Mon, September 18, 2006
Sex and the Permafrost
I don't think I can tell you anything about Men in Trees that you haven't already guessed for yourself. But it's my job to review the shows, not to like them. Fortunately, next week the actual TV season begins – where by "actual" I mean "shows with enough potential that networks aren't just dumping them early to get it overwith."
Men in Trees
(ABC, 9:00 Fridays)
Maybe it's me. I was not a big Sex and the City viewer. It's not that I can't appreciate what a meaningful show it was to people. I just couldn't find a way to care a whit about what was going on. The difference between that and Men in Trees was that at least one or two of the main characters were kind of interesting. Also, there was no anthropomorphized raccoon.
As best I can tell, Men in Trees attempts to mix the frank relationship talk of Sex and the City with the madcap "woman on the verge" quality of Ally McBeal with the quirky, small town tundra of Northern Exposure. For someone who watched Sex and the City for the nudity, Ally McBeal for Peter MacNicol, and avoided Northern Exposure like a Paris Hilton-M. Night Shyamalan-Tom Cruise joint venture, you can see why I'd have a hard time appreciating Men in Trees.
The basic premise is that Anne Heche – previously seen gnawing on Ellen's tit and talking to imaginary aliens – is a writer of those blame-women-first relationship book series, and she's living the life, having it all, and engaged to the perfect man. She goes to remote Elmo, Alaska (for no reason that's explained to us) as part of her series of self-help lectures to promote the paperback edition of her latest book. (It's not clear why the bookstores in Elmo only have the hardcover edition available. That Alaska – so quirky!)
On the plane flight there, she learns that her perfect fiance is cheating on her. She makes this discovery by – I shit you not – viewing a photographic slideshow on his laptop, which she accidentally brought on the trip instead of her own. The slideshow icon is the only thing on his entire desktop. Yeah. Kind of makes you feel silly for thinking the random speaking engagement in the tiny Alaskan village was far-fetched, now, doesn't it?
Now, the thing is, I would probably watch a movie with this as the pitch: successful yet blissfully ignorant relationship writer moves to a town where the man-to-woman ratio is 10-to-1, realizes all her pithy "insights" amount to nothing, gets a new perspective from a town filled with men who've gained a lot of actual relationship insight by competing over so few women. The problem is, in the two episodes I choked down before press time, this show has managed to marginalize or completely ignore everything that's interesting about that pitch.
Instead, it's artificially madcap adventures like losing the heel to her expensive shoes in the muck, fighting with a raccoon over her wedding dress, falling through the ice, having to hitchhike back to town in a towel after having her car towed while she was in a sweat lodge seeking a metaphysical solution to her fiance problems. With that goddamned raccoon showing up constantly, like the dancing "ooka-chucka" baby on Ally McBeal. It all doesn't amount to very much, and Heche – more likable than normal – isn't likable enough to pull it off.
The title Men in Trees comes from a roadside sign announcing that guys are overhead, trimming the trees. Herewith, a handful of better show ideas you could generate using the same method (with apologies to Dan & Jeremy, whose blog is responsible for more involuntary giggle-snorts that get me caught goofing off at the office than the whole rest of the Internet put together).
No Turn on Red
Jennifer "Red" McMillan has had one too many promising relationships take a bad turn. She's holding the contestants of a "Love Connection"-type show hostage until Mr. Right comes along... with hilarious consequences!
Trucks Entering and Leaving Highway
At the oldest truck stop on Route 66, lifelong Tulsa resident Annie McMaster slings hash while dishing on the issues of the day. But when a new health inspector comes to town, there's conflict – and romance – in the air.
Right Lane Must Turn Right
Multi-camera sitcom following the sassy Lacey McShea, special assistant to an ultra-conservative congressman, as she's stretched between special interest groups, lobbyists, and the religious right. Not to mention her mom has just moved in with her and won't stop meddling in her dating life!
Bike Lane
After 16 years in the Navy, Lane McMatthews is starting a charity transcontinental cycling challenge. Each week brings a new town, a new mystery... and a new love.
End Landscaping
In the dystopian not-too-distant future, the world is locked in a battle between industrial expansion and eco-terrorism. Special Agent Jack McBauer seeks out cells of the underground horticultural militia and eradicates them.
