Thu, February 24, 2005

Survivor. There's no escaping it. Even if one were to stop watching it and only tune in to the superior Amazing Race, the Amazing Race that starts next month features: fucking AmbeRob. I had an awful time trying to enjoy The Amazing Race while writing about it, so I've decided to watch the show I like with friends (Props to my McRace peeps! You know who you are!) and write about the show I hate after watching it alone. We've seen it with Arksie and The Aviator: that sort of disfavor is a recipe for hilarity!

Last time around, they bumped the number of Survivor contestants up to 18, to match the "All-Star" size and the size of the Apprentice pool. This time: twenty! That's a lot of reality show contestants. Thanks to the long-overdue addition of a twist which eliminates two people before the teams are even set up, the first episode ends with 17 people, just like last time. But it really should be 15, as it was in the good old days. I know they get lots and lots of tapes, but somebody in the casting department needs to learn how to say, "We've got enough hot young girls," or, better yet, "We've got enough random, useless old people." Don't forget: Survivor is one of those reality shows that feature all of the contestants in the opening sequence, even after they've been voted off. So, just go ahead and set up your TiVo to start at 8:08.

There are so many contestants that there's very little time for anything else to happen in the first hour. The producers have to try to get a little face time for everyone, so we can see that helpful graphic which displays their name and occupation. In between that, there's time for a quick remmunity challenge – ugh! – and a Tribal Council. And almost nothing else, except for some cool footage of sharks and the "literally millions" of jellyfish that Probst is so hopped up about. (The b-roll nature cameramen have all the fun.) Since all we do is meet the contestants, I figured I'd introduce them to you.

Jenn

(If they put her occupation up on the screen, I missed it; I know it's on the website, but that's not the point.)

Jenn is one of the two main "cute blonde girls" so it's important to point her out. I think she's the less skinny of the two, which means she's the less hot – unless Karen is reading, in which case she's smoking and the other girl looks kind of nauseatingly undernourished. When it was brought to my attention that there would be 20 contestants this time, I turned in shock to the CBS website to confirm that this was true. I was pleased to see that the proportion of old people shrank in relation to the group size, rather than remaining constant, which was nice. I was also glad to see a healthy handful of cute blonde girls, although I noticed that every one of them was from California. One of them was listed under another, midwestern state (Ohio, I think; possibly Iowa), but upon reading further, I noticed that she'd been born in California. Hm.

Bobby Jon

Waiter

We don't see much of Bobby Jon this week – I think just one brief interview. But he's the one in the commercials who says, "I live a very Christian life; that's just who I am," or somesuch. So, with all due respect, he's already on my list.

Ashlee

(No occupation that I noticed)

Ashlee just about makes it through this week without being noticed at all. (Except that she spells her name "Ashlee," which... come on.) Then, at the last possible minute, she responds to Probst's incredibly leading TribCon question about leadership, saying that nobody has stepped forward to really assume a leadership position in the team. What?! That's like Rob or whatever his name was on The Apprentice months ago when I watched it: he was bitching that it wasn't his fault for not making a contribution, it was everyone else's fault for not asking him to make one. Besides, anyone who displays a tendency towards leadership on Survivor is immediately voted out (witness, tonight's TribCon) and it's way too early to make any sense handing power over to anyone. If she could've just kept her mouth shut!

James

Hick Steelworker

James opens the show by calling Probst a "sumbitch" – so he's instantly my favorite. He then goes on to rail against Survivor for not providing some sort of buffet once the contestants reach the island. Clearly he sent his tape to the wrong show. He must have been thinking of Temptation Island, or perhaps Iron Chef. Or maybe someone told him about the concept of "craft services" and he just figures Survivor is like any other movie shoot, like Any Given Sunday or Tootsie.

