Wed, March 1, 2006
Lost in La Mina
This week we'll be examining the evidence that points to Terry winning Survivor: Exile Island. Now is a good time to examine this evidence because a) it's all around us for frick's sake; and b) if we don't do it now, we may run out of time – so assured has Terry's victory become, Burnett may pull the plug early and just hand him the million and the car.
A lingering shot on the Scorpion of Abruptly Upended Nascent Alliances, followed by a quick shot of the Tree Frog of Hanging Around In Case Said Scorpion Is Having an Off Day. Then we find ourselves at La Mina's camp, where no one can even bring themselves to look at Sally. Austin and Nick broke her heart when they went with Terry and Dan's fledgling alliance instead of hers, and they also told her "You're next" in terms almost as crystal clear as Aras's when he told Cirie and Melinda to get fucked. She interviews that she'll try to remain upbeat and be as helpful as possible in order to convince the others that she's worth keeping around. I roll my eyes the way I always do when some obviously doomed target attempts this futile maneuver, which is usually about 55 minutes before it totally works. (Stay tuned.)
The Hermit Crabs of Alliance-Shoring-Up scuttle frenetically, and then we see Dan and Ruth-Marie walking along the beach. Actually, Dan seems to be blinking in and out, but I'm sure it's just a matter of his spindly frame occasionally twisting end-on into the camera and becoming momentarily invisible. He's there to offer her a spot in his alliance with Terry, Nick, and Aras because he believes she'll be so grateful that she'll pledge her undying loyalty and then be an easy "dead weight" vote in pesky numbers situations, and otherwise entirely expendable. (Hereinafter, a "Lydia.") Before he can even finish asking her, she stage-whispers, "Thank you!" with the beaming face and wide eyes of a starving puppy. Way to play it cool, Ruth-Marie. (I can just imagine her taking her clients into an open house for the first time: "Oh my God we love it! Is four million too much?! Whoa – you mean there's a second bedroom?!?!") She adds, "I'm totally appreciative. And I'm loyal." There's no shot of Dan tenting his fingers Monty Burns-style and murmuring, "Excellent," but I'm certain this is only because he was facing end-on into the camera at the time. The irony is rich, because he wants to eliminate Sally and incorporate Ruth-Marie over concerns of loyalty, but he still intends to cut Ruth-Marie loose as soon as possible.
Dan takes this to Terry, Austin, and Nick. Terry gives his okay. (No specific mention of Austin and Nick's okay.) Does this guy seem like a don to anyone else? Everything must be run by him. How did Dan get into orbit all those times without Terry there to approve it?
Over at Casaya, ripply water partially obscures our view of the Nurse Shark of Work Avoidance. Bruce, Aras, and Shane are walking around gathering snails for lunch, and when they return to camp they're frustrated to find that Courtney isn't tending the fire and Danielle isn't... well, conscious. I've said this before, but the only person I actually respect less than the Survivor Lazy Layabout is the Survivor Workhorse Martyr. What people need to realize about this show is that for every three days on the island, we see 44 minutes. There is a lot of down time. People can afford to lay about a little. And hey, if you feel like you're pulling too much weight, follow Dr. Phil's advice: leave some work undone. Don't anybody tend the fire, and see if Courtney finally steps up. If your need for it to be done is stronger than her ability to avoid it, shut up and do it yourself. Otherwise, back off and let her assume some responsibility on her own time. Just because you were the first one to strap a satchel over your arm and wander off to pick up snails (possibly the easiest thing ever classified as "work" on this show), that doesn't qualify you to divvy up the other tasks for everyone else.
Cirie watches smugly as this unfolds, then interviews: "I love it I love it I loveitIloveitIloveit!" Yeah, that's a way to get back on my good side: start reminding me of Molly Shannon characters from SNL.
