Thu, June 22, 2006
Slow News Equinox—5:37 PM
The local paper seems to publish pictures of girls at the beach on its front page at least three times a week. (Not that I am complaining.) Today it was in recognition of the first official day of summer, but usually the premise is far more flimsy. The great thing is, on days when it's too hot to go to the beach, this is a real time-saver – they bring the only benefit right to me!
Friends Channing Matthews, 13, (second from right), and Fallon Hunter, 13, (far right) jump in the air as Connor Lawrence, 12, (left), takes a photograph in the water at Jacksonville Beach on the first official day of Summer, Wednesday, June 21, 2006. All three girls are friends and are dance students at the LaVilla School of the Arts in Jacksonville, Florida. (Photo by Nicole L. Cvetnic)
That's the actual caption of the photo. I just changed the last names because I don't need their moms (or Ted Sundquist) Googling them and sending me angry letters. I get enough angry mail from my own mom about stuff like this.
A number of thoughts occur to me when looking at this photo:
At first glance, it seems a shame that Connor's photograph would be the more fun one to look at, but then you realize that this one is at least 50% better. Well played, Florida Times-Union.
12-year-old girls did not look like this when I was 12. There's seriously something to this theory about all the rBGH in our dairy products. (Not that I am complaining.) I no longer feel guilty for having a crush on Michelle Trachtenberg when she was 16 – this is entrapment! Another year or two and I'm just going to have to chain myself to a radiator.
How cushy is that photo assignment, by the way? "Hang out at the beach all day and take pictures of hot chicks. Oh, and here's a paycheck."
What in the fire-spewing fuck was going on with kids' names in the '90s? I mean, it's universally accepted that the whole kid-naming thing has gone right off the deep end, but seriously – how often do you have a group of three kids and Connor is the most normal one? (Which I honestly thought was a boy's name, too...)
Joe Mulder — Thu, 6/22/06 6:40pm
This had been a "When Will a Gay Male Ballplayer Finally Have the Courage to Come Out During His Career"-level obsession of mine for years now. Since I can't blame Clinton (this has been going on since before he came into office), I'll blame who I always blame when I can't blame Clinton: hippies.
The "self-esteem" and feminism movements propagated by the self-obsessed baby boomer generation led early Gen-Xers and their offspring (some of whom are now having kids) to believe that they would grow up to be special. They're not. They're just regular lame people, same as regular lame people have always been since time immemorial. The women in particular were promised a rose garden of work, home and family, all perfectly balanced with plenty of time to attend adequately to each.
So, when you grow up to be a regular lame person and not special, you're really disappointed. But by God, your kids are going to be special. So special, in fact, that everybody is going to be able to tell how special they are by the awesomely special name you give them.
And that's why almost all girls named between 1990 and 2006 have names that either a) sound like stripper/porn star stage names, or b) are actually surnames (and, out of every ten exceptions to these rules, nine are named "Emma"). In the photo Jameson so generously alerted us to, we're 3-for-3 ("Channing," "Fallon," and "Connor").
I'm sure Wagner will discount this idea out of hand because I haven't linked to any academic journals, but, a) where's his theory about ridiculous baby names?, and b) I'm right.
Anyway, if Connor, Fallon or Channing's mom is reading this: sorry you never got that promotion/finished writing that novel/saw Paris. Enjoy your daughter's eating disorder.
Gosh, I sound angry. I'm really not that angry. The names people give their babies are just that stupid.
Joe Mulder — Thu, 6/22/06 6:43pm
And, maybe I've just seen too much "Dateline" lately and am paranoid, but: "Hey, here are three 13-year-old girls in bikinis, their full names, and where they go to school!"
Really, Florida Times-Union? Really?
Brandon — Thu, 6/22/06 7:55pm
It's definitely unnecessary information being doled out carelessly. Why not just say they're friends and classmates in Jacksonville?
Bee Boy — Thu, 6/22/06 11:04pm
The only thing that shocks me about that is that Joe had to point it out for me to realize the potential of it. I guess it shows how much my mind is slipping.
Or I should be watching more "Dateline." (Shudder.)
At least I required about 20 minutes to talk myself out of buying the 11x14 version off the T-U website. I've still got it!
Brandon — Fri, 6/23/06 12:58am
Here's a Washington Post article from 2003 that shoots down the rBGH theory - but does not dispute that there's reason for theorizing.
"Holly" — Wed, 6/28/06 11:18pm
While I think there are a lot of weirdo girls' names out there right now ("Nevaeh" – backwards "heaven" – is apparently super popular) (?), it's not like EVERY generation doesn't have its weirdo names that we all find hilarious. I'm not sure how weirdo names (for boys or girls) are a new trend. And giving people surnames for first names isn't new, either – at least, guys have been being named with surnames for a long time. Stewart, Lee, Kyle, Keith, Calvin, Nelson, and pretty much anything else ending in "son," including presumably the first name of our esteemed host here at onebee, were all originally surnames according to a quick flip through my name book. Probably any name deriving from a profession ("Cooper") or a place name ("Kent") were originally surnames as well ("John [the] Cooper" or "John [of] Kent"). "Stanley" was originally a place name, then a surname, then a first name, for example.
And I don't see how parents through the centuries naming their boys after kings (Julius, Charles, Henry) or religious heroes (Aaron, Jacob, Jesus, Mohammed) are exactly expressing modest aspirations for their sons' future lives. So how, exactly, are weird names a new or gender-specific phenomenon, again? Although, again, I fully grant you the hilarious part.