Fri, December 15, 2006

My own Survivor Hottie Rule has fallen. Nothing huge, of course; they just lopped off Parvati one vote earlier than they should've. Her own fault for being relatively awesome at challenges and for deciding to play a little strategy (three or four weeks too late, but still). From the looks of things, she and Adam focused all their energy on getting Jon eliminated before them (after all, as long as that happened, she said she'd "feel like [she had] won") and decided to start playing their own game only after he was eliminated. Too bad for them: as a well-known rat, Jon probably would've been their best hope to switch the vote on Yul's alliance at the right moment.

For Parvati, this strategy involves flirting (previously quite effective) and testing Aitu's outlier, Ozzy, for signs of flippability. He's interested in having a backup plan, but considering he wins a lot of immunity challenges, he sees no reason to rock the boat on an even-numbered vote. If he'll flip, it'll be at the final five Tribal Council, where he and two others can be sure of a majority. The typical last-minute strategic-opportunity spa trip is this week's reward, giving her some alone time with Yul and Ozzy. For the second week in a row, the decision of who goes on the reward with the winner is not made by the winner – in this case, Ozzy is joined by the second- and third-place finishers. I love this, because it's dumb enough you get to share the rewards – it shouldn't also be a political decision who you share them with. The weird and innovative challenge in this case is for everyone to roll around in a mud pit, then run back to a bucket and wipe as much mud off themselves and into the bucket as possible. Winners are decided in order of how heavy their buckets are after ten minutes of this. It's interesting and weird, and everyone ends up completely covered in mud – almost as if they've just been to a spa! I hesitate to give the challenge designers this much credit, but the season began by controversially dividing the teams by race, and now everyone is exactly the same color. For visual cuteness only, the winners board their learjet for the spa exactly as they are. At some point before buckling in, Ozzy scrawls "I ♥ It" into the mud on his chest. If this is in fact a Naked Gun 2 1/2 reference, I officially like him 15% more than I did before.

Back at camp, Becky and Sundra huddle under the shelter to avoid a rainstorm. For some reason, they would rather stay muddy than wash off and let the relatively fresh rain rinse them clean – which makes their strategy discussion look like something from the DVD deleted scenes from Apocalypto. Becky has suddenly realized that Ozzy has a competitive streak and is having a lot of success winning challenges. (Where has she been? Was Jon really that big a distraction from everyone's game?) After Yul's return, they're informed of Parvati's flirting at the spa – though apparently the naked hot-tubbing isn't mentioned. Yul says he's underestimated Parvati – which is true, to the extent he has assumed she won't try to win the million dollars.

Once Ozzy wins the immunity challenge (by, once again, "attacking the course"), Aitu's options are to vote for Parvati, who is flirting with Ozzy and trying to flip him, or Adam, who is saying things like, "As long as he doesn't vote for me, I'm fine with Yul controlling the game." This makes for a pretty easy choice. I mean, you've got one person whose strategy is to try anything to gain a numbers advantage in an increasingly unpredictable final showdown; and another who sees no reason to shore up numbers, who'll sit quietly while anyone other than himself is eliminated, and whose avowed strategy is to "start winnin' immunity" all of a sudden despite a miserable track record at challenges. After a Tribal Council that focuses an inordinate amount of time on the subject of Jon's hat – when really it's Nate's stupid hipster lid that should be set on fire and chopped into little pieces, and feel free to leave it on his head while you do it – Parvati is sent packing. (It bugs me when a spa person heads straight to the jury, because now she's getting a shower anyway, which means the one at the reward was wasted.)