Jolanda

Lawyer

Jolanda is female and African-American. Three guesses as to whether she's also psychotic. Those wily reality TV producers! They refuse to let us forget that black women are some crazy ass bitches! She wins female individual immunity at the start of the show, then crows to everyone, "I'm Jo-LAN-da! Jo, if you can't say it!" Later on, she can be seen gobbling a grasshopper for no good reason other than to shout, "I just ate my first grasshopper!" She loves attention, and she loves to hear herself talk. Once the teams are made up (Ulong and Koror, because sooner or later Burnett was bound to name the teams after his beloved pets: twin Beluga whales which have been genetically spliced with vampire bats), she hollers to Koror: "News flash! News flash!" and proceeds to boss them around, but I can't be sure about what, because by then I'm too busy yelling at the TV that someone needs to vote her off immediately. Fortunately, they do – but not before she stands up at TribCon and answers Ashlee's call to service by saying she'd be delighted to lead the team. Really?

Jonathan

Sales/Marketing Associate

Jonathan is one of two people (with Stephenie) who jump off the boat early while the others are still rowing, and swim for shore in the race for immunity. This backfires immediately – the others keep rowing, and pass them handily. It's interesting: everyone's individually racing for the immunity necklaces, but for a time they have to race together, rowing in the same boat. The key is to look for that tipping point at which more people are jumping off the boat, and not enough people are left rowing to row it quickly. I think Jonathan and Stephenie were hoping to incite that tipping point, but they didn't create enough momentum. Later, when Jeff and Ian are diving in, something compels the pack to follow. It's kind of fascinating to watch.

Jonathan is blonde and buff, and therefore he's seen as a threat and eliminated quickly. This is a shame for him, because he spends all day helping build a shelter, and then he's unceremoniously ejected almost instantly. And he has to ride back to the mainland with that singing nutjob, Wanda. I was watching closely as he walked to the boat, because I could just imagine he'd step on a stingray or something. Really not his day.

Stephenie

Pharmaceutical Rep

Is it just me, or have we had at least one pharmaceutical rep in each of the last three Survivor series? They're like the new bartender. Except this group is still overrun with bartenders and waiters – and lawyers! (Shouldn't they have something better to do?) Stephenie doesn't exactly win my favor right off the bat: she spells her name with an E where anyone else would put an A, which is the kind of thing that immediately reminds me of Osten, whom I was never very fond of. Later, when the team is chatting about the impending vote, she's among those harping on Jolanda for putting the team behind during the challenge – which is downright false.

At the challenge, teams have a choice in the middle of an obstacle course: they can pick up as many or as few of the reward items (including rice, water bottles, flint to make fire, etc.) and carry them along to the beach; after the canoe race, the winning team gets to keep whatever items they chose to carry. Jolanda is blamed by many for demanding that the team attempt to carry all of the items, which slowed them down because of the untying and the weight – they end up leaving the fire box behind, tangled in the ropes. However, this doesn't really slow them down that much and their performance at the rowing part of the challenge is so ridiculous that the team would've lost the canoe race even with a head start, so it's nothing more than foolish Survivor pack-mentality scapegoating to lay the blame for all of this on Jolanda. The team would've lost anyway, and besides: everyone complains that the team has yet to choose a leader – if there's no leader, then why are they listening to what Jolanda says during the challenge anyway?

Tom

FDNY, Part-Time John Slattery Impersonator (no, I made that one up)

Tom's the "young old guy" – kind of like Leann was last time: mature, but spry and fun and young at heart. He's also the New York Guy, bitching immediately that too many people are doing too many things when the other contestants split up to search for water, build a shelter, etc. Ah, crankiness. Beats multitasking every time! I think Tom's a nice enough guy, but I think it's weird that he starts chatting up Stephenie so early about alliances. Who knows anybody? Who knows what's going to happen? What are they allying for (or against)?

