Wed, February 14, 2007

I have a theory that you secretly love the little peccadilloes that have become part of the onebee Survivor tradition. The endless arguments about workhorse-vs.-martyr; the constant complaining about Probst; the long-winded explanations of how the editing makes it impossible to get to the real truth; the flat-out refusal to adopt stupid Burnett lingo, like "survivors," "tribes," or "tree-mail" [shudder]. And, most of all, the pantywaist excuses for why the Survivor column is "late." (Actually, I have no such theory. But it provides a fantastic segue.)

This week's column would've been written on Sunday except for two saucy redheads who entered my life (and my heart) and changed it (and it) forever. The first is Holly, whom you all know well. She insisted that I start watching Battlestar Galactica this season, and even after I started TiVo'ing it last October, she has continued to insist that I start actually watching the recordings. The second is Anna, whom I was dating for a couple of months, but who decided she would prefer to play the role of Her in the short story "Her Loss," which has been told and retold by my friends and family in sincere and comforting tones over the years. Anna doesn't own a TV (I know! It was doomed from the start.) but she loves BSG, and so a few weeks ago when I was thinking of catching up on the first half-dozen episodes on a lazy – er, relaxed – Sunday, I didn't. I watched NUMB3RS or something instead, and saved the BSG marathon in case she wanted to snuggle and watch it together. While I was watching NUMB3RS and admiring the cut of David Krumholtz's jib, Anna was "thinking a lot about us," so a few days later I learned I had postponed the New Caprican resistance for naught, but by then the Sunday was already burned.

So, I watched it this Sunday instead – when I should've been chronicling the beginnings of Survivor: Fiji. I got through ten episodes, plus the "Story So Far" recap, which I watched back in October but mostly forgot. It's a profoundly interesting show, although I get the sense that the average Battlestar Galactica episode is not my cup of tea. The third season begins with most of humanity living in a small settlement on a planet they've called New Caprica, under the occupation of robots called Cylons which were built by humans a half-century ago, but rebelled against their creators (as robots often do; they eat old people's medicine for fuel) and nearly wiped humankind off the galactic map. They also designed new versions of themselves – still robotic, but only distinguishable from humans via a blood test. In late season two, when this latest Cylon surge occurred, the rest of the humans were orbiting above New Caprica, and they left rather than fight the Cylons – with a plan to return and battle them later when they might stand a chance of winning. (The show isn't 100% clear on this, but I think that's all the humans that still survive. A few thousand, some on the ground and the rest in those spaceships that ran away.) So, to start season three, the Cylons are a lot like TiVo – we created them; they control us; in some cases, there is love. Except I haven't heard of any TiVos having a half-human baby. (Yet.)

The show asks questions about how a machine that knows it was created by people still believes in a god – particularly a god that seems to desire the eradication of those people. The Cylon-human romantic relationships are also intriguing: if someone is almost completely indistinguishable from a human, what's to stop you from loving them? (In this case, the usual answer is that Cylons are unfailingly committed to human extinction. But allegedly not all Cylons.) The show leaves other questions maddeningly unapproached, such as why the Cylons don't continue with further upgrades. (They could keep their human appearance but add WiFi telepathy. Or they could shoot lasers from their eyes.) There continue to be just two types of Cylons: the humanoids and the original "Centurions," which look like big walking toasters (a slur that is often hurled at them in a winking reference to fans' remarks about the clunky special effects from the 1970s version of BSG). Why keep building the toasters? Just to keep a servant class around? (If so, aren't you risking the same rebellion the humans suffered?) And why not build newer humanoid models? Is it because nobody wants to knowingly invent his own replacement? That would be a fascinating episode. Where's that episode?

The first four episodes of season three were fantastic, detailing the humans' resistance on the ground, the attempt to coordinate a battle plan with the space-based humans, the struggles with (and acquiescences to) the Cylon occupiers. And, of course, the battle for freedom and the abandonment of New Caprica. (Which, oddly, the Cylons then abandoned also. It seems like one side could go back now, no?) Since then, there's been an increasing frequency of weird dream sequences, and also some fishing around in the humans' backstories, and one episode about transporting people through a radiation field to an algae-based food source. (At this point, I think it was more than just the late hour that was telling me to give BSG a break for a while.) I'd like to see more episodes about what the Cylons want, exactly. For a long time, it seemed like they wanted the extinction of the human race, which made plenty of sense since the Cylons are apparently self-sustaining. But the show says that the Cylons appeared on New Caprica intending to live peacefully with the humans (and no, the parallel between the robots occupying a human settlement in the hope of peace and U.S. troops occupying Iraq in the hope of democracy is not an accidental one). Now it's kind of unclear whether the Cylons still desire peace, or if they would happily blow up more humans, given the chance. I'm sure there will be more episodes about this. I just hope I don't have to wait through too many more glitchy robot nightmares.

