Thu, June 23, 2005

One of my favorite parts of movie reviews is running down the trailers that came before. Since I did capsule reviews of the latest movies I've seen, it seemed like a good idea to split the trailers into their own column this time.

Dreamer

Dakota Fanning, Kurt Russell, and David Morse tell the story of a horse trainer who spares a lame racehorse in order to salvage his relationship with his daughter. Very, very sappy trailer. Lots of greens, tans, and cool greys. Seabiscuit, Jr. stuff. But, even though I wouldn't see this movie for all the TiVos in China, I have to give credit to the awesome power of Dakota Fanning: this is the first time I can remember that I've ever welled up at a trailer.

The Perfect Man

I would've thought the Hilary Duff/Lindsay Lohan war was pretty well settled by now. Shouldn't Duff have slunk back to Disney TV to spend another five years in high school and churn out another gummy-pop CD or two? Apparently not. The battle wages on, and Heather Locklear has been drafted. I'm astonished that even teenagers are stupid enough to see value in this.

The New World

I'm not here to bash Terrence Malick. If you like him, you like him. I don't. This is the first trailer I've seen for The New World that had any dialogue in it, and as far as I can tell, the story attempts to assuage the white man's guilt over the genocide of this continent's original inhabitants with one simple point: they started it. Colin Farrell was just walking through the reeds (walking with a smoldering intensity, I might add), and then – BAM! Indians show up and ruin his shit. So, I guess that settles that one.

The Island

I'm still astonished that anyone – even Michael Bay – could get funding for a shot-by-shot remake of Parts: The Clonus Horror. However, I'm starting to think that I'll have to see this film. I can't put my finger on it, but something is drawing me to it. Maybe it's the thought of double Scarlett Johanssons. Who wouldn't want that? The split-screen/twin thing has always been one of my very favorite visual effects. It fuels my abiding love for Lindsay Lohan. (And, oddly, the Olsen twins.)

Fantastic Four

Each time I see another trailer for this movie, I worry more and more. Every summer there's a movie that I really expect to see from the first time I heard about it, and somehow I end up waiting for DVD. I think Fantastic Four may be it this year. Why is so much screen time in the trailer devoted to the origin part of the story? Who cares? This shouldn't even account for more than two minutes of the finished film. Show us the invisible girl. Show us the dude throwing cars. That's what we're here to see.

The Dukes of Hazzard

I was told to expect no visible stars and bars in this trailer, but there they were. This movie is more about the casting than anything else, and will probably be an empty rehash of some references to the old show and a few pratfalls and silly chase scenes. I won't complain if Arksie drags me to it, but if not I'll probably just see it on TV in a year or so. Because Jessica Simpson is adorable, I don't care what anybody says.

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