than this, I'm not sure anyone survives, but I'll go with Anthony for now. Originally, he seemed as confused as I am over what he could have specifically been doing to bother Rocky, but now he seems to know, so apparently it has just been left out of the show.

Yau-Man is at Exile Island, where the mini idol clues have become ridiculously redundant. Next week, Clue #5 will just be a picture of Sylvia with a dumb look on her face.

At Moto, Gary continues to writhe in pain. He had malaria once. This is worse than malaria and 'Nam put together! (Survivor Medical Team: "Here, have these Flintstones chewables. You're fine!") Liliana, whom we've heard referred to but never actually met, is spending some time massaging the guy guys (Alex, Edgardo, and Boo) and chatting flirtatiously. Which is sort of what you do. Some people are flirtatious and some aren't. It's not a rule, but generally the attractive pixie types are more flirtatious than the round, matronly types. They've always gotten attention from guys, they're comfortable around them, they can't sleep with everybody, so they flirt with guys in platonic group situations like this. Also, specific to Survivor, it's not a bad strategy move if you're more attractive than, say, Brenda Blethyn. But Lisi finds it distasteful. (Notice – not for nothing – Brenda Blethyn would kick her ass in a bikini contest.) She calls it "sneaky," which is somewhat confusing, since Lisi herself is in a secret alliance with these guys. Between that alliance and these massages, one is much more out in the open. Besides, it's Liliana's fault she's more attractive than you? She's got an obvious, proven advantage, and she's going to use it. If you had it, too, you would – or you'd be an idiot.

And Lisi employs this old saw: "I'm Latin. I know how my people work." I'm never comfortable with this sort of internal racism – "It's-okay-I'm-in-the-club" – because it seems like if you're trying to eliminate cultural stereotypes it would be a good strategy not to keep saying them out loud. But, leaving that aside, this is a pretty cruel thing to say about Lili. Lisi doesn't know her well enough to say if she's a sneaky person, but she'll attribute underhandedness to her anyway, based on her low opinion of her own "people." If Lisi is Latin (and, to look at her, I never would have guessed), I have to say, they seem like a bitchy and opinionated bunch.

The medics return and tell Gary there's essentially nothing medically wrong with him. It's his choice, leave the game or suffer some more. Nice, guys. On top of his excruciating pain, let him live with the fact that he bailed on a million dollar opportunity. Alex the hunky lawyer is in a panic. If they lose immunity, without Gary, they'll be down to a 7-7 tie with Ravu. I think he can calm down – the numbers game is only really important near the merge, or if both teams are fairly well matched, physically. Ravu is on the ropes; going up against them at a 14-7 disadvantage wouldn't hurt Moto. Besides, this is Gary. Moto is unlikely to turn to themselves at a challenge and wail, "If only we had the wheezy old fat guy!"

Then Rocky snaps, and I'm completely done with him. He delivers one of those Chapelle's Show Rick James contradict-myself-in-the-same-run-on-sentence paradoxes, where he says he's only held in his feelings about Anthony because he needs Anthony's vote but he also doesn't care about Anthony's vote. (What? And also: that was "holding in?") He says he's going to have to "lead by example" – so far, his example is berating people who try their best and pitching fits when the team loses. It's not leadership so much, but then again, it's better than what this group has going so far.

But then he surprises us again: his approach to leadership by example is to strip down to the nude and harass Michelle while she's trying to read the memo about the upcoming immunity challenge. How the fuck does this help? He defends it as a morale booster (to "focus attention on something that's not losing," exactly the way his unending tirades don't), but his malnourished delirium is advanced indeed if he thinks this is likely to lift anyone's spirits. Besides, be naked if you want to; I'm all for that. But you have a responsibility to keep it to yourself. Richard Hatch would stroll the beach or sit around camp without pants on, but he'd never walk up to someone and place his arm on her shoulder, as if to say, "Please note: the penis!" It's confrontational, it's classic harassment, and I'm quite proud of Michelle for dismissing it with no comment whatsoever.