Anyway, Holly is a faithful reader of the Survivor columns. (Anna, to my knowledge, is not.) So this seemed as good a place as any to discuss BSG in the context of whining about why I didn't write the Survivor column on time. Also, to ask: Holly? What's the deal with their paper? For some reason all the corners are cut off, so a sheet of paper is a tall, stretchy octagon instead of a rectangle. I assume it's not for fear of paper cuts, since they've effectively doubled the edges and pointy corners. Is this a conservation thing? It's true, you almost never print anything right in the corners (although the annual Oscar ballot would be a bitch to layout).

With that out of the way, let's turn to an even greater question: Why the fuck doesn't the first episode of each Survivor season have at least four Tribal Councils? Because, even with that one brave soul who generously quit the show moments before Probst and his merry-makers were to force him into a raft and out to sea, there are still 19 brand new personalities we have to meet (three or four of them neither lawyers nor bartenders!) and many of them get lost in the shuffle. We've never actually met Liliana, and we still have no idea what Mookie or Stacy do for a living. This is a sign that your show has too many goddamn people!

I think they should start by ejecting the last person to set foot on the island. Sorry, chump, too slow! (Or too chivalrous – oh, that's gotta burn.) Next there should be an immediate physical challenge for a massive, unimaginable reward (something really surprising, like, say... tons of food!). Not between the teams that these people will ultimately be split into, but between two randomly selected ad hoc teams that exist just for this challenge. A really physical, in-your-face challenge, with a lot on the line. At the end of that challenge, each team votes off one more person, right there on the beach. No secret ballot, no cutesy Probst chat time – show of hands, who looked at you funny? (Face it, TribCon votes in the first few episodes seldom amount to more apt reasoning than this.) Bam! You're down three people before the second ad break. Add another TribCon at the end of the episode, and it's a manageable 16 for episode two. (Better yet, start with 18, the previous absurdly-high number they'd use. Then you're down to 14 friends right away. Perfect!)

Of the menagerie making their debut, there are just a few we need to know so far. Only one of them is on the Moto team, so we'll start with him. Andre has nicknamed himself "Dreamz" even though the captions on the show refer to him by the nickname "Dre." (It's unclear whether this is a separate abbreviation of "Andre," or some kind of venn diagram hybrid of "Andreamz.") He insists that "Dreamz" symbolizes "strive and achievement." (But the Z is for attitude!) He was once a homeless street performer, so he knows from striving and achieving. (Actually, the show introduces him as a "cheerleading instructor" but he's the one they cut to in the opening row-in when Probst mentions that one of this year's group is a "former homeless street performer." Hopefully they didn't just instinctively cut to a black guy whenever homelessness is mentioned, the way the networks do at the State of the Union.) So far, he takes the Cao Boi part: energetic agitator, prone to inappropriate racial remarks seemingly intended in good humor but quickly the source of discord. This is notable in that it pits him against...

Boston Rocky. His name is James but he goes by the nickname "Rocky" because he looks something like Sylvester Stallone's scrawnier cousin and speaks with an indecipherable accent (which is actually much closer to Boston Rob than it is to Sly). When Probst questions him about his nickname during the awesomest kickball pick ever, James casually notes that he goes by many nicknames. It's unclear why this is such a point of pride for him, but Probst insists that he narrow it down to something Probst can use to refer to him. It's yet another fantastic element of the mystifying Probst psychology that he insists on playing dumb in these situations.

For some reason, Probst aggressively pretends like he has nothing to do with this show other than narrating the challenges, staging the trust-and-teamwork interventions at TribCon, and presenting the million dollars at the end. He pretends to have no idea what James's name is unless James tells him. He asks the group which one of them is the architect, as if he doesn't know. He's an executive producer on the show, for Christ's sake – does he honestly expect us to believe he's not watching dailies? And, for what? It's not like he serves as a viewer proxy by acting so ignorant. We knew all about James/Rocky and Sylvia the architect well before he asked.

Sylvia is the architect, by the way, which means she was called upon to lead the construction of the luxury shelter at the very start of the episode. A delicious "twist" this time is that one camp will have a fancy, engineered shelter with sofa, kitchen, toilet, and shower, while the other will live off the land with a machete and a rock the way they did on the original Survivor (and presumably still do in the international versions). Whether you're on the luxury team or the survivor team is pretty random, dependent on the kickball pick and the first reward challenge. Random, that is, unless you're Sylvia. Sylvia was fated to join the poverty team from the moment the casting department said "architect." As the inevitable leader of the construction effort, she's the one Probst puts in charge of the kickball pick (a fun honor in itself, since she controls the whole thing for both sides) which means she's the odd man out, sent to Exile Island (yes, that stupid "twist" is back, along with two mini idols this time – it's at the point where the only true twist would be a season without twists, and oh, how merciful that would be). She'll return, of course, to join whichever team loses the reward challenge – and the other team is the luxury team. Between this shaft and that dipshit Jude Law movie, the architecture profession is unlikely to pick up many new recruits this year.