At the reward challenge, Coach Probst wastes no time ripping back the curtain and exposing the fraud of Misty's little Mini Idol skit. She's gone! Ha! Guess she didn't find it. (Or she's really slow rolling La Mina.) He sets the remaining competitors loose to unclip a half dozen floating puzzle pieces from their respective anchors, then haul them into a floating ring before assembling the puzzle. It's similar to previous puzzle challenges, but it lacks the "magic number puzzle" element – there's no space to move the puzzle pieces around once they're in the ring. So it's even more of a crazed frenzy than usual, with the pulling pieces out, shoving them around, and muscling them back into place. You wannnnnaknow what they're playing for? Toiletries, like shampoo, a sink basin, a camp shower, and a Charmin-branded outhouse.
Which is won by Casaya without much else to report, except that Sally takes a deep breath and puffs out her cheeks when she prepares to dive for the unclipping of her first puzzle piece. Just like a little kid who's holding his breath as part of a tantrum. I can't imagine she thinks this will actually improve her dive duration, but maybe she thinks it gives La Mina the impression that she's working really hard. Either way, it's futile but undeniably adorable.
Casaya chooses Terry to send to Exile Island until the immunity challenge. For all La Mina's gloating over Bruce's easily evident importance to Casaya, they've made it pretty obvious that they depend on Terry. And off he goes.
In a promo, CBS specifically mentions "teams of two" in this week's new season of The Amazing Race. You're goddamn right, teams of two! Let us never speak of the misbegotten "Family Edition" again. (Except for Carissa. You'll all meet her at the wedding.)
The buzzing Flies of Absolute Feckless Dependence return us to La Mina beach, where the team is returning from the reward challenge, demoralized. Dan immediately proposes that they spend their time setting up a sort of surprise party for the return of his man friend Terry. Fix up the camp nice, polish the silver – all that stuff Angela Lansbury sang about in "Be Our Guest." Up to now, I thought Dan's obsession with Terry was kind of cute: something to joke about. Now I'm astonished that the rest of La Mina hasn't become suspicious. It's becoming Fatal Attraction creepy. Dan thinks firewood would be a good way to start the preparation, but Ruth-Marie kind of wants to eat first, and Austin is interested in a nap. Who are these people, kindergarteners? How can it be this difficult for six adults to reach a consensus?
Casaya returns to find their reward awaiting them at camp, and misses no opportunity to bicker needlessly. Aras wants to use the bathroom as a wood shed, to keep firewood dry from the inevitable downpours. Bobby would rather shit in it, and makes his point by doing just that. In his interview, he sarcastically refers to the others as a "rocket scientist brain trust" because they can't put the clues together as neatly as he has: toilets are for crapping, people! Next question! Shane opines that Casaya has La Mina "right where we want 'em" because Terry will be weak and hungry upon his return from E.I., and his team will be unable to function without him. Well, maybe. But as long as it isn't pouring rain, the chief penalty of Exile Island is that you're removed from the strategy back at camp. All of La Mina's strategy flows through Terry, so he's got nothing to worry about. Shane says, "Terry is in hell."
Terry is on an oceanfront cliff at warm, breezy Exile Island. He summits the giant prop skull hut and retrieves his clue, which adds quite a bit of information to the last clue Bruce got. There are new "no find" zones on the map, and it also says the mini idol will be found buried under a rock.
The Carpenter Ants of Increasingly Obvious Mini Idol Clues intercede, and then Terry strolls through one of the few remaining zones in which the mini idol may be found, and locates a tree in the shape of a Y, which he believes might match the "WHY" that is indicated – in a less than subtle fashion – by the first clue. The Owl of Unshakeable Survivor Dominance looks on as Terry quickly unearths the mini idol from under one of several rocks placed around the Y tree. Terry definitely landed on E.I. at the right time: nobody else was going to think to look underground for the mini idol before reading that clue – or if they did, it would take forever to dig up the whole island. Getting there when he did, the only thing that would have prevented him from finding the mini idol is if he were physically incapable of walking short distances or digging shallow holes. At this point, he can basically take the million dollar check to the bank. He's got four people who depend on his say-so to breathe, eat, or blink. He's got a fairly strong alliance of people who believe they're better off with him than they would be if they took him out early. And now he can survive any Tribal Council vote up to and including the final four. It's unlikely he'll be the target for more than two or three TribCon votes between the merge and the final three, and he's likely to win plenty of immunity challenges over that period. Yep. Casaya has him right where they want him.
