Mon, October 24, 2005

This week is far and away the best episode of Survivor: Guatemala thus far. That's in terms of things happening the way I want; it may not be the most compelling episode, but it's correct, and I like that. That's not to say every scene is a good one: it begins, of course, with more whining about contestants "crossing party lines" with their TribCon votes. People, you really need to get over this. I don't know how I can make it any plainer. It's simply preposterous for Brandon to be so stunned that Danni and Bobby Jon would vote for Blake, and it's overwhelming that Margaret is still whining about Judd's vote from two Tribal Councils ago! You'll never win this game by expending all your energy fighting against its basic elements. Deceit, twists, and shifting alliances. They're as guaranteed as the cargo net challenge and the overabundance of pockets on Probst's shirt. Why fight it? Adapt.

As if to prove my point: a giant and utterly unnecessary twist. The reward challenge will be of the remmunity variety – the very worst kind. The team that wins reward (a giant barbeque) will compete for individual immunity, then both teams will visit Tribal Council. Burnett is applying the lessons he's learned on The Apprentice: the boardroom is the most interesting part of that show, and thus it takes up about 40 minutes of each hour. Why not expand to a dual TribCon and do the same on Survivor?

I'll tell you why not. Giving the contestants a few extra minutes to whine at Donald Trump about each other's behavior makes sense – Trump is the final arbiter of who goes home. Giving Survivor teammates more time to bicker at Probst is meaningless – Probst is nothing more than a nanny in cargo shorts. TribCon is the worst part of Survivor. The best part is challenges and now you've essentially taken away one of those. If anything, the losing team should compete in the second challenge – at least they wouldn't go home empty handed, and you'd have the possibility of the stronger members on each team throwing the reward challenge in hopes of winning individual immunity later.

The reward challenge is the one we saw in last week's scenes: the big Raiders ball getting shoved around by teams. Two-on-two, they try to push the big ball across the opposing finish line, like a reverse tug-of-war. Two things are noteworthy here: First, Jamie and Bobby Jon get in each other's faces and whoop a lot after the first matchup. Second, Amy's ankle fails again, she's partially pinned under the ball, but she wins when she's forced to compete again right away by the randomized gender matchup (with only two women on Yaxha, it's not so random). Nakum pulls out another victory, and moves on to the individual immunity challenge which is a variation on the now familiar word scramble: grab bags of lettered tiles, race them over to your work bench, open them and re-order the tiles to spell a secret phrase. Judd is last to get his tiles out of the bag, but looking over Rafe's shoulder, he notices that the phrase is "ancient ruin" and blurts this out, giving Rafe the win. Probst is agog, and Judd plays it off innocently, although it's made to look like an Anybody But Margaret vote. Judd can't finish his own puzzle in time, so he helps Rafe complete his just so Margaret doesn't win immunity and spoil Nakum's TribCon plans. This is probably the case, but I had a similar thing happen to me in the second grade, and I can tell you that it is possible to slip up entirely by accident. (The substitute teacher was furious with me by the way, and I kind of had the hots for her daughter. So it didn't pay off for me as nicely as it does for Judd.)

Back at camp, Yaxha deconstructs their loss. Bobby Jon mentions that he "put [Jamie] in his place." Um, not really. They each just hollered. Jamie didn't finish the encounter any more nor less in his place. Danni mentions that Nakum had an advantage because they're bigger and have more weight. No, not at all. See, like everyone else, she fails to grasp that the object of this challenge should never be to rotate the top of the ball directly toward the opponent's goal. There are two people standing between the ball and the goal – rolling it in that direction would be very difficult! The object is to spin the ball to the side, similar to the "port around" maneuver that failed to save Titanic: take control away from the other team – once you're past them, then roll it forward into the goal. This is like the "stay on every hand" strategy in the Amazing Race blackjack challenge. It's astonishing nobody figures it out, even more so that nobody manages to stumble upon it. Especially this group, which was happy to try crazy, counterintuitive moves during the tug-of-war challenge.

Double TribCon also means Double Annoying Footage of Everyone Soliciting Votes: Brian tries to convince Yaxha to eliminate Bobby Jon next, which is ludicrous since Bobby Jon has already proved his willingness to vote against Nakum Classic. You can see the gears turning in Gary's head as Brian proposes this, and it makes sense: Brian is probably Gary's smartest vote, because he still needs Brandon and Bobby Jon for challenges, Amy will be an easy vote later should he need her, and Brian is playing Survivor with unstoppable strategic energy, so he can only become a greater threat as time passes. At Nakum, the annoying footage has less to do with votes, because everyone knows they're voting for Margaret, and Margaret isn't even trying to convince them otherwise. (At the top of the show, she said she wasn't "giving up," and that she'd "wait for an opening." Apparently, she's still waiting.) There's a brief argument over the distribution of the reward beer. A real brew-ha-ha (ha ha!) in which someone (probably Judd) has drunk an extra beer. There's a half-hearted attempt to make this into a liability for Judd, but nobody in their right mind would base a TribCon vote on such a trifling matter anyway.