As the memo says, there actually is an immunity challenge – Alex correctly predicted this departure from the usual Survivor sick-out tradition. In this game, four of the competitors will be locked in cages, three of them floating in the bay, and someone will have to row out and unlock the cages, with each freed teammate taking over and running the obstacle course to free the next person. Then they row ashore, form a human pyramid, and reach up to unlock the last cage. Probst will be holding one of those sealed bottles with a secret message for later, probably the most ridiculously adorable of this show's many concessions to its own mythos.

The challenge unfolds as expected: Ravu doesn't seem to be completely out of it at first, but soon they're far behind. At the end, there's a set of keys that must be tried against the final lock, so Ravu might've picked up some time here if Michelle made a lucky pick and Stacy didn't, but Moto's lead gives Stacy enough time to find the right key and that's that. Probst blows weeks of dust off the impenetrable seal of the secret bottle, then cracks it open. The note gives Moto its deceptively weighty choice: immunity or pillows? They pick pillows; Rocky scowls at Anthony and wonders if he can't trade the immunity back to them.

The way Andre sees it, there's no reason for Moto to get into a lot of Survivor-style backstabbing and subterfuge just because they're finally going to Tribal Council. They can easily spare Lisi and Cassandra (oldish women who aren't particularly fit), so why don't they agree to one of those and just call it good? This is absolutely true. It's what should and nearly always does happen at a team's first vote. It should surprise no one. Lisi acts shocked.

In an interview, Alex brings up the natural objection to this, saying you need to mind the "interpersonal relationships" because those bonds may be important later. True enough, but: if you vote Lisi off, you can safely ignore your bond with her. He's nice to worry about people's feelings, but it's not like you're telling these women something they don't already know. Pre-merge, you get rid of dead weight before physical competitors; Lisi and Cassandra should've considered this before voting to trade away Moto's immunity. (As before, it isn't explicitly stated whether this trade would be permanent, but I think it's safe to assume it's not. It wasn't permanent before.)

Like Alex, Stacy is also in an alliance with Lisi. Amazingly, she also has problems with Andre's speech, calling it "naïve." As year-ago-Jameson said it: "It's odd how the lines of morality end up being drawn in Survivor. It generally tends to split along the lines of what you personally have done or not done, or what your friends have done." The reasonable thing is to agree in advance that the weaker people should go first, to keep Moto strongest for the next challenge. The argument against this is if Moto somehow prizes togetherness over strength – and we know the exact opposite is true, because they just voted to trade away immunity to keep their food, comfort, and bed rest.

Stacy says it's a team of five, referring to her alliance, which is basically four strong people and Lisi. (Can you guess who organized this alliance? Hint: she's probably really pushy and arrogant and satisfied with herself for being able to manipulate people. And possibly Latin!) Seems to me, Cassandra's not in that alliance, so you can vote for her in accordance with Andre's reasoning and keep your alliance under wraps. Cassandra or Lisi make obvious targets; a different vote could be pretty suspicious. You can't voice that bullshit "they help out at camp" defense, either, because no one does. Between challenges, Moto just lounges around on their cushy furniture. It's their right; they won it. But it doesn't entitle anyone to workhorse status.

As a metaphor for... everything, really, a sea snake sheds its skin. This looks a lot like a sea snake puking up a long, slimy booger. It's revolting and it's extremely close to the camera. It's also happening on top of one of the show's many prop skulls (possibly the immunity idol, although the editing implies this happens at Moto). You can believe that Burnett has just bought a new house for the cameraman who happened to capture that.