A glance askance from the Boa of Unadvisedly "Wanting" Someone in the Fabled Catbird Seat. Man, this is a big show for the metaphorical jungle creatures, isn't it?
Casaya's fire goes out, and they decide to move the new fire closer to the shelter. Aras is really impressed by Cirie's work ethic (she gathers a lot of firewood, but you'll notice it's always barren twigs with no leaves). Almost as impressed as he is with his and Shane's decision-making prowess. I didn't really have a problem with Aras earlier when he announced the Tribal Council vulnerability of Melinda and Cirie to everyone, because it seemed like he was struggling unsuccessfully to be forthright. (Miss Alli says he also tried to convince Melinda and Cirie to decide which of them he should vote for, which, if true, is something I missed and something that probably would have affected my estimation of that whole scenario.) However, at this point, it's becoming clear that he's an ass. Maybe he hid it for so long just by proximity to Shane, who exudes enough assiness to drown out anyone in the immediate area.
Getting worked up, Shane asks Danielle about her "aversion to working" and the most cogent defense she can offer is: "Whatever." Gosh, she's attractive. It's a real shame she's not smarter or better at any of the things that are important on Survivor. We haven't had a Survivor hottie you could really get behind as far as gameplay since Colleen. (Not counting Elisabeth, because as soon as you join the cast of The View, all prior accomplishments are washed away.) Pressed further, Dani provides a list of some chores she's done and questions why Shane is the arbiter of whose contributions count as valuable – since he's just "finding food" and never bringing back much. Cornered, Shane declares: "Danielle, we're not going to have this discussion." What? You mean, the discussion you just started? Ass.
He manages to get Cirie to agree publicly. Cirie can hardly be helping her case by getting involved, and admits as much in an interview. She adds that the Casaya alliance is "unraveling, little by little." Why is it they always go to her for the plainly obvious updates on this clearly doomed foursome? Yes, it's unraveling. But as long as it unravels slowly enough, Cirie is still a goner. And that's all I care about. Shane brandishes the machete, glaring menacingly Danielleward.
Back at La Mina, Sally whimpers: "When in your life do you not eat something all day long?" I'd say, whenever you're on Survivor and you haven't just won one of the many feast rewards. Nick fishes unsuccessfully amidst many skittering minnows, while everyone else sits around – exactly like Casaya but without all the bitching. Casaya has one thing right: removing Terry has taken La Mina from first to worst in only a day. Apparently he's the only one who can get the fire going or decide to do anything. Austin interviews that La Mina "cannot get [a fire] going without a dogfight." Is that a gross misuse of the word "dogfight"? (That's two in two weeks from this "writer" – did he lose the entire D section of the dictionary in his childhood?) Or was that a veiled reference to Terry's not-so-secret fighter pilot past?
It's time for another ultra-complex immunity challenge, sponsored as usual by the International Balance Beam Federation. (Maybe I'm jumping to conclusions: perhaps there's no one pressuring Burnett to keep featuring balance beams in every challenge. Maybe they're just supremely cheap and easy to install. Why build an entire zombie doll when you can just throw out a single board?) This time, Coach Probst announces he will be testing the teams on: balance, teamwork, and patience. Throw on your teamwork hat, teams! Don't forget your patience pants and your balance sash! The goal is to get a person on a swing to the height where she can pull a pin and release a flag. The way to lift her up is with a counterweight: an empty drum that can be filled with water. The way to fill it with water is to get water into a pail that a person atop the entire structure (referred to alternately as a "crow's nest" and a "catbird" by Probst) will haul up and dump into the drum. The way to transport water from the ocean to the pail is by crossing a balance beam with a tiny bucket in each hand, tied to another team member, two-by-two. See? Simple! Terry arrives from Exile Island – the satchel over his shoulder conspicuously fuller than it was when he left – and he's quickly tied to Dan. After that's done, someone tells him that competitors will be tied together in pairs for this challenge. (Ha!) Austin is tied to Sally, and at Casaya the pairs are Shane/Courtney (Can you hear Cirie giggling?) and Bruce/Aras. "Bob Dog" sits this one out (presumably to work on his "Bob Dog Law Blog") and so Cirie will occupy the crow's nest for Casaya, and Nick for La Mina. Danielle and Ruth-Marie take the swing.