In the five previous seasons I've covered Survivor I've succeeded in writing up the two-hour finale episode only twice. It's very difficult to do, because a season of Survivor is like that first time you sell your body in a seedy Bangkok motel – the minute it's over, you immediately want to jump in the shower and wash away any memory of it, never to think of it again. One time, I offered up a quickie postmortem of the endgame right after the Sunday episode, but I doubt I'll have the energy to do that this time, since I don't care at all about anyone who remains. The other approach is far more fun and leverages the tiny amount of energy I have between the Thursday and Sunday episodes: "pre-live-blogging" the finale, with predictions of what these idiots will do next. I enjoyed the hell out of it last time – rereading it just now, I had a few good laughs, plus it was fun to be dead right about a lot of it. But I'm realizing that this season is considerably harder to predict. I attribute this to the controversial racial divide – while it offered the casting coup of no old people, it also provided the producers with a limited set of characters to choose from, and we didn't get the same extreme personalities we usually do. As a result, people are harder to read and harder to pigeonhole into Survivor stereotypes – the strategist, the ditz, the "kamikaze that's gonna bust a wedge."

So, I go into this with a great deal of trepidation. I hate to be wrong (like I was about Jon, and Parvati, and Yul), and I have to admit, these people might surprise us. It's possible Adam will convince Ozzy and Sundra to break their alliance and aim for a better finish (it probably depends on how seriously Ozzy takes Yul's final two offer). And he may even be able to get Sundra to convince Aitu to vote for Ozzy, then target Yul with his threesome's vote and get the mini idol out of the way. He's specifically said he will not do this kind of thing, but technically it is possible. Far more likely, Ozzy might stage his own little mutiny – his options are a lot better against Sundra and Adam than they'd be against Becky and Yul. It's confusing and terrifying, especially with three tribal councils to go, but these people are still Survivor contestants and that means they'll act pretty predictably.

8:12:05 - Following a bunch of commercials, credits, and recaps, it's the quietest night-vision "return from TribCon" footage ever. Nobody's surprised, or even unhappy. Adam acts like he's not the only one left in front of the firing squad, because he has the ability to actually forget this.

8:13:34 - Yul interviews that he made a strategic decision to eliminate Parvati, but this was overshadowed by his innocent decision to bring Jon's tattered hat to Tribal Council, an act he probably wouldn't even have been credited with if Probst hadn't thrown a hissy fit over it.

8:15:19 - Ozzy interviews that he is awesome.

8:16:36 - The next day, it's an immunity challenge right off the bat. They've got three of these goddamn things to squeeze in – and Burnett nixed an ingenious plot to run two immunity games simultaneously – so they have to hurry. The five remaining contestants must each tell a story about specific actions they've taken to influence the course of the game. Probst buzzes out anyone who makes something up, and the person who talks for the longest time wins.

8:18:08 - Sundra goes first, and manages to talk for thirty-eight seconds.

8:19:18 - Becky describes some strategic decisions she's discussed with Yul, and manages to stretch it to three minutes.

8:22:23 - Adam gets about a minute and a half in before he mentions a decision that he made and gets buzzed by Probst because he's never made any decisions.

8:24:27 - Ozzy talks for twenty-two minutes, describing each of his immunity wins in detail and discussing his decision to hold Aitu together after the mutiny twist.

8:27:09 - Yul talks about the mini idol, all the votes he's engineered, the way he got Jon to flip on the Raro people, and his delicately constructed final four plan, which has managed to keep everyone happy despite the fact that only half those people get to go to the final two and it can be assumed that he expects to be one of them. But he can only go on about himself for about sixteen minutes, so Ozzy wins.

8:28:57 - Back at camp, Adam approaches Ozzy about maybe flipping his vote. Ozzy is interested, but he kind of has a good thing going, and he likes Adam's strategy of winning a lot of immunity challenges, with the key difference that Ozzy actually can win them.

8:30:02 - After some leading questions from Probst and some annoying prevarication from Adam, Yul, and Becky, Adam is voted off. Candice can be seen wearing a huge grin in the jury – he's coming back to her!

8:31:35 - Probst snuffs Adam's torch and waxes poetic about the grandeur of competition, the spirit of trust, and the dignity of competing with honor. No one has the heart to remind him that, mere days ago, these people were rolling around in the mud for a chance to drink some champagne in a fluffy robe.

8:33:22 - Back at camp, Ozzy accidentally catches a few dozen fish.

