Mon, November 20, 2006
Fierce Bottle
I know I give the Survivor editors a hard time, but only because they habitually fuck with my head like Tom Cruise's Scientology "auditors" when he let them loose on poor Katie. But obviously I don't mean all of them. It's like saying you hate the Philadelphia Eagles even though their punter once saved your dad's life; the forgotten guy in the corner who barely ever plays isn't part of the broad generalization. In this case, the punter is the intern from Full Sail who comes in on alternate weekends to edit the "Previously" footage for each episode.
I watch each episode of Survivor pretty carefully, pausing and rewinding frequently to take notes for this column. Where an episode of Criminal Minds takes about 45 minutes to watch, Survivor takes more like 70. So I normally don't pay close attention to the "Previously" footage because I'm already familiar with the other episodes – I just watch to see if I can hold my breath for the entire pause Probst puts between "Previously on..." and "... Survivor." But this week, the intern included a very telling quote from Jonathan which I had not recalled from last week's episode. "I am determined not to be the guy who made the move too late," he interviewed, after his discussion with Candice about the state of their alliance at Aitu. Thanks for calling this to my attention, Previously Guy! It helps explain his dumb mutiny decision (a little).
While I was there, I also got to hear Probst refer to Aitu as an "underdog" in the reward challenge, and describe their immunity victory as "an upset win." What? Both were still 4-on-4. The only (teensy) advantage Raro had was choosing who would compete in the reward challenge, and that advantage was erased in the immunity game. Also, Probst grinned smugly over this "big jury" twist – does anyone give a fuck about this? I can't find any reason it matters.
Anyway, once the intern turns in his time card, takes his juice box, and heads home, we're back in the present day. Jon is doing a performance in which he interviews repeatedly that he thinks he made a bad call accepting the mutiny offer. He's a bright guy, but he's also one of those people who think if they acknowledge their dumb mistakes, the universe will somehow protect them from the consequences. This is like committing to a very stupid voting decison, then saying, "I hope things still turn out okay." The way to make sure things turn out right is to turn them out right yourself! (And now I'm talking like the PimpBot.)
Candice and Adam hastily commence the giggling and smooching since her vacation from Exile Island is destined to be a short one. Fortunately, their utterly conspicuous canoodling is lost on no one. Even their BFF Parvati is joking about it, which gives me hope that someone will split them up. I'd prefer someone split Candice's skull, but I'll take what I can get.
Over at what remains of Aitu, Ozzy is interviewing how delighted he is to be "the underdog." (Yeah. So was Charla.) Ozzy's swaggering insufferableness just continues to mount. He's so full of himself that anything that happens, he rushes to say it's just what he wanted anyway. In Survivor history, I don't think there have been that many teams that failed to come back from the disadvantage Aitu is in right now, so he's kind of building them up to face a greater challenge than they actually are. Besides, you just know by the time the teams merge, the producers will have come up with some ingenious way to drastically reduce the numbers gap between them and Raro. (Mark my words! I'm totally typing this before having watched the end of the episode! If you could see me right now, you'd see that I'm holding up today's newspaper!)
It begins at the reward challenge (for a trip to participate in a local festival and – wait for it – humongous feast). The producers have clearly slipped something into the water supply at Raro, because all they have to do is use a compass to identify various points on a wooden compass rose and dig up treasure chests, and they fail more times than Jon Stewart trying to deliver a punch line on his show with a straight face. Each time they go out, they forget which direction is north, and squabble over where to dig. Two things I'd do differently: the first digging pair should use the compass to determine which point on the rose is north, then scratch all four corners in the sand for future reference. Secondly, don't be retarded.
Needless to say, Aitu wins and immediately exiles Candice. (This was something she predicted, and seemed more motivated by than the concept of winning the reward for her team. If I had any faith left in her, I'd believe that she dreads Exile Island because it's harsh and unforgiving – but instead I know this is all about maximizing cuddle time.) Surprisingly, they make a specific – seemingly rehearsed – effort to exile her in unison. I hate Candice more than Meredith Grey and Grace Adler put together, but I still say this is incredibly poor sportsmanship from Aitu. That's just terribly rude. And it's another reason for Raro to vote Candice off ASAP: to cut the legs out from under this bullshit vendetta. To steal a line from Political Asshole Blogger Guy: you can't have it both ways. Either Candice eviscerated your team's strength and morale with her cold-hearted betrayal, or she handed you a huge boost in team loyalty and put you on an unstoppable winning streak. (And Probst is like Hitler... in Vietnam!)
Through tears, Candice has a different bone to pick with this. She's upset that "people you like want to see you suffer." I like my complaint better because it isn't wildly hypocritical. Days ago, she was saying the "whole time" she was on Aitu, she couldn't wait to be back with her Raro friends. If she likes these people, she has struggled to portray it convincingly.
The local festival is unremarkable, save two developments: first, Aitu is startled to be welcomed by tribal chiefs shouting in a language they don't recognize. The translation reads, "Welcome to the village!" but the tone of voice and body language say, "You trespass on our ancestral grounds! Prepare for beheading!" Reminds me of the Russian guys playing chess in that Simpsons episode where Lisa gets lost on the city bus. ("My pleasure. It's six blocks that way." "Aiigh!") Then, there's a dance scene where a couple of highly flirtatious gigantic tribal women begin gleefully sandwiching Yul between them. Apparently they get DVDs of A Night at the Roxbury on this remote jungle island – so that's where Paramount has been dumping them!