Angie

Bartender

This is cute. In order to get a list without looking at the website (not that I have any problem with the website; I just prefer to get my Survivor info from Survivor), I wrote down the names as they appeared in the opening sequence. Next to Angie, I immediately wrote "(bye!)" – she's got the tattoos and the piercings and the dyed-pink hair. Maybe she's a really nice girl, but she's got that chubby, sullen goth thing going and this is a game about fitting in with the cliques. Just ask Royry. She and Coby immediately bond because they're outsiders (he's the flaming hairstylist), but while Coby is gay and he can't help that's the way God made him, Angie has chosen to be a freak. So, I don't have a whole lot of sympathy when she bawls, "I don't fit in here." I've got nothing against non-conformity, but the giant, colorful butterfly tattoo across the chest and the double nose rings are screaming out "I'm different! Notice me!" – I have no sympathy when that person later feels sad about being different. (And, by the way, I can't wait to see a 78-year-old Angie with that faded, withered butterfly sagging off her collarbones, trying to get her grandkids to take her seriously. Do these people think about the future at all?)

Angie interviews that she was really upset and surprised at being picked last, when the teams were selected by the brilliant new method in which the two individual immunity winners (Ian for boys, Jolanda for girls) select a teammate, then that teammate selects the next, and so on. (It should be done like this from now on! It's perfect, it randomizes the teams nicely, it spreads out the blame for "Why didn't you pick me?" and it eliminates two people right off the bat. Start with 18 instead of 20, and I'm sold!) Really. In order to divide genders among the teams evenly (unlike last time – ugh!), men are selected by women and women are selected by men. Is Angie really that shocked that none of these guys looked over at the assembled girls and thought, "That pudgy, butt-white loner with the metal sticking out of her face – I'll bet she's a hard worker and a strong swimmer!"? Besides, isn't the reason that she got all the tats and piercings in the first place because she was picked last for kickball every day in the fifth grade, and she grew up resenting the cool kids, so she wanted to brand herself as an outsider? I'm not saying they should ostracize her – but can she really be surprised? I think she was counting on Coby picking her because they shared that bond – she's learning almost as quickly as I did that Coby is a self-satisfied, opportunistic little prick, and you can't really take anything he says at face value. (Sadly, this probably means he'll win.)

Ibrehem

Waiter

I think in this case "Waiter" means "Model" like "Student" meant "Actress" for Jenna Lewis. Ibrehem is a fine, fine slice of man – and I don't say things like that often, because I get enough looks as it is, thank you very much. Sadly, he interviews as a bit of a dunce. Not much of him this week, though, so we'll have to wait and see if there's more to him.

Coby

Hairstylist

Coby the flamboyantly homosexual hairdresser is one of those people who get picked for Survivor because they Fit The Profile. His tape automatically lands in the stack next to Sanjeep, the Indian kid who's good at math and Kimmi, the blonde Southern sorority girl who's had everything handed to her. The producers just wanted a dainty little Carson Kressley to parade around the island and butt heads with Bobby Jon – you can tell by the way they juxtapose them in the advertisements. To me, it's cynical, bottom-denominator television. We've already got Sean Hayes perpetuating awful homosexual stereotypes on network TV, and at least he's funny doing it. We don't need any more. (Oh, God. Coby heard me say "juxtapose" and now he's jumped out from behind a tree with his shirt tails tied up around his midriff, singing "Juxt A Pose!" and gesturing like Madonna in the "Vogue" video.)

Also, as soon as everyone's on the island, Coby starts moving from group to group and asking about who likes whom, and who's planning to vote for whom, then planting the idea of voting for Jonathan, who is a threat due to his brawny physicality, but hasn't really done anything wrong other than that – and there are plenty of other jocks around. The excellent part of this is that Coby refers to his performance as "subtle" – whereas a guy with a steno pad and a card tucked in the brim of his hat reading "PRESS" in old-timey writing would be more subtle. Coby might as well be wearing a sandwich board sign that says "I'm trying to influence the game. Have a 'casual' conversation with me."

Janu

Las Vegas "Showgirl" (Does this mean stripper? Hooker? You decide.)

