Mon, November 14, 2005

This week, the Survivor contestants are right where we last left them, except now without Brandon. This should come as no surprise; in my last column, he was the only contestant I gave more than even odds to make it into the final two, so it stands to reason he'd be eliminated immediately. (Actually, it just goes to show they all saw as much of a threat in him as I did.) They're still boiling over the big controversy from their first official individual immunity challenge – in which Jamie taunted Bobby Jon while Bobby Jon was trying to balance a jug on his head to win immunity – while Jamie was skipping that task to eat a feast. Everyone's still bickering over the verbal throwdown at TribCon, in which it was repeatedly insisted that Jamie showed "no class" by sparring with Bobby Jon in the midst of a challenge.

The thing is, when you're balancing a jug on your head, the most important thing is not to move your head. It's tough, because moving any part of your body under your head is likely to jostle your head a little – that's why it's easier to stand still with a jug on your head than walk with a jug on your head. Bobby Jon and the other former members of Yaxha 2.0 are standing, so it's already relatively easy for them. To prevent them winning immunity, the only hope Jamie has is to get them to move somehow. He knows Bobby Jon's a hothead, and he won't stand quietly when provoked. If he can get him aggravated, maybe Bobby Jon will talk back, or – better yet – start yelling. These activities would move Bobby Jon's jaw and just might cause his head to move enough to drop the jug. In the end, it doesn't work, but I don't think it has anything to do with gloating or lacking class – Jamie just wanted to provoke Bobby Jon into an argument in the hopes that it might add difficulty to the immunity challenge and make the Tribal Council vote easier. I don't see why Jamie never explained this strategy after the challenge, because it would've helped soothe his relationship with Stephenie, Rafe, and Judd, who also thought it was poor sportsmanship – and whose support he needs.

Anyway, back at camp after ousting Brandon, Bobby Jon and Jamie enter into a Pussy Apology Truce (to borrow a term from Arksie, not Arrested Development): Bobby Jon backs down, admitting, "Maybe I had a wrong opinion" and Jamie says being called classless "broke my heart." They shake hands. To me, Judd has the wisest response to all this: "It's a competition." Yes, it is. It's not about who's nicest or who breaks the least hearts – it's about trying whatever strategy you think will best assure your victory. Sometimes the strategy backfires; sometimes it's not particularly nice. But still – it's a competition.

Rafe, displaying exactly the sort of non-strategic strategy that makes me loathe him, sums it up this way: "If Jamie doesn't use this as a learning experience, then I'm going to change up this game." Meaning, Rafe has a strategy to shift the balance of power and upend the alliance of the "Magical Six" (a term Probst coined which has now been picked up by Bobby Jon as well). But he'll only deploy that strategy if Jamie isn't nice. Otherwise, he'll contentedly continue not to gain the upper hand, virtually locking himself out of a chance at the million dollars. First, you don't base your strategy on who's nice. This game is not about who "deserves" to be in the game, or "deserves" to win the million dollars. You're not on the island to pick some virtuous, deserving individual you want to be runner-up to, you're there to win. Any vote based on anything other than giving yourself the best chance to win is a wasted vote. (And yes, I'm aware they're not on an actual island, but "the island" is how I like to refer to the game of Survivor. This is why I hate it so much when they stage the show inland.) Oh, and second: if Rafe has a strategy to improve his lot on the island – he's an absolute idiot for not deploying it. If he sits on it, the game will shift, the numbers will change, and he'll have to come up with a whole new plan.

At the reward challenge, nobody even responds when Probst asks, "Youuuuuwannnaknow what you're playing for?" Because they already know it's food. It's clearly going to continue to be food for every single reward challenge until it's a car (which will be filled with food). In this case, they use a traditional throwing device called an atlatl to fling an arrow towards a target on the ground. They get one shot, with no practice – so going late in the order is a huge advantage. The order of how close their shot is to the target determines what food reward they'll get. (That's right – everybody gets food, it's only a matter of how much.) Judd wins the top spot, followed by Cindy, Danni, and Jamie. But Jamie chooses to deploy the Boston Rob Forgo Contingency, passing up his place and moving to the end of the food reward continuum as an expression of mock contrition for being so "classless" at the last giant feast Probst unfurled before this group. (This is a dumb move because it's transparent, because politics like the classless thing – and this gesture – are so quickly forgotten in this game, and because it doesn't really ingratiate Judd, Cindy, or Danni.) Probst allows it, but then he makes a huge deal about it when it's time to start handing out the food. He dwells on the food Jamie would have received if he'd stayed put (a hamburger and beer, instead given to Steph), and contrasting that with the food he gets (some nuts and boiled lake water). Clearly, somebody told Probst there's not enough drama or emotional intrigue in the show, because he's been stoking the flames whenever possible. Also, while Judd is allowed to pick two of his competitors to eat at his table and share his open bar, his food, and his dessert cart, nobody else is allowed to share food. On the surface, this seems to be further cruelty aimed at seeding dissent, but I think this dumb rule actually protects everyone else from the same dopey politics as Jamie's forfeit and Judd's sharing – there won't be hurt feelings if Danni doesn't share a bite of spaghetti with Jamie, because she can't. I miss the early days of Survivor when stupid popularity-contest decisions like sharing rewards and trading immunity weren't part of the game. (Judd, of course, picks Stephenie and Bobby Jon to share his food, which is preposterous from a strategic standpoint – strategically you pick Gary or Danni and Cindy or Rafe, to set yourself up for shifting alliances as the pack thins out.)

