AC — Fri, 8/12/05 3:45pm

Let's star the contestants of Survivor Guatemala (now negro-free!):

Amy (Cop; standing, third from left): Former football player; crazy soccer mom athlete; two cats (a plus!) But she's old, withered and from the look of it, deluded. I predict, the token first to go.

Blake (Model; standing, pink shirt/big head): The token Texas model. Thinks camouflage is a color. Loves the smell of gasoline and loves to kiss. "I am so competitive it's ridiculous. While I am not the kind of person to scheme and backstab, I am less of the kind of person to accept second place." Right.

Brandon (Cowpoke, Kansan; Burnett hat): Likes to mudbog. For those not from the hills, that's riding around in mud puddles in your 4x4. Once climbed a 1,000 foot radio tower for kicks. He'll go far.

Brian (Ivy leaguer #1; male siamese person): One of the too-smart-for-his own good players. I predict that he'll be pegged as a brainiac before they even leave the boat. Can't wait to apply his psychology class background to the game. Apparently wrote papers about the show. Loser.

Brianna (Retail Sales, i.e., Dillards; mascara girl): Favorite color is hot pink (NO WAY!). Is by far the most bland person on the planet. Seriously, reading her bio will make you fall to sleep. She's pretty and that's about all. It remains to be seen if she'll be a loudmouth, but I think she'll be cowed by Cindy. Second most likely to be voted off first.

Brooke (Law student, angel; female siamese person): My pick for the next Colleen. Reads Newsweek. Likes croquet. I'm terrified, though, that she's a Goddie. Went to Pepperdine– not good! But unless she starts preaching, I'll stick with her.

Cindy (Zookeeper; squatting blogger): This one's gonna be good. She will very quickly become the Sapphic lover of Amy, and she's the show's best chance of being the first cannibal. Likes to do yard work. Twin #1. Previously worked as a primate expedition cruise captain, a pet counselor and a coffee house manager. Has applied to the show religiously. Think Sue Hawk, only insane. Owns a million cats (not a plus), a tortoise and a blue-tongued skink. Now THIS is a Survivor contestant!!

(ironically)

Danni (Sports Radio Talk Show Host, former model; far left, standing): Oy. Sure she's a looker, but the over-compensation on the sports-related favorites is telling. But her beauty-queen background gives her away. Still, my second-favorite after Brooke.

Gary (ex-NFL Quarterback; old guy in yellow shirt): Fierce competitor, Goddie. Blech. Gary, meet Brianna.

Jamie (Water Ski Instructor, meathead; squatting superman guy): Likes to huff hay. Twin #2. Has lived in Jacksonville (look out!). Wrestler. Considering an acting career. Believes he has an uncanny ability to read and connect with people. Boring!

Jim (Retired Fire Captain, token old guy; second from left squatting): Spends his time working on his jet turbine sport helicopter, but hasn't finished learning to fly. Whatever. He'll be gone very fast.

Judd (Hotel Doorman, Bolo impersonator; far left, squatting): Twin #3 (hmmmm... this happend last season on Big Brother... I think I know what one of the twists will be!!) Cheesy son of a cheese man. Unlike Jamie, he can not only read but "see through" people. Fine. Whatever.

Lydia (Fishmonger, weirdo; little lady in pink with the floppy hat): 3 cheers for the semi-ethnic person! I bet she's fiery! Can't wait to see her and Brianna go at it. Growl! She and Judd both share a love for Candyland, so let's hope one of them made that their luxury item. When she's not mongering, she's dungeness crabbing! Is obsessed with Survivor. Happily divorced.

Margaret (Family Nurse Practitioner; green shirt sqatting in the center): Likes the famous Italian nougat candy "Terrone," which I'm pretty sure is supposed to be "Toblerone." Has 2 dogs (minus). Freely admits her birth date.

Morgan (Magician's Assistant, model; far right, standing): Most likely to enjoy wearing the buff as a tube top. Can't get enough of that Celestine Prophecy and Cosmo. Was a "prominent" dancer and stage performer in high school. Is proud of her former career at Six Flags. Not only a performer, but a performer with an "entertaining" personality! Believes she'll be useful to her tribe because of her optimism. Her greatest achievement is allowing her parents to live vicariously through her.

Rafe (Ivy leaguer #2; second from left, standing): Obsessed with Alias, loves Mario Kart... Wow. He really IS like Simbo! Mormon. (Never mind). Apparently, his unique childhood had him "spending time painting rocks and taking apart machines." From there, he went on to tutor inner-city kids at age 5. Travels way too much. Wants to be a screenwriter. Goody. Credits his mom for making him "every bit the man he is today." Good for him. Still, least-worst of the guys in my book.

Also joining the cast in some capacity this season, Bobby Jon and Stephanie from Survivor Palau!

"Holly" — Mon, 8/15/05 12:39pm

I am actually really boggled by the whiteness of this cast. With the exception of Semi-Ethnic Lydia, are they honestly asserting that only the caucasian applicants were interesting this time around? They tried their damndest, but they just couldn't get anybody better to apply than a batch of white models / ex-models / aspiring models / etc.?

Bring on the snark.

Joe Mulder — Tue, 8/16/05 9:32am

I read Gary's bit on CBS.com, and, apparently, his big plan is not to reveal to anyone that he played in the NFL. I have to assume that plan would include never telling anybody his last name, because just about any straight guy over 25 would recognize the name "Gary Hogeboom" pretty easily.

Bee Boy — Tue, 8/16/05 10:18am

Uh...

I am now gay. I'll be retracting any statements that seemed to equivocate on the issue of Rick Santorum being Satan. I'm headed to Craigslist now to place ads for a sheep.

Joe Mulder — Tue, 8/16/05 3:24pm

I did say "just about any straight guy."

Bee Boy — Tue, 8/16/05 3:32pm

I should have said "just about any straight guy over 30."

Whew!! I wonder if I can still cancel my subscription to Tapestries and Showtunes Monthly.