And we find ourselves at a meeting of the super-awesome alliance of five who will never disband and whose like-minded approach to the game makes them so certain to win that we should just cancel every immunity challenge between now and the final five. Lisi wants to vote for Liliana because she's threatened by Liliana's strength and her proven ability to bond well with the other strong members of Lisi's own alliance. (But she doesn't explain this reasoning, of course – it's so sneaky it could almost be called Latin!) Stacy is on board because she'll be damned if some homeless man is going to tell her what to do. Alex, Boo, and Edgardo don't see the logic in keeping Cassandra around. Maybe they want to keep the alliance hush-hush for now; maybe they just see the obvious benefit to keeping Lili around, even if she quit the flirting and massaging. Lisi and Stacy say they're sticking with their votes so the guys should just vote with them. Alex sees no reason to argue the point further – so clearly his success as a lawyer has more to do with the hunky good looks and less to do with any legal skills. Anyone who finishes law school with the ability to say, "I was going to tell you about this mountain of physical evidence and my client's airtight alibi, but you know – you do what you want," clearly spent more time partying with guys whose dads own law firms than he spent studying.

Seems like an excellent opportunity to bail on this dumb alliance and vote for Cassandra with Boo, Andre, and Edgardo. Or better, include Cassandra and Liliana and vote for Lisi. An alliance doesn't make sense if its weakest member is able to unilaterally decide on votes that nobody else agrees with. Of course, Alex doesn't do this. He and everyone else vote with Lisi. I'm starting to get how that sea snake feels.

Probst queries the group at Tribal Council, and Andre explains that he doesn't feel very included in the decision process, which is presumably why he brought up his strategy idea in front of the whole group. Edgardo gives possibly the best TribCon answer I've ever heard: "If Dreamz feels [like he's being marginalized], I'm gonna make sure he doesn't feel like that any more." Accountable, cooperative, and sincere. He doesn't pass the buck, trivialize Andre's feelings, or make it Andre's fault. I like this guy! He's definitely cooler than the many other Edgardos I know.

Lisi takes a different approach, regaling Hall Monitor Probst with tales of Andre's psychotic, crazy "soliloquy" – the way he dared to approach the unenviable but unavoidable question of how you select one of your friends to vote off, by pragmatically evaluating the physical strength and endurance that people bring to challenges. Preposterous! That never happens on Survivor!

Andre responds that "Shelillaquie" was the lady who used to style his mom's hair, and tells Lisi she can step off. (No, he doesn't; but he should.) Liliana points out that she brings strength to the challenges and helps the guys fish. You get the sense he asks each person what they offer and then the editors just pick out the one who's on the chopping block. Because Probst steadfastly insists that he is not watching the dailies.

So Liliana is toast. You know, I began this episode with some underdog sympathy for Ravu, which quickly dissolved because they've become so dysfunctional they can't even live with each other during the few hours each day when they're not losing challenges. But Moto has surged to a commanding lead in terms of how much I hate them, for assuming their luxurious accommodations simply absolve them from having to play Survivor, and then playing it in such a monumentally stupid way that they cut an innocent player who was only contributing her strength and helping them win. As Liliana says to a torch-snuffing Probst, "If they didn't get me out now, I was gonna beat 'em." For the first time in history, that tripe in the final interview about how "they targeted me 'cause I'm a threat" will ring true.

As she presents her vote to the camera, Lisi hisses, "The alliance is five, not six!" which is indicative of her paranoid ability to construe everything as though someone is attempting to insinuate themselves into her precious alliance or trying to sabotage it. She's arrogantly consumed with her control of the game, and dismissive toward everyone. (Cassandra worries about Gary's health; Lisi just worries she'll have to "babysit him.") I can't remember hating a Survivor contestant more. Certainly she sets a record for turning me around – I was utterly indifferent to her an hour ago. She's pushy, stupid, ignorant, classless, and mean. And, like Aras, it's working for her – it's a perfect storm of my resentment!

In a cutaway, Alex casts his head down, ashamed that he and everyone else went along with the Liliana vote. Yes, Alex. Yes, you're a stupid, stupid fuck. And you're getting played by Lisi, which has to be the most shamefully nutless thing ever.

I'm elated, of course. These articles are a lot easier to write if I hate someone, and this is the first time I've wanted both teams to lose and lose hard. Usually what'll happen is I'll kind of like one or two people and then I'll find myself actually rooting for one team or another at challenges. Now I'm free! Me and Coach Probst can just kick back and watch the fireworks.

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