Thu, August 10, 2006

I think it would be pretty difficult to deny that television is a popular form of entertainment. Billions of dollars change hands creating, marketing, and broadcasting television, then change hands again selling ads, selling iTunes downloads, and selling DVDs. People love TV. Everyone has one. You can get a TV in your car; you can watch TV on a plane. There's even TV in prison. Would you rather cast your vote for a presidential candidate or an American Idol performer? If you answered A, you're in the minority in America.

So, when someone comes along extolling the virtues of giving up TV, we as a society should rise up and cut that bastard to shreds. Literally, shred him into little pieces, stomp those pieces into a pulp, and then set the pulp on fire.

I like TV. I wouldn't consider myself a TV addict, although my TV viewing is probably above the national average. (Keep in mind, the national average is a lot of people.) Along with air conditioning, TV is probably in the top five things that I would never give up. (There are things above TV on the list... but my mom reads this site.) Not only do I like TV, I like liking TV. Sometimes, I'm even inspired by TV. I think that creative, intelligent, well rounded people can enjoy television (and I think I'm among them) – people who have healthy social lives and a normal outlook on the world. In fact, TV is good for you – there's even a book that says so. (And, unlike TV, books are adored by smug snobs everywhere – so you know it must be true.) So it drives me crazy to hear anyone bashing TV, scapegoating TV for society's shortcomings, and acting all high and mighty just because they don't watch TV. Especially on the eve of the new fall season, and this site's Annual TiVo Gauntlet of New Fall Programming, when TV is showing potential to become even more exciting.

Not all TV is perfect – most of it is terrible – but watching TV isn't an all-or-none proposition. You wouldn't ban books just because of one stupid novel, or shut down the Internet based on one hateful screed. If I could burn down Howie Mandel's house once for each airing of Deal or No Deal, I'd be delighted to. But just because According to Jim is stupid or Dateline is insulting or Dancing with the Stars is a very, very bad idea – that doesn't mean there aren't great shows out there. Shows like The Office, which is hilarious and heartwarming. Or Veronica Mars, which weaves characters and story lines through a season-long plot which is illuminating, captivating, and very fun to watch. People are doing fascinating things with TV these days, bringing the medium out of the shadows of cinema, and reviving it as a separate and thriving art form. You don't throw all that away just because you don't like The View, or you feel like you could read more books.

So, why did this one snotty douche bag decide to call it quits? And what kind of enlightened utopia is he living in now? Let's take a look:

In June I decided to do a 30-day trial of no TV watching. DVDs were OK, but I wasn’t going to watch any regular programming or cable shows or tape anything with my DVR.

Okay, so right off the bat, this guy is a stupid asshole. He's wasting his DVR service for a month, just to do it? He should record his shows and save them for the end of the trial, or maybe he's completely incapable of self-discipline? Besides, almost every show currently airing is available on DVD. So if DVD is okay and not TV, what's the difference? Is he giving up commercials? I think a distinction needs to be made between giving up TV and giving up TV shows. I gave up HBO, because I could save money watching Entourage at Mom's house and Deadwood on DVD, but that's not the same as "giving up TV." That's just changing the schedule of when I watch it. Which is what a DVR does anyway. (What it doesn't do is "tape" things. Asshole.)

Also, anyone could skip two months of TV in the summer. Talk to me in October. If the dazzling splendor of Studio 60 hasn't got you watching TV again, NBC's marketing team will come out and give you an injection.

When I stopped watching TV, I became much more aware of the TV’s presence when others were watching it. I began finding the TV a noisy nuisance, and I starting encouraging the rest of the family to keep the TV turned off during mealtimes.

Well, this makes sense even if you're not in the middle of a boycott. If someone's watching a show you're not watching while you're trying to read a book or solder a HAM radio or whatever, it can be distracting. That's why they invented other rooms. And, yeah, TV off during mealtimes sounds great for families. I wholeheartedly encourage that. (But watching TV together as a family is great, too, once supper's through.) And, in the case of single, lonely schlubs like me, watching Whose Line Is It, Anyway? while I polish off some Skittles and McNuggets shouldn't be held against me. I'm not going to stare silently at the wall, and the results were far from encouraging when I tried to have a dinner conversation with that surrogate family I made out of construction paper and macaroni.

