Mon, February 13, 2006

What?!? No!!! God damn me for opening my big mouth and letting Burnett know he'd done something right. Almost immediately, he institutes a kickball pick to merge the four teams down to two. The TiVo synopsis mentioned "The contestants merge into two teams" but neglected to add "by the most aberrant, putrid method possible." Meanwhile, Probst actually refers to this as a "schoolyard pick." Why didn't I think of this Coach Probst thing myself? They're laying it right in front of me!

As much as I disagree with its methodology, though, the merge doesn't come a moment too soon. The Spiky Haired White Guys (and Bobby) of Viveros are shivering and drinking water off the rafters of their leaky hut. The Casaya hags have not only eliminated their only capable member – they've also let their fire burn out. They'll be dead within hours. Bayoneta is faring somewhat better (having found food), but Misty's arm is so bug-bitten it looks as though she's been napalmed. La Mina had to finish their structure quickly, so they only thatched one half of the roof properly – and it's the half that's not currently being poured on by a torrential rainstorm. Shane says it can't get any worse – and then he's struck by lightning.

The next day, he interviews that he shouldn't be here. He makes "more than enough money," his kid's pee-wee football season is about to start, and he misses his life. He can't understand why he ever decided to be on Survivor. Judging from the multiple short phrases tattooed all over his body, he might have that short-term memory problem like Guy Pearce in Memento. So maybe he actually doesn't remember how he got here. My curiosity is more about his kid, though. You'll notice he never mentions it by name. I'm wondering if he actually has a live, flesh-and-blood son, or if he's just so affectionate with his carton of Kools that he calls it his kid. I can imagine him dressing it in a little football jersey, buckling it into a car seat, and – of course – helping it build and race a soap box racer. All the while slowly removing its insides and smoking them. (Watch, this will be an hour drama next fall on that new UPN/WB chimera.)

Danielle is chosen as the ridiculously hot captain of the Casaya team for the kickball pick. She chooses Shane because of his Boston tattoo, a decision which will come back to haunt her. And Shane remains the oldest person selected until someone picks Cirie, six picks later. The ol' kickball pick, she sends a powerful message to the old people. And that message is: we hate you.

When it's all over, Dani, Shane, Courtney, Aras, Cirie, Bobby, and Melinda don purple Casaya buffs, while Terry, Sally, Austin, Misty, Nick, Ruth-Marie, and Dan sport orange La Mina buffs. They'll abandon the "young person" beaches and go back to the camps associated with their new team names. Bruce (who turns out to be an art teacher) is picked by no one, so he leaves immediately for Exile Island where he'll remain for three days, returning in time for the next Tribal Council and taking the place of whomever is voted out by that tribe. So, basically, the outcast twist is back. What a total fucking gyp. Ironically, Bruce seems like the strongest and most stable of the over 30 set. So this kind of works in favor of whichever team loses immunity.

After a reward challenge in which Nick and Courtney must transport six wooden snakes through an obstacle course, La Mina wins fishing gear (hooks, a diving mask, swim fins, a raft with paddles, and a spear – which is Rupert's, so hands off). Both teams report to their new homes for the first time, and everyone at Casaya is really impressed with their new shelter, which is reportedly waterproof. Cirie and Melinda beam with pride, taking credit for its construction since the person who single-handedly built the whole thing has been sent home and can't stand up for herself. At the same time, they're also bristling at all these young, energetic folk who have – in Cirie's words – "invaded" their camp. So, they hated Tina and they hate these go-getters as well? What did they want, to just stay partnered with Ruth-Marie and somehow win every single immunity challenge? Their aversion to the newcomers is a response to feeling unable to connect with them. They're older and they have less in common, so they just sit on the sidelines and roll their eyes a lot. "We're screwed," Melinda says of their TribCon chances. Well, yeah. And you weren't screwed in a threesome sans Tina? Maybe now would be a good time to swallow your pride and make some friends?

After a quick glimpse from the Symbolic Iguana of Excessively Early Alliances, Shane announces that he wants to make a final four bond right now – with Courtney and Dani, plus Aras, who isn't even in attendance. And, he adds, "Let's not be dramatic and cheat on each other five people in." When Aras shows up, he's told what he's been drafted into, and he seems okay with it. To Danielle, this is a function of communication. Melinda, Cirie, and Bobby weren't making enough eye contact or getting to know anyone, so when it was time for an impromptu alliance to spring out of nowhere, they weren't in it.

Over at La Mina, Dan the astronaut is thrilled. He has remained on the same team as his man friend, Terry. (Although, it seems like if you have a blood alliance with someone that will last unconditionally into eternity, there may be some strategic advantage to having him on the other team.) Obeying the will of the iguana, Dan and Terry leap into an alliance with Nick and Austin (because girls are icky). Nick interviews that this should prove useful at least until the merge, while Austin chats with Sally who wants to start a different impromptu alliance with Nick and Misty (because old people are icky). Austin feels like he and Nick are stuck in the middle (Vote out the swing vote!) and this tells him that the game of Survivor is "serious" not "fun and games."