Right away, we find out that there's such a thing as "right of way" on the criss-crossing balance beams, which is lame. This is the first time two teams have had to share the same airspace (balance beam-wise) and haven't had the opportunity to try to intimidate or shove each other off. Absurd. Dan and Terry are shaky on the balance beam, due in large part to Dan. He must be acting as a sail and just lifting off the beam, because Kate Capshaw taught us in Space Camp that balance is something astronauts have to learn early. When they eventually fall, Coach Probst gets in their face about wasting La Mina's valuable time, while he showers approbation on Sally and Austin. ("Working well together, no trouble!") By the end, Sally and Austin are running on the beams, which makes good sense to me. If you're reasonably proficient at balancing, you'll make up more time running and occasionally having to go back than you will by walking slowly and never falling off. Rain begins to fall on the challenge course, and Coach Probst hollers at both teams to keep moving. Seems like a good time for the catbirds to start funneling as much rainwater into the drums, wringing out their buffs, etc. In a fight to the finish, Shane and Courtney slosh water into Cirie's pail, while Austin and Sally carefully empty their buckets into Nick's. It's a matter of how confident you are that less than one full catbird pail will be enough to lift your swing person. (Always vote for the swing person! No– wait. Ignore me.) Shane is betting that Casaya just needs a little, while Austin is making sure La Mina has every drop, in case it's close. It turns out not to be close, and Danielle takes off earlier than Ruth-Marie because of Shane's quick pouring, so Casaya wins by a nose. Bruce and Aras playfully slosh water at each other. Courtney jumps into Shane's arms. (Cirie's eyes fall out of her head.) Dan wails mournfully. Seriously, someone get that guy on some Combivir.
The Storks of Defeat flit playfully about the sky with the Pelicans of Reunion. La Mina returns mournfully to their camp, and Terry quickly tells them to build a fire. Dan and Ruth-Marie grin with glee. Direction! Hooray! Ruth-Marie calls it "very comforting to have somebody come in and just take over again." Man, she'd have done great in Vichy France. Terry fields a few innocent questions about the mini idol, and admits nothing except that he searched for "about two hours." Out of two whole days? Does no one find that suspicious? No, but you know if any of these idiots is ever exiled, they'll spend no more than two hours searching for the mini idol. It's Terry's way!
Sally informs La Mina that she feels like a worthy competitor and wants to remain in the game, but she knows there's an alliance and that Terry controls it, so she'll have no hard feelings if they let her go. (I fall in love with her two seconds later, when it's clear she's not going to add, "But, if it is me, just let me know first, all right?") Austin wakes up from staring dreamily into Terry's eyes long enough to notice that La Mina has lost two immunity challenges in a row, and fares as poorly in the rewards. He worries that Ruth-Marie might not be able to help them get back on the road to challenge victory, which might mean going into the merge with a minority. This starts to matter to Terry, inasmuch as he'll be the first target after the merge if he doesn't have the numbers to protect him. He'd be a fool to intentionally waste the mini idol that early, if he can prevent it.
