Mon, October 16, 2006

Previously on... [I'll make you wait as long as I want; it's my show!] ... [seriously; I could pause for a whole hour, just to do it – then what would you have?] ... [but then you wouldn't see me jogging jauntily to and fro while shouting a stream-of-consciousness monologue about teamwork – gah! you've got me!] ...Survivor. Ozzy fishes his little heart out and smugly confides in the audience that he's happy for Aitu to see him as their sole provider. It's my opinion that in this situation, fishing fills a vacuum. Boot Ozzy, and someone else will do the fishing. Maybe they won't be as skillful or energetic, but someone will figure it out. In the meantime, if one guy wants to spend all his energy hauling an entire buffet out of the ocean every day or two, you kind of have to let him. Also in flashback: the gentlemen of Raro, lounging lazily while chuckling that they're just too damn strong for the female majority to vote one of them out. D'oh! Sorry, JP. I guess it turns out you guys were so strong that three of you still provide enough strength for the team.

Having this point elucidated for them in the TribCon vote, the remaining boys rise early and scramble to do a bunch of chores. Them: We'll show the ladies what will happen if they lose us! Ladies: Hey, free chores – sweet! With a wood pile that big, we can live for a week even after we eliminate these clowns. Me, again: This seems like silly reactionary thinking, because of course they won't pick you off one-by-one – there's no need to, and hopefully Raro will win a few immunities as well.

Of course, this gives Nate an opportunity to state – with absolutely no irony – that the women seem kind of lazy by contrast. It's an epidemic that Cao Boi also sees on Aitu. Sure enough, they're kind of lounging around, chatting. Although "armpit" is among my least favorite words – second only to "crampon" – I am glad the subject of its hygiene has at last been broached on Survivor. I'm convinced that for the first few seasons Lady Gillettes were distributed by the medical team along with sunscreen, to keep things looking nice for the cameras. Candice, Sundra, and Becky demonstrate that's no longer the case – which is a shame – but it's good to finally have the facts on this.

Suddenly, it's as though the challenge designers have been listening in on all this, because the reward challenge matches "prove how strong you really are" with "hold your arms over your head" – it's the one where you and a teammate stand on a platform and hold a rope while the opposing team adds weight to the other end of the rope. Despite plenty of trash talking, Jessica can't hold onto her weight, and Raro wins the fishing supplies, spices, and wine. They also get to exile one person from the other team. Seems like the perfect time for "revenge exile" – send Jess to the corner to think about what she did – but instead they send Jon, on the impressive theory that you may as well minimize the number of people on the other side who might have the mini idol. Well played.

Back at camp, Raro makes it clear that they just like to call people bossy, because as soon as Cristina says two things, everyone throws a fit over how bossy she is. Jenny, creator of the impromptu women's alliance that prevailed at the last Tribal Council and even recruited Adam and Brad, quickly decides Cristina must be the next to go. What an alliance! Then Cristina spills some sliced octopus into seawater so shallow that all of it is immediately recovered. Well, that seals it! Bitch!

Other than that same footage of the same whale frolicking massively in the deep ocean, we haven't really seen that many metaphorical animals so far this season. But suddenly, it's so much crab footage that crab's mom must have called in and lodged a complaint. And it's really slow-motion footage from a super low angle, like someone in the 1950s trying to make a movie about a crab that trips over some radiation and becomes 50 feet tall and walks around being a much bigger crab than anyone ever expected to see, and even though people are fleeing in fear they're also thinking about how the situation echoes the sexual politics of the day, or the cold war, or whatever. Here in 2006, it's harder to guess what this crab represents. Is it the Crab of Picking on Someone for Being Bossy, Then Unironically Telling Others Who to Vote For? Or is it the Crab of Rowing to a Nearby Island with Camera Crews and Foot Paths and Then Being Shocked to Find Other Survivor Contestants There?

Because that's what Ozzy, Cao Boi, and Jessica are up to. They go on a little excursion from their island, rowing over to Raro's island and crashing their camp. It seems unlikely they'd be unaware that it's Raro's place, since one of them used to live here, and there are all those obvious paths that the CRNICCFPTBSFOSCT was talking about. But it also seems unlikely that this visit is considered a breach of Survivor etiquette, since Aitu's cameraman-chaperones did nothing to prevent it. Adam freaks out, describing it in an interview as an "invasion." Everyone else is just bored to tears by Cao Boi's stories. It's kind of a good thing they brought a cameraman with them, because they need to take shifts and switch tapes and batteries during his extended lecture.