Kickin' it over at E.I. is Bruce, who gets a clue sheet which recaps all the previous clues (a transcript of Coach Probst's words to Misty, with the word "WHY" conspicuously enclosed in quotes wherever it appears) and adds a new clue just for him – the mini idol is above the tide line (duh!) and there's a particular slice of the island where it won't be found. Bruce vows to scour the island from one end to the other as soon as he starts his fire, but he ends up breaking the flint, engaging in some tai chi, then curling into the fetal position and sleeping under a skillet and a strip of tree bark while the rain pours down over Exile Island. Turns out pretty much the entire island is where the mini idol won't be found tonight.

In the bright sun, Sally and Nick take the raft out fishing and after the editors bash us over the head with a bunch of foreshadowy sound bites from Sally about how terrible it would be to lose the spear, she chucks the spear into the ocean on a practice shot and sends it spiraling into the briny deep. Unfortunately, the spear isn't like the chore hat – it counts even if it's a practice. Nick is extraordinarily easygoing about the loss, which can be contrasted with the reaction of Dan and Terry as soon as they find out. Terry's jaw drops in horror and he immediately asks the dumbest question so far: "Did you try to look for it?" No, ass. We wept for a few moments, then came straight back here to ask you what to do. He later interviews that he has no doubt they'd be eating "tons of fish" if they had the spear. Combined with all those shrimp he brought, this would make quite a smorgasbord. What would be the point of the last eight reward challenges? They could just feast off of La Mina's leftovers! Misty tells Sally that they should just build a new spear. Whoa. Either those missile engineers are extremely talented, or Misty is somehow related to the Professor from Gilligan's Island. (We know she has a little Mary Ann in her.)

Danielle shows up for the immunity challenge having fashioned her buff into a "push up" element for her bikini top. The effect is undeniably compelling, but this borders on the kind of display that got CBS into so much hot water a couple of Super Bowls ago, so Burnett should tread lightly. Misty announces to Coach Probst that La Mina's motto is positive energy. In fact, positive energy powered the mini-sub that she built to shuttle them to the immunity challenge. She's happy to be on a team with so many upbeat people who are thankful and excited to be playing Survivor.

Sensing an opening, Coach Probst asks Shane next. Shane has one neuron left that's not devoted to the panic of nicotine withdrawal, and it's not enjoying life at Casaya. Here's Shane's reply, unabridged: "I don't know how people want to feel about stuff, but I'm not going to lie. We are in a dire situation. And, you know, the whole, like, 'Ooh, let's act like we're doing all right so the other tribe thinks we're...' You know what I mean? Screw that. We are not in a good way. Physically, we're wrecked." He's in marketing, right? Man, his commercials must be awesome! "You know, a lot of other companies... Like, 'We're Kraft Macaroni 'N Cheese. We're the cheesiest! We have all this cheese, so like, the other cheese companies...' Whatever. Okay? We're gonna be honest, okay? Cheese sucks. This sucks. Give me three packs of Newports and a salami the size of my forearm. That's a meal. Fuck cheese. You get me?"

During his maniacal diatribe, Shane garners puzzled and awkward stares from his new alliance-mates, his new teammates, his former teammates, and some birds. Probst lets a long pause hang pregnant in the air, before exhaling, "Okay."

In what might be the cutest immunity challenge ever, the teams will be transporting a zombie head from the ocean onto the beach. The challenge will "test your ability to work as a team." Because Coach Probst doesn't just impose these challenges on the teams at random. He's testing their mettle. Sampling their goods. No, it's not about what will be back-breakingly difficult and make for good television; that's not the point. The point is to prove, to Probst's satisfaction, that these players are worthy. He must determine how much of a man these contestants are. And that includes the women. And most of the men. Just not Bruce. He's cowering under a skillet, a broken man clenching fistfuls of broken flint. The rest of them, though? They're going to prove to Coach Probst what they're made of. By working together. To transport a heavy prop onto a colored mat on a beach.

Of course, the prop must be carried in a boat with a bunch of holes in its hull, and that boat is weighed down by a heavy box on the bottom of the sea. So they'll be bailing out the boat while their teammates are on the ocean floor dragging the box ashore. Then they can clip the half-sunken boat to a hitching post, haul the box up onto the mat, drag the head out of the boat and complete the giant zombie doll that the art department has put together. (Although it looks a lot more like something some teenage vegans should be carrying back and forth in front of a Banana Republic to protest unfair wage practices in its Sri Lankan workshops.) Once they do this, Coach Probst will believe that they are okay at working together as a team. A crazed, exhausted, half-submerged team.

In fact, as soon as they start, Coach Probst hollers, "You're going to have to work together to get that water out of the boat!" How so? They have their own individual little buckets – why don't they just bail with them, individually? Also, why doesn't someone put his or her foot over one of the holes? It won't stop all the water from seeping in, but it can't hurt. When I accidentally stand on the drain in my shower while I'm shaving, you'd be surprised how fast the water level comes up.