I began noticing how many other people in the gym would watch TV. Many of those people literally looked hypnotized. The whole thing started creeping me out, like I was exercising with a bunch of mass-hypnotized zombies who came to ingest their social conditioning for the day.

There it is. We knew the "TV rots your brain" argument would pop up sooner or later. Firstly, while his fellow gym members are watching TV, he turns his off – "I listen to audio programs on my iPod instead." So, Terry Gross is fine, but Chris Matthews is zombie food? He's just being a snob. Besides, of course people look hypnotized: they're staring at screens ten inches in front of their faces, while bouncing up and down. You don't usually see people do that; it's odd. So they should all buy iPods, just so they don't look strange on the Stairmaster? Ogling the other gym patrons isn't that fun – and reading on the treadmill will send your dramamine budget soaring. Watching TV is a great way to pass an hour on the elliptical machine without realizing it's been an hour – which is pretty much the key to spending an hour on the goddamned elliptical machine. I do it, even with the iPod.

And, "social conditioning for the day"? You're just being a dick.

I used to watch recorded shows during lunch, so without the TV, I would eat lunch faster, often finishing in 10-20 minutes instead of 30-60.

Anyone who can't finish lunch in 20 minutes while watching an episode of The Simpsons or The Daily Show just isn't using the TiVo remote properly.

I’m not exactly sure why, but I felt a compulsion to expand socially, which seemed to grow stronger the longer I went without TV.

I'm exactly sure why: bad experimental design. The hypothesis was that if he quit watching TV, he'd get a life. He stopped watching TV, so he figured he'd use that spare time to go out with friends. (Good idea.) He could also have spent it sniffing glue and burning "Peanuts" characters into his flesh. But he naturally picked up the activities that he assumed he'd pick up when he set out to quit TV in the first place. You can't blame TV for that.

Besides, about half the social activities he lists are "weekly" events or meetings. So they were on the schedule anyway, even back when Desperate Housewives was still sucking his soul out from his eyeballs.

You can't really blame him: it's impossible to design a blind experiment in which you yourself are a subject. But, with full knowledge of this methodological flaw, he could be less of a douche about presenting his findings.

See, I believe in everything in moderation. (Except crack. No crack at all.) I like to spend some time with friends, reading books, or – if circumstances demand it – outside. But you can have all those things and have time for TV, too. If you actually believe that TV and talking to friends are mutually exclusive, the TV is not your problem.

With the TV turned off, I finally woke up to the thought, ”Wait a minute here — I’m living in Las Vegas, and I’ve only seen a fraction of the shows here.” I’m especially looking forward to seeing Cirque du Soleil’s O. When I compare a live Vegas show to watching TV, TV just can’t compete.

Really? Sure, Cirque is amazing, but would you honestly prefer to shell out $60-100 at a time to watch the same handful of Vegas shows each week, rather than enjoy new episodes of continually developing stories with characters who speak the same language as you?

Watching TV means sacrificing social outings, better forms of entertainment, and of course time.

Again, it's not an all-or-nothing pursuit. Of course, every hour you spend watching TV is an hour you're not out with friends or reading a book. But every hour you're reading or socializing is also an hour of TV you're missing. In my life, I like a balance. Some time with friends, books, movies of course – even Cirque du Soleil now and then. But some time also with TV. Maybe this either/or split just drives me up the wall because TV is at the center of some of my favorite social outings, like McRace. I don't like it when some crusty know-it-all acts like we're all uncultured boobs because we permit television to enter our lives.

You can change your life without walling off a whole section of it. Want to spend more time outside? Go. Outside. Feel like your TV shows aren't entertaining you? Watch better TV. TiVo can help. (Hell, so can I. Tune in for the Annual TiVo Gauntlet of New Fall Programming, and pick up some recommendations.) It's foolish to think that all the answers to self-actualization are in self-denial. Frustrated with your routines? Buy a day planner, not a cilice.

Besides, it's just ridiculous snobbery to hold an entire broadcast medium responsible for the effects of one tiny segment of its programming. If you kill your television because Daddio made you puke in your own mouth, you're cutting yourself off from the incisive social commentary of The Colbert Report, the avuncular wisdom of Fred Rogers, and the insights and observations of Charlie Rose or James Burke. (Not to mention, when things in New York blow up, you'll be the last to know.) To assert that the worst book is better than the best TV show is to be an ignorant, self righteous asshole. But then again, it takes one to "give up TV," doesn't it?

© onebee · all rights reserved