8:34:34 - Separately, Becky, Sundra, and Ozzy each approach Yul with ideas on who should be voted out next. Surprisingly, just like Adam, none of them nominates him- or herself.

8:36:46 - In an interview, Yul stops mid-sentence to make out with the mini idol.

8:37:49 - Everyone beds down for the night, each casually trying to sleep closest to Yul without being obvious about it.

8:39:21 - Rise and shine! We've got minivans to give away! In the Remembrance of Challenges Past challenge, the remaining competitors must walk across a balance beam to a platform where they enter numerical answers to questions about the game so far. Solving this math problem will give them the number of a box with a key in it. The key will unlock a box with a hatchet in it. Then they'll swim out to a platform in the water, and walk across a balance beam to another platform. Then they'll climb a rope ladder to a higher platform and jump off, using the hatchet to smash open a plaster box, which drops a bundle of sticks into the water below. They'll bring these back to the mat on shore, and repeat three times. Then they'll untie all the bundles and fasten the sticks together to create yet another balance beam. They'll make their way across this, to a platform where they'll assemble a puzzle. They'll carry the completed puzzle across a final balance beam, which is balanced atop three other balance beams. The first three people to finish this will each dig up a box with a key in it. In an Escherian twist of logic, the key will unlock the box they've just dug up. They'll fill the box with mud from a nearby swamp by carrying it across an obstacle course on their eyelids. The two people with the heaviest boxes after nine hours will move on to the next level. In the final phase, the competitors must assemble a block-and-tackle system and use it to lift a minivan eight feet into the air. But rather than just have a line at eight feet, there's a little stick there, and when the minivan hits it, it will raise a flag, which will start a fire which burns through a rope and raises another flag. This flag counts as "raised" when its hinge rotates a full 90 degrees, so why they have a flag in the first place is beyond me – why not just put an intern on that hinge and let him signal us? The first person to rotate the hinge will win said minivan, plus a candy bar.

8:41:07 - Ozzy finishes his puzzle and carries it successfully across the balance beam balance beam on the first try.

8:42:30 - Becky and Yul straggle across the last balance beam. Sundra has been working on the first one, falling off, and going back to the start.

8:44:41 - Ozzy digs up his box with a single, massive grunt.

8:45:09 - Yul unearths his box.

8:46:22 - Ozzy fills his box to overflowing, then uses a toe to level across the top, making it nice and tidy. Becky digs up her box.

8:48:16 - Probst wakes Ozzy from his nap and weighs all three boxes. Ozzy, seven pounds; Yul, two pounds; Becky, 1.988 pounds.

8:50:05 - Ozzy and Yul start work on their pulley systems.

8:51:24 - Ozzy scrambles quickly and assembles a giant system, with many, many pulleys. He has used up all the materials provided. Yul must stop work where he is, in order to start lifting and not fall further behind.

8:53:09 - Yul's lesser pulley system means he has to work a lot harder, but he's stronger and heavier. Both get their vehicles into the air quickly, but the last few inches are a challenge.

8:55:34 - Probst stands under the minivans, just to be smug. The cameramen once again frame it with him in front of an "Outwit" banner and crop the picture so it's just him and the label "Twit."

8:56:50 - Yul's flag begins to raise, but only gets about halfway. Ozzy's flag begins to raise.

8:57:30 - Ozzy's flag tilts back down. Yul's flag tilts downward, then catches a breeze.

8:58:11 - Ozzy's flag tilts higher, but not quite enough. Yul's hinge rotates far enough to satisfy Coach Probst, and he wins the minivan.

8:58:51 - Uh... hopefully a different minivan of the same model. Once Probst declares him the winner, he drops it to the ground, shattering all the windows.

9:00:27 - They bring back that oh-so-awesome decision where Yul can keep the car himself or pass it up and give cars to the other four (including Probst). However, in keeping with this season's tradition of not leaving these stupid political decisions up to the reward winner, Probst produces a random number generator based on the radioactive decay rate of a hunk of Cesium. The Cesium says Yul keeps his car. Everyone holds this against Yul.