For Casaya, this seems like the ultimate throwable challenge. They lose, they can vote off Shane and get Bruce. Awesome. And for a while, it looks like throwing the challenge is exactly what they're doing. Bobby dives down with Aras to lift Casaya's heavy box/anchor, then immediately realizes why this is a very silly idea. He resurfaces, and hands over his mask to... Shane? This guy has the lung capacity of a termite! Before long, La Mina has taken a commanding lead. "But only," says Coach Probst, "because Casaya is absolutely inept." Ohhhh, someone's ass is so getting towel-snapped in the locker room after this challenge. Courtney joins Aras underwater, and after syncing up their qi, they manage to haul the box farther than anyone has yet. Above sea level, Shane and his teammates half-heartedly bail water out of their boat while devoting most of their energy to watching La Mina's progress.

Working together, La Mina hauls/shoves their boat ashore, while Misty muscles the rope until it clips into the hitching post. Then they scramble up the beach with the anchor, and Nick (who has been straining underwater) actually lifts Ruth-Marie onto his shoulders to put the head on the body of the giant zombie doll. Very impressive. Meanwhile, Shane kicks at the water and turns his back on the challenge, stalking off down the beach looking for someone to blame.

A foreboding glance from the Monkeys of Imminent Quitsmanship, and then we see Shane, who hates to lose. All right, this guy definitely fell out of the Apprentice audition bin and landed in the Survivor basket at Burnett HQ by mistake. He continues to lament his stupid decision to be on the show, and he continues to miss his son. His sweet, tarry son. So full of flavor. So full of vim and pep. Oh, how he wishes he could be smoking his son right now. Shane just wants to go home.

Aras talks Shane out of quitting, since it was Shane's idea to form this unassailable alliance from which nobody would ever punk out. Shane does at least owe it to these people to put them on decent footing, numbers-wise, before he pulls an Osten. Aras promises that if Shane still wants to go after one more night of sleep, he'll happily vote for him – adding, with unintentional cuteness, that nobody will have any problem voting Shane off at that point.

Since it's decided, Aras sees no reason to put on a charade about how the voting will go. He informs the team that he will be voting for Cirie or Melinda, on the basis of physical strength. The two women are dumbstruck by this historic Survivor first, but his ally Courtney takes it badly. She thinks it's unstable for Aras to be so forthright, although without the numbers, it's unlikely Cirie or Melinda can do anything about it. The only way they'd get the numbers is if someone like Courtney freaks out and abandons her sturdy, youthful alliance and votes against Aras out of spite. Fortunately, this doesn't happen. (Fortunately for whom, I'm not sure.)

At Tribal Council, Shane announces that he quit his 3-pack-a-day smoking habit the day he got to the island. Probst says nothing, but his eyebrows say, "What a giant fucking moron!" Cirie sobs that she would be disappointing her family if she were sent home after six days. Probst asks what kind of family would put that sort of pressure on such ready-made Survivor cannon fodder as Cirie. She admits that they would be supportive, but she'd be disappointed in herself on their behalf since she intends to use the million dollars to help them. Aw. Sweet. And poignant. But, in the list of reasons not to vote for someone at TribCon: pretty much dead last. Because the point of every vote at TribCon is to improve your own odds at winning the million, so if someone else has a good use for the million, that should be entirely irrelevant because you're working hard to make sure they don't get the million – you do. Besides, since this is an alliance vote, last minute emotional pleas won't make any difference. The name going on the parchment is the name that was decided in the last huddle back at camp. And that name is Melinda. She insists that she was eliminated because she "wasn't all, 'Dude, what's up?'" and that she couldn't be that, and wouldn't want to be. Why that prevented her from playing smart strategy or trying to make friends is left unexplained. But for now she's more excited to take a shower and eat a meal. (Take that, Melinda's friends!) At least she didn't drag out the tired, "They just voted for me because I'm the biggest threat," line.

Next week: Misty cuddles Austin and Nick, which Coach Probst attributes to the throwing about of some feminine wiles. Sand is kicked into faces, faces are kicked into sand. Girls wrestle. (Oo!) Shane continues bellowing, although it's unclear at whom – maybe Cirie, maybe Courtney, maybe those damn Monkeys of Imminent Quitsmanship.

POLL:

Democracy Equals Freedom

Who do you think Casaya should've sent home?

	Shane – Anyone who wants to quit should get off my island and out of my adventure.
	Cirie – She offers nothing of value to the team and she's whiny!
	Melinda – She never said "Dude, what's up?" with appropriate conviction.
	Aras – How dare anyone speak truthfully about a Survivor alliance?
	Courtney – How dare anyone stress the integrity of a spanking-new Survivor alliance?
	Coach Probst – C'mon. How awesome would it be if they all wrote him in?

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