Later, after a wasted Judd makes a pass at Bobby Jon and pukes in the shelter overnight, the Mad Dash of Rampant Strategizing commences. Gary takes Jamie aside to pledge his support to the Magic Six, in hopes of improving his place in the firing squad of former Yaxha 2.0 and also making a play for survival once the Magic Six undergoes its inevitable implosion. Sensing this, Jamie quickly tells the Magic Six that Gary said he'd vote for Jamie at the next TribCon, instead of voting with Jamie. This is either an attempt to remove Gary as a threat, or Jamie just misunderstood – it's never made clear. Meanwhile, although Steph and Rafe are both irked by Jamie's paranoia, Rafe enters into an agreement to stick with Jamie, indicating a possibly interesting new sub-alliance within the Magic Six. Jamie is right to be suspicious of the Magic Six's stability, but I agree with Steph and Rafe that he verbalizes it too often, contributing to a general sense of uneasiness that could very well start the implosion prematurely.

The immunity challenge takes place in three legs, with the pack narrowing after each. They must balance across a beam, untying wooden planks along the way, then use the planks to balance across a knotted rope bridge, and finally make their way across a two-line balance bridge. Jamie pulls out a win, which is fortunate if he was intentionally lying about Gary's TribCon comment, because now Gary's non-Jamie vote won't disprove Jamie's lie: Gary can't vote for him no matter what.

Back at camp, Gary is in strategy overdrive: he asks Stephenie for the favor of a heads-up if he's scheduled for elimination at Tribal Council. As always, this is a ridiculous request to make, because that information shouldn't allow him to change any votes at the last minute; but I suppose if he were certain that Bobby Jon would be next to go, he could theoretically hold onto the secret immunity idol and save it for another time. Unfortunately, since the next elimination will create the first jury member, Steph can't just brush off this request the way she could (and should) otherwise. Treating Gary right might win her a million dollar vote. Next, Gary tracks Judd as he goes looking for the secret immunity idol, or Baby Idol as I call it. Judd received a vague hint about the location of Baby Idol as part of his reward and – unable to keep a secret – he showed it to Stephenie, then lied to the rest of the group that the clue mentioned the idol was on the ground (the clue specifically says it isn't). Gary wisely notices that Judd is idiotically scanning the very tops of the trees, and figures out that Judd probably lied to the group.

Judd probably should've figured out that if he wants to lie to everyone about where to look for Baby Idol, he needs to be damn sure not to be seen looking for it in the opposite location. Besides, just because it isn't on the ground, doesn't mean it's located in the extreme opposite direction – the sky. Even if it's hidden in a tree, chances are it's not so high up you'd need Zhang Ziyi to help you reach it.

Meanwhile, the Mad Dash of Rampant Strategizing continues, with Bobby Jon warning Jamie and Judd that they will be betrayed by Stephenie. Theoretically, he knows this because he's played with her before, but last time she stayed with him until they were the last two people on Ulong, and he has no one to blame for her outlasting him but himself and his abysmal fire-starting skills. He tells the guys that Steph will "do what she's gotta do." The only thing going through their minds should be, "What she's gotta do... to win? Well, yeah. So will we."

At Tribal Council, Probst senses that there's been a lot of back-channel dealing, but still plays all dumb, asking the assembled contestants: "Can you lie in this game without breaking a moral code?" Don't answer that, idiots. It's a game. Ignore him. Instead, Gary chimes in with, "it's about how you want to play," which is the cheap answer that Survivor contestants always use to try to guilt each other into being more honest. Yes, Gary, how do you want to play? To win? Or to not? Because it's nearly impossible to maintain any sort of voting advantage without ever having the element of surprise – and the only way to keep that is by occasionally lying to the next person who'll be voted out. Plus, if honesty is such a great policy, then why was it so "classless" for Jamie to honestly point out the (obvious) fact that the merged team was still divided along New Nakum/Yaxha 2.0 lines?

Then, three priceless shots in a row: Gary produces Baby Idol from his pack; Bobby Jon hangs his head, knowing if he isn't the main vote, he's most certainly the auxiliary backup vote; and Probst immediately snaps, "No talking!" because he's an absolute dick. When on this show has anyone ever stood up at Tribal Council and said, "Okay, everyone! Now we vote for Bobby Jon!" If you didn't want them to react to Baby Idol, then don't require Gary to produce it before the vote. Besides, they all know Baby Idol is out there – you really think they'd come to TribCon without a backup vote lined up?

After Bobby Jon is eliminated, Probst switches his hate-bot from hating mode to tremendously condescending mode and unleashes it on the remaining contestants, informing them: it's the point of the game where lying is a factor, and they're lying to their own jury. There was a time when he'd just host the show. Then he dubbed himself some sort of de facto hall monitor, and now he's just acting like a spiritual guru. It's enough to make you miss the quiet judgment of Phil Keoghan. He disapproves of his Amazing Race contestants just as often, but he has the poise to keep most of it to himself.

This week, Stephenie received two ill-fated votes from Bobby Jon and Danni – I hope this serves as a wake-up call and next week she lays some strategy on us. If not, I guess it'll still be fun watching Danni writhe around in the mud.

© onebee · all rights reserved