Meanwhile Jon is doing exactly what you're supposed to do on Exile Island: searching nonstop for the mini idol. (Shame he didn't do this on his first visit.) Any time spent on E.I. not searching is wasted time. And, as he points out, even if he doesn't find the mini idol, he can be sure that someone else has, which is valuable information. I imagine the set design department is still sulking from last time, when Yul sighed that "there's pretty much nothing here [on Exile Island]." So I guess that majestic half-buried galleon just designed itself, hm?! I suppose it just period-researched and antique-detailed itself right into existence?

For immunity, it's the best challenge since that bag dig/wrestling match/footrace from last season. Teams assemble three tall poles with tiny platforms on top, then use them to transport two teammates from one high platform in the water to another, stepping from one pole/platform to the next. Then everyone must swim over to a third, teeny tiny platform and squeeze onto it all at once. For one thing, this is inventive and interesting action. (It's just a shame we're not treated to at least one person falling off a pole.) Also, it's a great challenge because a lead can be gained or lost without either team having some major screwup. This kind is much more interesting to watch. Amidst such odd decisions as both teams tossing their third pole and focusing only on two, Raro builds a sizable lead. Then Aitu's Jessica performs a powerful yank to tug Becky off her pole and onto the platform in a hurry to catch up – an act which is not that substantial, but it conveys quick thinking and tenacious drive, everything a Survivor competitor should bring to the table. Things are going Raro's way, but stacking everyone on the teensy platform is a challenge of rhythm more than anything else – you've got to get everyone around the edge to hop up at the same time without toppling the pile. Raro's first attempt sends everyone sprawling into the water, giving Aitu time to try a few variations and ultimately hover above the platform just long enough for Coach Probst to nod his assent. Of course, there is also time for him to throw his hands toward the heavens and bellow that Aitu has won. Somebody please get him a whistle on a lanyard. Please?

Within seconds of returning to camp, Raro has affirmed its intention to eliminate Cristina. Ha ha, Survivor editors! You forget that – aside from preventing my friends from disowning me – there is something else that comes from all this Survivor viewing. I know your tricks now, you crafty bastards. Any TribCon vote that is decided with this much time to spare is subject to reversal. The earlier it's decided, the more ridiculous the reversal will be. Sure enough, even though Cristina is begging for it by leaning on the same log JP leaned on and barking the same orders, one random comment causes everyone to change course and take aim at Stephannie (who continues a long Survivor tradition of misspelling that name). There are many reasons why a unanimous vote against Cristina might have turned into a unanimous vote against Steph. However, I don't buy the one put forth by the show – that Steph seemed to want to go home, and therefore everyone thought she would be a weak link. That idea is easily extinguished by Parvati very early on.

Here's what I think happens: Adam and Nate realize that they need to vote with the others to avoid the appearance of alliances along gender lines, since that will just accelerate their own elimination. But they're Big Strong Men and they hate the idea of letting Jenny tell them how to vote. So, they invent some rationale for changing the vote – it doesn't matter what it is, as long as it makes just enough sense that they can say it with a straight face. Then, they go around talking about how strongly they feel about this new vote, and suddenly everyone's voting with them. It works, because nobody's significantly attached to Steph. (Which is her fault, just like Al Gore.) But they're not really controlling the vote. (They could never have aligned a vote against Jenny or Parvati, for example.) They're just sending the subtle message that they won't be told what to do.

Sorry, Steph!

It makes for a fun Tribal Council, though, because despite the vote they've decided on, they still take the chance to sandbag Cristina with this "bossy" label. It's hilarious how strongly these people believe that Coach Probst is also Hall Monitor Probst. Rather than bringing this up at any point over the previous two days, when they might've resolved the conflict peacefully, they just stew over it and talk about it behind Cristina's back, then bring it up to Probst as if he can tell her to stop. If they had talked to her, she might have adjusted her behavior and not annoyed them so much. Now, she's just going to feel embarrassed by the TribCon situation and thanks to the predictive powers of the "scenes from next week," we can even surmise that she may lash out at the rest of her team.

But I guess that works well for them – if they lose another immunity, it'll be easy to agree on next week's vote. How dare she disagree with our near-sighted personality profile for her?

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