Around the campfire, Probst wants lots of answers and emotions are running high. Jamie opens by explaining his clash with Bobby Jon, saying they're both "from the South." I'll never understand these Southerners who seem hellbent on purposely perpetuating the misconception that they're all stupid, belligerent hicks. Then Probst pours salt, iodine, and a bag full of leeches onto the wound between Judd and Margaret. The result is a shouting match in which Margaret repeatedly whines to Probst about Judd's boorish behavior – as if Probst is the hall monitor – and Judd inarticulately defends himself. I'm no fan of Judd's, in fact I took Margaret's side in the dustup that started all this bad blood. When Nakum Classic won a tarp and Margaret offered some helpful tips on installing it, Judd was chief among the men who unnecessarily bristled at her suggestions, calling her a bossy bitch when she was really just being helpful and they were all too caught up in their macho image to consider letting a girl have any input. He's a selfish, stupid lout. But she's much, much worse because she plays this game badly, and those are the people I have the least respect for. Margaret contributes almost nothing to her team from the very start, then gets petulant when her plans to coast neatly into the merge are disrupted by Judd's fair and insightful use of the team-shuffling twist to recast his position within New Nakum. Worse yet, she fails to understand that Probst doesn't get a vote at Tribal Council. If there's any value in speaking your mind at TribCon – and there isn't; all the votes have already been decided – you've got to address the team, not the moderator. She just keeps eyeing Probst and sighing, "See what it's like?" Probst isn't going to hand her a free immunity just because she can prove that she's put-upon.

He is, however, happy to defend the moronic concept of loyalty to a now-dissolved team. Thankfully, Stephenie steps up. "This is his new tribe," she points out, adding, "Is he going to be like, 'I'm not going to talk to [Steph and Jamie] because my old tribe is not on my tribe any more'? That's retarded." Exactly. Nakum votes unanimously to send Margaret packing and she leaves without looking back. That opening is apparently still out there, and she's happy to keep waiting for it.

Just when you thought it was over: more TribCon. Bobby Jon's side of the encounter with Jamie is that there was a lot of "testosterone." Ugh. I'm so sick of people playing the hormone card. Besides being gross and reminding me of a high school health class filmstrip, it's a pointless biological tangent in response to a much simpler interpersonal question. "Don't talk to me, Probst. It's all medulla oblongata, adrenal glands, and serotonin reuptake." He and Gary think Jamie trash-talks too much, but I think this is a misunderstanding. After snapping Nakum's demoralizing losing streak, Jamie yelled, "Who's smiling now?" a lot, but this was in response to something Probst said before that challenge about Nakum not smiling very much. He wasn't antagonizing Yaxha so much as he was responding to Probst's smug bullshit. For that, he should get a medal. Asked about her ankle, Amy replies that she "tweaked it a little bit," but refuses to let on that she might be seriously injured. She's really the opposite of Jim from Nakum Classic. He'd tell his "audible pop" story to anyone who'd listen and a few who couldn't care, but she won't admit that her ankle bone is poking out of her leg because she's afraid it'll make her an elimination target. Oops, guess she doesn't realize she's way past that: as an elimination "sure thing," she'll just be kept around until there's a difficult vote and they all need to agree on someone to vote off.

Then begin the subtle hints that Yaxha will get smart and get rid of Brian now, before it's too late. I always figured his public campaign against Blake would expose his conniving ways. First, Bobby Jon refers to him as "a kamikaze that's gonna bust a wedge," which is poetic even though it makes no sense. Then, Danni praises what a "gentleman" he is, and finally – as part of his weekly monologue about how heartbreaking TribCon is – Bobby Jon mentions that everyone "gives 110% around camp," offering as an example that he'll turn around and someone will put a corn cake in his face. Seems like a hint at Brian, since he's often seen contributing to the corn grinding chores.

Probst adds to Rafe's individual immunity reward – which also included a chance to sit in as the lone jury member at Yaxha's TribCon – by allowing Rafe to bestow immunity upon one of Yaxha's members, but then Rafe must leave before the vote and his choice won't be exposed until after the votes are in. (Crazy! What if it's a unanimous vote and Rafe gave that person immunity? Someone will go home with just one vote?)

Then, voting time: Brian remains unaware of his ouster and very smug about his strategy. Revealing his vote for Bobby Jon, he smirks: "This would be the 'outwit' part of 'Outwit. Outplay. Outlast.'" Yeah, ass, and this would be the part where you put the "twit" in "outwit." It sure as hell isn't the "outlast" part – everyone else votes for Brian, and he's blindsided but gracious in defeat. Probst tells the remaining Yaxha that Brian had no idea what was coming, and that could happen to any of them. Yeah, whatever Probst. a) That's supposed to happen; b) it was actually kind of nice of them to boost his spirits before eliminating him; and c) it's the Schindler's List effect – you've forced them to talk in front of Rafe, so of course they're only going to talk about the person who will soon be out of the game, to avoid spilling any juicy tidbits.

By the way, Rafe gave his immunity to Gary, which just goes to show you how completely incompetent Rafe is at playing this game. Of course he was going to give immunity to someone from his original team, but Gary needs it least out of anyone. Amy could have used it in case they were concerned about her ankle. Brian could have used it if Rafe noticed any of the unsubtle hints that he was on the chopping block. But Gary? Everyone loves him, and he's strong in challenges. He's practically got immunity already. Also, Brian mentions in his final words that being blindsided was the only way he'd want to go. Good man. Good player (although extremely obnoxious). Take that, Probst – he likes it that way.

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	Shii-Ann: Survivor: All-Stars
	Danni: Survivor: Guatemala
	Colleen: Survivor: Borneo

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