Tue, September 20, 2005

Welcome to Survivor: Guatemala – The Maya Empire. The Maya will be generously lending the ruins of their once great civilization, and also providing kooky names like Yaxha and Nakum for the teams. Despite being landlocked, we know this is going to be a great season for Survivor because of the super-exciting CBS promos. "You were expecting a big twist – there won't be one! There'll be TWO!" (Scout Leader from Pizza Hut Commercial: "Then we'll pay for two!" Burnett: "Then you'll get four!!") And the first major twist is that the show will now be hosted by E. Annie Proulx, who will use her Pulitzer as the individual immunity charm. No, only kidding. It's still Probst, whose name sounds only slightly less like a badger vomiting on a campfire. He and his adventure-seeking cameraman friend are once again giving us the quick travelogue view of the hellscape where he'll be abandoning the contestants to fend for themselves. He refers to the Maya as a "once powerful and sophisticated civilization" and allows us to make our own mental contrast between that and a bunch of pissy twentysomethings dry humping in the dirt and bickering over bags of rice.

Next, the teams are revealed, and they've been conveniently divided up ahead of time, which is always the best way. You've got a casting department, why not use it? This way the mixture guarantees maximum conflict and/or sexual tension – plus, the casting team is great at cute little jokes like arranging Nakum so that every male member has initials B, J, or both. These are the little touches that make this show more enjoyable than a crowbar to the kneecap.

These kids don't have long to stand around watching Morgan putting rabbits into top hats, because Probst immediately stuns them with information that has been freely available on the Internet for weeks. Tom and Katie aren't really in love! No, wait, the other information – Bobby Jon and Stephenie are back! For some reason, they'll be playing a little mini-All-Stars amidst the other contestants. I suppose there's some notoriety in being the winningest losers in Survivor history, but why does that mean they get adopted by these unsuspecting foster teams? (I can never get enough of Stephenie, so of course I'm not complaining.) Both teams are super excited, which makes sense at this stage because the whole summer camp experience is brand new, and if they stick with the kids who were here last year, they can hope to avoid all the swirlies and short-sheeting. In a few weeks, though, if Steph and BJ are still around, I think they'll start to seem like a threat.

Probst tells the teams that they'll "live amongst these ruins like the Maya did" (although presumably these buildings had roofs back then, a convenience which should not be overlooked), and then I have to pause the TiVo to weep with joy for a few minutes: a reward challenge! I can't remember the last time a new Survivor season started without one of those goddamned "remmunity" games. But this time, they're playing for reward and immunity separately! Someone read my letters! Now, let me just unpause this– oh! Aw! Oh, God. (Gag.) The challenge is a 24-hour, eleven mile trek straight through the dense jungle, carrying supplies like grain and fruit and water. Dear lord, that seems cruel. Twisting the knife, Probst cheerily warns the teams to keep an eye out for poisonous snakes. Yeah, right.

This reminds me of something I've been meaning to mention from The Amazing Race. The odds that a reality TV show is going to kill you are pretty damn close to zero. Burnett, Moonves, and even Bruckheimer are evil maniacs with plans to take over the universe – but even they recoil from the amount of paperwork involved if you actually kill someone on your TV show. The chance of someone dying in the jungle from a snake bite is pretty low, just like the chance of someone falling to his or her death from one of TAR's zip lines or bungee jumps. I've been catching up with the first four seasons of TAR on the GSN reruns, and every time someone (usually Flo) refuses to do an adventure challenge Detour for fear of dying, I have to pause the TiVo and scream bloody murder for ten minutes. Flo and Zach are chasing sheep around a paddock, and she defends the choice not to bungee jump by saying, "I don't want to die." Does she honestly expect the next mandatory rest period to include eating, sleeping, mingling, and a memorial service for one of the twins who died during the bungee jump? "Oh, yeah," says Phil, "every season we have at least one team that's eliminated because they end up in a bloody pile at the bottom of some canyon." Be careful, sure. But don't fear death on reality TV. Admittedly, it's not a big leap from The Swan to televised executions, but I'm pretty sure when they start killing people on TV, it'll at least be in the name of the show – not just a surprise twist on Survivor.

Both teams hike into the jungle, with neither Steph nor Bobby Jon having learned anything from the starting challenge of last year's game. When Probst allows you to choose what rations you carry, it's a trick! It's meant to look like a trade-off between weighing down your team during the race and starving at the finish, but in reality you know the next handful of reward challenges will provide all the food you need. Fill your canteens with water, leave the rest to rot in the sun, and get moving! Nakum makes quick progress into the jungle, as withered cannon fodder Jim tries to make himself useful by showing off the compass skills he picked up at Lexington and Concord. He sends Brandon into the woods along a line of sight, then everyone else catches up with him and the process is repeated. "Hey!" some of the younger players can be heard to say under their breaths, "This guy is pretty impressive. We might wish to keep him around for a few TribCons!" Ha ha. Not really. Nobody ever thinks that about old people on Survivor. All they're thinking is, "Good thing we won't need a compass to find our camp once we get to camp! Buh-bye!" Nakum pushes on, maintaining an impressive but indeterminate lead over Yaxha, until– oh my God! Blake just almost died! No, my mistake – a tree branch fell on him. A tree branch with lots of prickly spines on it, which nurse practitioner Margaret manages to pull out of his shoulder. But apparently not before they inject him with some sort of venom that makes him throw up so violently that he makes a noise like a garbage disposal. Yowza. That ain't pretty.