Janu is the first contestant you notice as they're rowing along towards Palau (and, by the way, where exactly are they rowing from?), when Probst trots up on his jaunty little yacht. She's got striking, angular features and a fright wig hairstyle. Later, she'll put her "rock climbing skills" to use shimmying up a palm tree to install a roof joist for the new shelter. She seems like she'd be a good person to have around, and she manages to stay out of the way while Jolanda is strutting around, snapping in the air, and clucking. Good for her.

Willard

Lawyer

Out of the four "older" contestants, Willard is oldest or second-oldest. (Tom and Caryn seem pretty young; it's hard to say exactly where Wanda fits in.) He's definitely the oldest of the final 18. This is all I know about him.

Caryn

Civil Rights Lawyer (and immediate Arksie favorite)

Caryn engages in some early alliance talk with Coby and manages to be his pick over Angie when Koror is teaming up – not entirely sure why. Although it occurs to me, on the initial water trip, when she finds the giant bag of shoes, she immediately calls out to Coby – you know how gays go crazy for shoes and accessories! Somebody get me the Last Comic Standing "Best of Ant" DVD – stat!

Ian

Dolphin Trainer

I like that: dolphin trainer. That's cute. Plus, he can take care of Ulong and Koror while Burnett's away from the beach house. Ian's kind of like Ryan S. ("Skinny Ryan") from the first Survivor that had Rupert on it. I could see him being eliminated quickly. He builds a pretty solid team, though, and they win immunity thanks in large part to his teamwork. I like the way Koror works together – Tom helping haul people over the wall in the obstacle course, Ian steering the canoe while everyone strokes in unison. Good stuff. Ian makes a goofy joke about tying his shirt up when he's talking about all the wardrobe changes that took place once people realized their other clothes weren't coming with them. It'll be interesting to see how he fits into the group.

Wanda

English Teacher

After Probst's little Patton speech from the bridge of his luxury speedboat, everyone is rowing fanatically toward shore, racing against everyone else to get to the two individual immunity necklaces. As they all row, Wanda stands up and starts singing an original Survivor song (allegedly among many) that she's written. It sounds uncannily like Todd Glass's "Attention Song." She refers to Survivor as "one big party." I absolutely detest her. And, besides that, she has absolutely no business being on Survivor – which is pretty readily apparent, and she's eliminated during the kickball pick-off. She sings some more as the boat takes her off the island, reminding everyone why they kept her off their teams. As soon as Probst announced that the teams would be picking themselves and leaving two contestants out, I wrote down that the singing idiot would be among them. Damn right.

Jeff

(I don't know – probably lawyer.)

I'm not sure we actually see Jeff this week. He might be one of the ones talking about Jolanda over at Ulong after the challenge.

Katie

Advertising

When Jonathan and Stephenie jump off the boat (in the early immunity race), Katie interviews that they're crazy because they are making themselves targets. I have no idea why this would be – everyone there is interested in competing, so why should anyone target these two, just for trying to race for the necklaces? Especially since it's such a stupid move – it's not like it ends up being some huge power play. Katie's just obnoxious, one of those people who thinks she knows everything and she'll master the game. I'm not even in the game, and I understand it better than she does.

Also, people are extraordinarily prone toward using the word "target" to describe someone whose behavior might be attracting votes. I noticed Coby and others doing it, too. I wonder if that has anything to do with a certain corporate sponsor?

Gregg

Consultant

Gregg is another one we barely see. (Hm. Maybe 20 freakin' contestants is a few too many.)

Kim

(No idea.)

Kim is the other hot one. The hotter hot one. This is really all she does: she "bes" the hot one. And that's enough.

Tonight, we'll get the remaining 17 of these losers bickering amongst themselves, squealing about rats, and digging around the ocean floor trying to find the box of flint and other firestarting tools they dropped after the remmunity challenge. Plus, Jeff and Kim hook up! Which is just about perfect, considering they're both among the young, attractive pod people I can't distinguish from one another. Ought to make for some very sexy night-vision!

POLL:

With Feeling!

Wanda – particularly Wanda's singing?

	Dumb
	Awesome

© onebee · all rights reserved