9:04:51 - Back at camp, Yul is being a total dick and driving his minivan all over the place. He double parks in front of the fire and really pisses Ozzy off.

9:05:31 - Ozzy states that he will not catch any more fish for anyone because he's convinced that feeding Yul a third of a pike helped him lift his minivan higher faster. Yul peels out and sprays sand in Ozzy's face.

9:07:04 - Becky finds a piece of Parvati's thumb in the sand and, starving, eats it.

9:08:57 - Commercials. CBS has a new show for January called "DoctorCops" about irascible, maverick surgeons who moonlight in espionage and counterterrorism. The 30-second preview already makes it obvious that one of them is a KGB mole. They're reusing the sets from Smith and 3 lbs. – it looks positively terrible, but they've got Thomas Haden Church, Kevin Spacey, and Michelle Trachtenberg in it, so I'll have to watch anyway.

9:11:38 - Immunity! Probst describes a Rube Goldberg-style challenge in which the competitors must simply knock an egg off a table, but must do so in a convoluted, bizarre series of events that includes a fire, a HAM radio, a half ton of coconuts, and a chess-playing bear. The person who can sit through the greatest part of the challenge description with a straight face wins immunity.

9:13:32 - Ozzy cracks a smile when Probst describes a certain rope maze as "Kafkaesque," and this makes Sundra laugh.

9:15:51 - When Probst gets to the part about pushing sand through the eye of a needle, Yul starts giggling and Becky wins.

9:16:31 - Eager to save as much airtime for the final three spirit quest as possible, the producers hustle everyone into Tribal Council right away. Everyone votes for Ozzy. Ozzy votes for Sundra. Yul whips out the mini idol and throws it in frustration. It bounces off a papier-mâché galleon mast and bonks Yul in the head. He starts cussing and kicking the dirt.

9:19:04 - Yul, Becky, and Sundra must row a boat all the way around the island, where they will pass seventeen buoys, each bearing the name of someone who left the game before them.

9:20:41 - Sundra explains to the others that there was a guy called Sekou.

9:21:43 - Nobody has any idea who Billy was.

9:27:29 - This continues until they get to Jonathan's buoy. Candice and Nate pop out of the water with snorkels and start high-fiving each other and making little happy celebration faces. Becky smacks them with an oar.

9:30:40 - They arrive at the beach after passing Ozzy's buoy, to find Probst waiting for them with three bags of sedated raccoons. Each of them must climb into a bag and whoever stays in the longest wins immunity.

9:32:03 - The raccoons wake up, and are none too happy with their new roommates. Everyone is instantly bitten and scratched.

9:33:06 - Sundra bails out, after sustaining lacerations all up and down her legs.

9:35:35 - Yul asks Becky to promise to take him to the final two and she does. Sundra acts a bit put out.

9:35:43 - Yul and Becky jump out of their bags, one after the other. Becky is declared the winner.

9:37:45 - Sundra tries to get Becky to take her to the final two instead, but Becky explains that she has had an alliance with Yul from the very start. (Hey, everybody who didn't vote for her when you could've – who's laughing now?) Also, Yul is seen as the puppetmaster by everyone on the jury, every home viewer, and some remote tribal bushmen. Even the O.J. jury wouldn't vote for this guy. So, thanks and all, Sundra, but no thanks.

9:40:51 - O.J.'s book "If Yul Had Won Survivor: Cook Islands, This Is How It Would've Gone Down" is quietly dropped from the publication schedule.

9:41:28 - TribCon III: Becky stays true to her word.

9:43:49 - Random airtime filler: Becky and Yul hang out around camp for the last time. They hide food from each other and then laugh about it and hug.

9:46:22 - The jury files in for the final Tribal Council.

9:47:32 - Opening arguments: Yul talks about what a life-affirming experience the game has been and thanks everyone on the jury for being part of the adventure. Becky mentions that she never, ever liked Jonathan.

9:49:08 - Brad asks Yul why he voted against him. Yul reminds him that they were on different teams when Brad was voted out of the game. Brad asks Probst why the fuck he's on the jury in that case. Probst reminds Brad that he's not the one on trial.