Helping guide the Yaxha team, Gary Hogeboom (a former NFL quarterback, for the edification of my fellow gays) interviews that he's planning to keep his football career a secret and pose as landscaper Gary Hawkins for the duration of Survivor: Guatemala. Evidently, he feels his past as a leader of burly menfolk might make him a target – as though being a grizzled, athletic, middle-aged, take-charge kind of guy won't? Most of these kids probably saw Survivor: Palau (especially Stephenie). They probably know to be on the lookout for that sort of guy, even if he isn't wearing shin guards or getting Gatorade dumped on him. Nevertheless, I look forward to many "close calls" in which Gary says something that might reveal he used to play football: like estimating a little too accurately how many yards lie between him and the finish line of a challenge, or bearing too specific a grudge towards Brent Musburger. Then again, Danni is a sports radio host and wears a shirt that reads "Football Chick" (when it isn't strategically tied up into a delicious, midriff-baring halfsie). There's always the outside chance she'd recognize someone who played in the NFL for almost a decade, even if it was a decade in which she spent more time picking out jellie bracelets to accessorize her legwarmers than she spent watching sports.

Rafe (pronounced "Ralph," as in "Ralph Fiennes") is certainly regarding Gary with a watchful eye, even if he hasn't figured out the football connection. He becomes the first contestant to really get on my nerves, when he interviews that Gary seems to be adopting a leadership role and that's going to make him a target. Yes, because no one should ever express an opinion on Survivor, or they'll be voted off. Shut up, Rafe. We don't need your inflated sense of your own strategic genius. One Shii-Ann is enough – actually, more than enough.

The next day (Jeebus, what a brutal challenge!) the teams emerge from the jungle and race across a lagoon in Survivor's customary giant rowboats. Some clever editing, and a lot of cramping by Bobby Jon, make it seem like Yaxha has a chance to catch up here, but they don't. Saddled with two out of the three old folks from our "Meet the Survivors" tableau, Stephenie's only hope of catching Nakum is to stay close behind and make a strategically timed final push. The final push, if there is one, comes too late, and Nakum gets the cool shelter while Yaxha must row off to some kind of Mayan ghetto to make their camp. Of course, only a few minutes pass before Blake resumes his power-vomiting, all over Nakum's new digs. He's joined in short order by Judd, Jim, and Bobby Jon. It's an Upchuck Family Reunion, as the chorus of their retching echoes through the jungle. Probst says this is the better camp, but I have a feeling the moat of puke surrounding it is going to bring the property values down. Meanwhile, over at their new camp, Yaxha has turned the construction of a thatched-roof lean-to into cause for a pep rally. Maybe this ridiculous display of enthusiasm is just what the team needs: Steph mentions that she's delighted to be on a team that has as much heart as she does. Awww, Steph.

Another day dawns, and that goddamned "tree-mail" moniker is still with us. It announces the immunity challenge, which should be Yaxha's opportunity to move ahead of the weakened Nakum team, but the goal of the challenge is to be the first group to fill a bucket with puke. Drat! Foiled again!

Actually, the challenge is much more complicated than that. As Probst and his Titanic-style computer-animated timeline can tell you, it involves rowing a boat around a buoy, then rowing it back to shore and pulling it up a hill using logs as rollers underneath it the way the Maya would. The show seems to place a lot of emphasis on the dignity and grandeur of the "Maya way," but can I remind people that this civilization is long extinct? Maybe jet skis and hydraulic winches would add their own je ne sais quoi to the proceedings. Anyway, after much straining and mashing of feet under logs (and one loud, unexplained "pop"), Yaxha pulls out the win, which is the first time Stephenie has ever won immunity... ever. So, kind of a neat deal for her.

Nakum retreats to Barf Manor to lay amidst their heavings while Margaret attempts to nurse Bobby Jon out of a seizure with a canteen full of tepid pond water. Judd, Morgan, Brandon, and an impossibly ripped Danni take the opportunity to discuss the night's vote, which is easy for them since they're in no danger of elimination. (As excited as I am to spend all of Survivor: Guatemala picturing Danni naked, she appears to have absolutely no body fat, which will not make for a pretty picture when the malnourishment really starts to kick in a few weeks from now.) Anyone within earshot of Jim is regaled with his colorful yarn about the audible pop made by his biceps muscle when he tore it during the immunity challenge. I'm not saying this is necessarily the only cause of his ouster at TribCon, but when the grandpa stories start flying at Thanksgiving, I always wish they could be squelched by something as simple as snuffing a torch.

The team doesn't have enough energy to play coy with Probst, so they just vote Jim off and head back to camp. Probst calls after them that the key to the game will be pushing themselves to the limit without destroying their bodies, and Jim races back to the TribCon set, panting, "Have you heard about the audible pop?"

Next week on Survivor: I'll be TiVo'ing CSI, so the "scenes from next week" won't get chopped off the end of my recording if the show runs 15 seconds over. (Damn Burnett!)

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