Also on the Ravu team is Anthony, to whom I profusely apologize in advance. He's a friend of Alex, whose Oscar party I attended (and awesomized) a few years back, and who is a pal of Holly's among others. Anthony, I'll probably be saying some fairly hurtful things about you in this space, and I assure you, it's nothing personal. In fact, this goes for all Survivor contestants, past, present, and future (except Boston Rob, and maybe Aras): I don't know you, and I don't have anything against you. The only version of you I know is the one presented to me by the Survivor editors, and we all know that's not who you are. So if I make fun of your bone-chillingly stupid decisions or asinine personal values, I promise I'm making fun of the Survivor character, and not you. It's just my job. I wish you the best of luck. It's certainly not the easiest way to make a million dollars. Just ask Richard Hatch (which is also the name of the actor playing BSG's former vice president – so there, to all you doubters who thought the connection between Survivor and ten hours of Battlestar Galactica was tenuous at best!).

The other people you need to know so far are: Erica, Jessica, Rita, and Yau-Man. Here's why:

Erica and Jessica form one of those super-quick alliances with Boston Rocky, which makes them all totally BFF and they're gonna last together till the very end, y'all. They decide to get rid of Rita at the first Tribal Council, seemingly based on nothing more than the fact that she doesn't seem to have any close ties, so it should be easy to line up votes against her. However, before they even get a chance to approach anyone with this plan...

Rita has already developed a consensus that Jessica should be the vote. This is based partly on the perception that Jessica contributed to the reward loss, because the last part of the challenge was a puzzle that she finished less quickly than the Moto people did. History is a complex web of interconnected causes and effects, but whenever anything bad happens, the last thing to happen right before it is the sole cause. Keep this in mind; it will save you a lot of time on essay questions. The contestants are all still getting to know one another, so there are seemingly few good reasons to vote for one person's eviction over another's, but reasons like this fall below others like who's physically likely to contribute to future challenges or even who's not obnoxious. Rita proves herself to be a student of Survivor quorum-building, because she approaches Yau-Man with phrases like "we all adore Jess" and "most people seem to think" she's the one to vote for, which nicely imply the existence of a majority she may or may not still be in the process of building. Well played. (She also says that Jess has been "flying under the radar," which – isn't it a tad early to know that? Unless that's code for "not helping at camp." You don't want to get me started on workhorse vs. martyr.)

Yau-Man is notable for two things: his Bruce-style island skills (cracking coconuts, brewing tea) and his utter pragmatism when it comes to the vote. He just wants to keep the strongest people who will give Ravu the best chance to avoid future votes, but he also understands the importance of voting with the group, because he doesn't need to be calling attention to himself. As he says at TribCon, "if everyone thinks like me [vote out the physically weak first], I'm going to be a target." I think he's safe for a while, since he's so useful to have around, especially at the poor camp. And, given a few days, he should be able to shore up his position if he's as smart as he seems to be.

At Tribal Council, Probst is really trying to get a rise out of Ravu for having contributed sweat equity into the palace that Moto is now living in. He demands to know how they've "convinced themselves" that this is okay, but in reality it was not really under anyone's control, so the only person with a right to feel stiffed is Sylvia, who's still hanging out on Exile Island with a few hundred sea snakes and a momentarily worthless mini idol clue. It's clear that Probst would like to use the Fiji season to conduct a variation on the Favorite Child experiment. Of course, Moto gains a sizable advantage from food, water, and a good night's sleep. But will that make them complacent, lazy, and dependent? Will Ravu work harder to overcome the underdog spot? Honestly, who gives a shit? But this is the sort of thing Probst amuses himself with in between forcing the teams to grapple with each other to prove to him how good they are at teamwork.

In the end, Jessica is sent home, which is a dagger through the heart of my already teetering Survivor Hottie Postulate. She feels "backstabbed," which is a strange way to describe a situation in which she received six out of nine votes – since the people who promised not to vote for her did in fact vote for other people and thus failed to betray her. (And can you really take the very first Survivor vote personally? I submit that you can not.) I think it would have been smarter if Erica and Boston Rocky had betrayed her – or at least it would have been much easier to understand. As it is, they may have revealed themselves to be outsiders on Ravu, and for what? In service of a loyalty that is already meaningless? Disappointing Jessica won't hurt them now, because she's out of the game. (Let's pretend for the sake of argument that there's no "Outcast" re-buy or any other moronic "twist" she can avail herself of.) Their alliance of two won't suddenly be able to add the three people they need for a majority, just because they've shown their solidarity by not voting for her. Seems to me, they've grasped the concepts of Survivor (alliances, voting, people) but have failed to apply them.

Nevertheless, another season of Survivor has begun. So there's that.

© onebee · all rights reserved