9:51:50 - Rebecca reminds Sundra of that one time when they were on the same team and voted for Sekou. Sundra reminds Rebecca that she should be addressing Becky or Yul. Rebecca has never heard of them.

9:53:21 - Jenny is still really pissed that she got voted off in a dual TribCon with no opportunity to tell people she'd prefer not to be voted off. But not as pissed as she is that the jury selection began before the merge, which leads to this entirely stupid situation.

9:55:19 - Nate appears in blackface. He adopts a few poses he's seen in Run DMC videos. He grins, rolls his eyes, and flashes some attempted gang signs. He points at Jonathan in the jury and starts cackling with laughter.

9:56:30 - Yul asks if Nate has a question. Nate does his best Randy Jackson impersonation, referring to Yul repeatedly as "dog." He refers to Becky as "dog." He refers to Probst as "dog." He orders a hot dog. Yul replies that it was an honor to share the experience with Nate. Becky seconds.

9:57:18 - Candice says she'll give her vote to whomever can get Adam to make out with her. Adam volunteers for the job. Candice pouts that now she won't know who to vote for, but then Adam touches her arm and she melts.

9:58:55 - Jon asks Yul if it's forgivable for someone to betray the trust of someone else in his alliance in the pursuit of the million dollar prize. Yul says absolutely. He has no hard feelings for Jon's acceptance of the mutiny twist and he doesn't blame Jon for betraying Raro and voting with him against Nate, either. He hopes that Jon will forgive him for doing the same at a completely random point in the game. Jon says he wouldn't have, but then again, Yul did return his hat.

9:59:25 - Jon asks Becky if she can think of any reason anyone would vote for Yul when Yul engineered most of their eliminations while she was just sitting around being cute. Becky draws a blank. Jon follows up: "So, would you agree that you're possibly the worst person for Yul to bring to the final two?" Becky nods yes. Jon: "Who can you think of that might have been a less desirable candidate for this jury than Yul?" Becky smiles and says Jonathan. Jonathan sits down, satisfied.

10:00:30 - Parvati asks Becky to do her a favor and promise not to create a Parvati clone using all the blood that is still on the front of Becky's shirt. Becky agrees. She's nothing if not accommodating.

10:02:12 - Parvati asks Yul whether she or Adam was more of a threat. Yul's internal diplomacy-o-meter melts down. He says different people are different kinds of threats in different ways.

10:03:18 - Adam takes a pass; he'd rather not come up for air from kissing Candice.

10:04:19 - Ozzy just seeks the assurance of both Yul and Becky that he was the awesomest challenge performer either have ever seen. Each agree generously. He sits down, satisfied.

10:07:52 - Sundra is surprised to learn that there has been a strategy game afoot with a million dollar prize. She asks if she'll be able to rejoin her family soon. Probst says yes. Becky says yes. Yul says he'll do whatever he can to make it happen for her.

10:10:55 - The voting.

10:12:52 - Probst hang-glides into CBS Television City in Hollywood. Hey, there's the Grove! Hey, there's my old apartment! Strapped to his chest are the TribCon votes. We're live!

10:14:47 - Probst reveals the votes. Everyone votes for Becky, except Candice and Nate who are still mad about getting hit with that oar.

10:16:24 - Becky squeals with delight and her family rushes the stage to hug her.

10:18:19 - The lights come up. All the contestants are there. Adam wears a tux and Candice a wedding gown, they've come straight from their wedding in Griffith Park and they're consummating their union in the official Survivor Reunion Bleachers as Probst starts the show.

10:18:37 - Billy taps Candice's shoulder to ask if she'd like to go out with him sometime.

10:20:16 - Probst reveals that they'll be keeping Exile Island and the mini idol around for the next season, and that the coup in Fiji is in response to this monumentally stupid decision, and has nothing to do with local politics.

10:20:36 - What's that you say? It's the longest possible time before more more Survivor? Oh, thank God!

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