Terry's in a bind, because he originally wanted to add Ruth-Marie to their gang of four, since she'll be easy to control. (Extraordinarily easy, as it turns out.) But Sally can make a physical contribution in the challenges, which they need right now since Casaya is pummeling them. When you're sailing through challenges, you can afford to have a Lydia around; when you're pretty evenly matched, you can't. Terry nods, and gives Austin his authority to set the vote against Ruth-Marie instead of Sally. He really seems like a mob boss. Someone better have a strategy to eliminate him, because... damn.
Austin doesn't worry so much about the power Terry has amassed. He's busy comparing himself to Jesus. It's not quite that great, but having Terry's ear will certainly be a nice advantage for a few weeks more, if Austin can keep it.
Terry breaks the news to Dan, who looks even more pained than usual at the prospect of breaking his vow to Ruth-Marie. "To change courses midstream is a big mistake," he says. True on a mission to the moon, but not as much on Survivor. Especially when the original course was more than a tad misguided. Dan is convinced that Sally is going to jump ship on their alliance as soon as it gets her to the merge – she's just offering her allegiance now because it's her only chance to stay in the game. Perhaps. But the point is, she shares their goal. If La Mina has better numbers post-merge, she can be relied upon to vote with them until such time as the numbers no longer prevent her from going off alone, at which point the numbers will be no threat whatsoever to Dan and Terry's gang of four. And it should be noted that for all Ruth-Marie's pronouncements of undying loyalty, she may not be any more reliable. It's a risky bet, gambling on how long it will take someone to wise up and realize that you're using them.
Sally and Ruth-Marie are pretty much wandering the beach alone while all this strategy discussion is going on. Sally cutely describes it as: "The almighty men are up there plotting, and us little women are just down here going, 'I wonder what they're gonna do.'" True enough, but it's not really a gender thing so much as an alliance thing. Ruth-Marie just says, "Sally will be going home, unless something changes that I don't know about." Which is pretty much always the case in any vote involving anybody.
In his own interview, Austin says, "Tonight's vote is still up in the air. We don't know what's gonna happen." Nice job, Austin. Way to read the Survivor cue cards. The show desperately wants us to believe that.
The TribCon interview proceeds pretty much as you'd expect. Everyone's real upbeat and diplomatic. Probst is unable to raise La Mina's curiosity as to whether or not Terry found the mini idol. (I do hope he covered his tracks, rather than leaving broken glass and a gaping hole under the Y tree on E.I. The next exile will have even more clues guiding him or her to that rock, so it's in Terry's interest for the dirt under those rocks to look nice and undisturbed.) Probst stumps Ruth-Marie by asking her what La Mina will miss if they eliminate her. She's not sure they'll miss anything right away, but she takes the occasion to reiterate her loyalty – which, gosh, is mighty valuable.
Ruth-Marie is voted out although Dan stuck with his conscience and voted for Sally – not likely to portend an alliance bust-up, he's just an incredibly ridiculous guy. Sally holds up her vote and addresses Ruth-Marie through the camera: "It's probably going to be you or me tonight, girl. So, I'll miss you." Okay, she's now my favorite Survivor contestant ever. (Except Colleen, of course.) She's played this whole thing with fairly pitch-perfect strategy (she did all she could to convince Austin and Nick not to go with Terry and Dan) and she's been all class all the way. That's unbelievably rare.
I'm sure La Mina would jump at the chance to explain the vote to Ruth-Marie now that it's done. Dan just got a little excited and didn't foresee another immunity loss. Coach Probst praises their positivity, adding that it "can help turn this game around." Oo! Now he's Life Coach Probst, too! But he's right; it can help, and it's certainly something they have over Casaya.
Ruth-Marie's family moment drips with irony ("Ruth-Marie, hurry home!" her adorable brother and sister call out) and then she informs us that she's just the latest in a long line of "underestimated" Survivor and Amazing Race contestants. Yeah, yeah. Tell it walkin', sister.
Next week: That last little bit of you that thinks you could possibly like Casaya (It's so hard to resist Dani's boobs!) is trampled on until it begs for mercy.
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