Bridge May Ice In Winter
When new resident Beth McWalters joins the Shady Acres Rest Home bridge club, it's catty "Desperate Housewives"-style infighting all the time. But when a pharmaceutical company chooses the home for a new drug trial, a hallucinated penguin teaches everyone how to love.
Savannah 15 mi.
Savannah McAdams just graduated from Sarah Lawrence and now she's headed home to the rural south to start a small business selling the handcrafted artwork, jewelry, and accessories she's been designing since she was young. But whomever said "You can never go home again" was right about Savannah: she returns to find her whole town has vanished.
Returning Shows
Survivor: Cook Islands – also known as "Race-Riot Survivor" – has begun amidst some silly controversy and considerable Burnett-style fanfare. My Survivor columns (seemingly adored by onebee's readers in direct proportion to how painful they are to write) will begin in early October, after the Annual TiVo Gauntlet of New Fall Programming has slowed down a bit. Perennial Emmy favorite The Amazing Race continues to be the only reality-competition show I both enjoy and respect, but last season proved that the enjoyment plummets without my McRace Peeps, so it's hard to look forward to this season with as much enthusiasm as I have in the past. Fortunately, the show has exceeded its own astonishing record of casting the perfect teams, so it will be very difficult to tear myself away.
Survivor
The Amazing Race
Premiering This Week
The Class: CBS, Monday at 8:00
Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip: NBC, Monday at 10:00 
Smith: CBS, Tuesday at 10:00
Jericho: CBS, Wednesday at 8:00
Kidnapped: NBC, Wednesday at 10:00 
Shark: CBS, Thursday at 10:00
Six Degrees: ABC, Thursday at 10:00
Brothers & Sisters: ABC, Sunday at 10:00
Returning This Week
How I Met Your Mother: CBS, Monday at 8:30
Boston Legal: ABC, Tuesday at 10:00
Criminal Minds: CBS, Wednesday at 9:00
My Name Is Earl: NBC, Thursday at 8:00
The Office: NBC, Thursday at 8:30
CSI: CBS, Thursday at 9:00
Grey's Anatomy: ABC, Thursday at 9:00
NUMB3RS: CBS, Friday at 10:00
Without a Trace: CBS, Sunday at 10:00
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Joe Mulder — Mon, 9/18/06 1:34pm
I saw "Shark" got only two stars; I like James Woods, but, I was hoping the show would be bad, just so we could see who would be the first to run a negative review with the headline "Shark Weak."
We should start a pool! I'll take the Newark Star-Ledger!
Brandon — Mon, 9/18/06 1:42pm
Put me down for the New Orleans Times-Picayune (mostly because Picayune is just too much damn fun to say/type).
Is the Jericho one-star review based upon watching the pilot, or just a forecast? I was going to check it out, but I'll probably just pass if you truly hated it.
Bee Boy — Mon, 9/18/06 2:26pm
I haven't watched the pilot yet (not that I'd tell you if I had – it ruins the mystery). It boggles my mind that ABC.com and NBC.com have beautiful, spanking-new video sites with handfuls of skip-free clips running, but every time I've used Yahoo! TV so far, it's been glitchy and terrible. And there's no way to drag the progress bar – if the player gives out halfway through the show, you've got to watch the whole first half again. If YouTube, Google, and the networks can get this right, surely one of the Internet's oldest and largest players can handle it, right? Guess again.
The single star is based on my general sense of the show from clips and writeups, like all the other new series. This being the 21st century, feel free to record the show Wednesday night, then wait to watch it until the following Monday when the actual review is posted. (Don't forget, it's an "EW Pick.")
Regarding Shark (which I'm hoping is good): can we set the over-under on how many blogs will employ the phrase "Shark Jumps the Shark"? I'm pretty much betting the "over" no matter what.
Joe Mulder — Mon, 9/18/06 2:55pm
Yeah; the "jump the shark" thing is the obvious way to go, but how, if you're a newspaper of magazine TV critic or blogger of some sort, do you write something like that and then go home and look yourself in the mirror?
We'll see if anyone (else) is awesome enough and has a big enough wang to come up with "Shark Weak."