Also, here's Ozzy, reacting to the experience: "They gave us a warrior's welcome. We were warriors that just came out of a fierce battle." Does this guy just continue to confirm everything you think about him, or what? "Warrior" implies "honor" – something distinctly absent from Aitu's post-challenge behavior. Also, you're a socially maladjusted waiter on a dumb reality show. Get over yourself a tad.
Jon is back at Raro, pondering their losing streak. He thinks it can all be attributed to a failure of team unity. They need to work together more. (He's been reading Coach Probst's blog!) He steps into Ozzy's role as a maniacal fisherman (proving my point: anyone can catch a lot of fish if he really wants to), and interviews that he'll be employing a subtle "show don't tell" approach to guiding his team toward a unified spirit. It's not at all his usual style; it will be interesting to see if it works.
The immunity challenge, like the reward challenge, comes with a study guide. (Challenge designers! Want to drive them really crazy? Just once, provide them with a big sheet of study material and then don't pay it off! Design a challenge about something else entirely! Please?) After swimming and diving for pieces, the teams must fill in a map to correctly identify nearby islands. Despite adopting Ozzy's patented "throw then swim" approach to bringing props back to the beach, Raro is no match for Aitu on this one. I always wonder why teams send out their weakest member last, the way Raro does in this case with Rebecca (who has demonstrated a weakness for swimming, and especially diving). Even if you send her to the nearest buoy, you should still send her first, so that the stronger swimmers can try to make up lost time. Maybe they're already swimming their absolute fastest – but just maybe, with a time deficit before them, they'd dig a little deeper and make up some time.
Here's where Aitu's advantage of eating a full meal every three days really makes itself apparent. Even with a fish or two in their tummies, Raro can't compete with all the nourishment Aitu is getting. Also, based on how much they hate each other, Raro is probably not as excited about avoiding Tribal Council. As the losers, they're headed there in a few hours, but they do get a sealed glass bottle with a note inside. I'm fascinated by this: they know they can't open it before TribCon, so why doesn't Probst just bring it and meet them there? They can wonder what's in it without looking at it, can't they?
In a surprise development, all these losses have motivated Raro to target Rebecca, the drag-ass, for elimination instead of Jon – who was absolutely certain to go next as recently as the last Tribal Council. Jenny voices this idea to the fused entity of Candam, who seem to be on board with it. At this point, their votes will be needed to eliminate anyone except one of them, so their endorsement implies this might actually happen. Adam anticipates Jenny's next move to be campaigning for Jon's or Candice's elimination, so he thinks they should target Jenny next. (I certainly prefer this to what seems like a more workable solution for Candam: convincing Jenny to target Jon next. Not sure why Adam likes it, but I'll take it.)
Nate tells Parvati he refuses to vote for anyone from the Raro team before Jon because Jon's "not family" and the Raro people have "been through too much together." (?) He evidently made an exception in Brad's case. (And, considering the unanimous vote against Rebecca, hers, too.)
After Rebecca leaves the Tribal Council area (immediately!), Parvati is allowed to open the secret bottle and read what it reveals: another TribCon vote, right away! Seriously, the most awesome twist in Survivor history. (This is a lot like saying "the best hair day Clint Howard ever had," but still.) It's every man for himself, like an actual election! And it's proof that, with all the furious squabbling about who they'll vote for next, these people almost never talk about who they'll target after that. Also, is there anything that specifically prohibits them from talking about it now? They sure seem to think so, but what do they know? That's part of what makes it so delicious! They're frozen to their TribCon stumps in sheer panic!
For some reason, Rebecca is not yet allowed to join that massive jury she's just been voted onto, and voting commences again. It's fantastic – possibly the first true vote in Survivor history (in the sense that everyone basically has to write down who they most want to leave, not who their friends have chosen), and it's terrifying!
It seems obvious to me that Jonathan would be next to go, in a heartbeat, but the editors have one last laugh up their sleeve. Jenny, 4-2! She votes for Jonathan and Nate votes with her, making an exception to his long-standing rule of making an exception to his policy of never voting against Raro people. All the white people vote for her, and she's out!
A minute ago, Probst was berating Raro for guessing that the secret bottle might contain some information about the merge (or a letter from Kevin Costner). Now, he's thinking only of them. He offers this chestnut, in his traditional condescending epilogue (it's like Jerry Springer's final words, but with cargo pants instead of the fistfights): "Maybe this is the wake up call [Raro] needs in order to get it together." And "Togetherness" is Coach Probst's favorite chapter in Uncle Jeff's Big Book of How to Be Amazing at Everything.
Next week: so much for the subtle approach – Jon is tired of the lollygagging; he'll turn this car around! Candam can't hear him over all the making out. (He's been brushing his teeth with a twig for a month! Ew.)
For her part, Jenny says that if she'd known they were headed into a double vote, she'd have done more to convince people not to vote for her. (Well, duh.) I guess the lesson is, you might as well give people reasons not to vote for you all the time. Then, you're covered either way. (Cf. Parvati – cute, friendly, and a kickass swimmer. Of course, when you're carrying the reason half the team will never vote for you in your bikini top, you can afford to do a lot less campaigning.)
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