Tue, December 7, 2004

live blogging n. - The practice of posting commentary to an online weblog (or "blog") about an event as it happens. (See Wonkette or Average Mulder.)

At a loss for anything else to do with this horrible, horrible season of Survivor, I decided to try my own form of "live blogging" – since I never watch anything live, and in fact didn't watch Thursday's Survivor until the following Monday, I'll have to call it "TiVo blogging." Except this isn't really a blog. Hm. I guess we can't call it anything, then, can we?

8:06:15 - The episode finally gets under way with some new content (I swear to Les Moonves, the "previously on" footage is getting out of control!): night-vision footage of Ami referring to the ejection of Leann as a "really nice move."

8:07:00 - Ami expresses her disappointment with Twila for swearing on family members, and indicates in an interview that she'll never respect Twila again. For lying? In a game? A game, I might add, which is based on strategy and deception? I really don't understand why there are still people who think that trust and respect are the cornerstones of Survivor. It's about strategy and numbers. You have to create situations where it's advantageous for the other people to vote with you, and those advantages will change as the team dynamic shifts and the numbers dwindle. If you base a single decision on trust or respect, you might as well just lay down your torch and go home.

8:08:48 - Scout and Twila are immensely pleased with themselves. My dears: luck, numbers, and unintelligent game play by others is not the same thing as you two being Survivor masterminds.

Meanwhile, Julie stays perfectly quiet. Nice move. Stay out of the fray, and save yourself. Julie's the only one that's had a strong strategic mind (and, yes, a naked ass) from the beginning. I still want her to win.

8:10:07 - Jeff drives up in a Pontiac, and Burnett has hired a voiceover actor to imitate one of the remaining players so that it sounds to the home viewer as though someone says "That's a nice car." Pontiac! Always pushing the envelope! These are the same people who bring you that little snippet in the last commercial break before TribCon, in which CBS/Burnett celebrate their favorite moment of their own show. Those egotistical bastards! (Plus, this really fucks with the fast-forwarding TiVo viewer; I can't tell you how many times I've mistaken it for actual footage and hit "play," only to be treated to more hillbilly oration from Twila that I've already heard.)

The winner of the reward challenge will get this car (or one like it). The second- and third-place finishers will join him/her on an overnight trip to a resort.

8:11:14 - Probst begins explaining the challenge, in which competitors will swim to some outriggers, balance beams, and platforms which are lashed together, race across them (á la Insomnia), dive for flags, swim them back to shore, and then repeat, and repeat.

8:31:05 - Probst completes the explanation of the challenge.

(No, only kidding.)

8:12:51 - Ami, hated by all, proves that she is a strong competitor, leading the pack. Chris, meanwhile, belly flops into the water on his first dive off the platform. What is it with reality show contestants and diving?

8:14:38 - Ami, struggling to maintain her lead over a closing Eliza, whips out the Monica Seles grunts. Oh, yeah. I'm really starting to hate her now.

8:15:16 - Quizically, Chad and Julie pause to chat about who wants the reward more, before diving for their final flag. (Eliza and Ami have already secured the first- and second-place slots.) Strategically, Julie needs the alone time with Eliza to help Ami convince her that she should turn against Chris, Scout, or Twila. Chris needs Julie not to have it.

8:15:33 - Chris shows that his balance beam skills have improved a little bit since Day 1.

8:15:39 - Or not.

8:15:57 - Julie appears to give up. Chris wins the third slot.

8:16:45 - Everyone piles into the car to head off to the resort. "Get your filthy shoes off my upholstery!" hollers Eliza.

8:19:27 - CBS, apparently still feeling themselves in the dog house over the Janet Jackson thing, are overpromoting the Frosty the Snowman animated specials like it's the Second Coming. "We're still a family network! (SOBS) Dammit, let us show your kids a good time! (FALLS TO KNEES) Please! We love you! (FLAILING WITH FRUSTRATION) And would it kill you to watch an episode of Listen Up? We set up a sign-up sheet. You could do it in shifts."

8:20:12 - Eliza surprises me by remembering how to drive after starving in the sun for three weeks.

8:21:14 - Ami wastes no time pulling Eliza aside and promising "from the bottom of [her] heart" that she wants Eliza around and has fought to keep Eliza around. So, it turns out insincerity is totally fair game as long as you don't incorporate the name of a family member.

8:22:30 - Scout and Twila are back at camp whining about the challenges. Scout wishes that they'd have more challenges designed for old people, because she's frustrated that she keeps not winning the physical challenges. Yeah, maybe they'll have a shuffleboard challenge or something to give the codgers an advantage.

8:23:47 - Twila and Scout continue to bitch. Julie remains absolutely quiet. Say what you will about her; if nothing else, I haven't lost all respect for her. It's hard to hate someone who's staying this silent.

8:25:35 - After being left alone by Ami (her attempt at a check-raise; she thinks if she walks away, it evidences her confidence in the case for eliminating Scout or Twila, and Chris and Eliza will give the idea more consideration), Chris and Eliza discuss the possibility of altering their nascent alliance. I'm all for this – the Chris, Eliza, Twila, Scout alliance was one of convenience in a sticky jam, anyway – and I certainly detest Scout, but I have to agree with Chris: you stick with things that are working. Look what happened when Leann tried to rock the boat. (Also, he makes a good point. It's a pretty strong position to be in the final four with "a sixty year old woman and Twila.")

8:26:34 - In bed, Ami tells Eliza that she defended her in countless Tribal Council situations where she was proposed as a candidate for elimination. (I believe "50 million times" is Ami's figure. I knew this season seemed long!) Eliza stays mum, thinking "Yeah, except this last one!"

8:31:02 - Returning from commercial, Twila interviews that... well, I don't know. It's just unintelligible gibberish. Since when is Darrah the dialogue editor on this show?

8:32:40 - Scout refers to Ami as a "control freak." In related news, pots and kettles (and musical wunderkind Seal) still possess significantly indistinguishable levels of blackness.

Don't get me wrong, I'm no cheerleader for Ami. I think she's played a relatively strong game, then squandered that progress with some pretty significant screw-ups in the last couple of episodes. And I think she's choosing a very snotty, petulant way to respond to her sudden (and entirely predictable, and entirely avoidable) loss of power. I'm not interested in seeing her win. But I think Scout has played a lazier, more emotional game, and I think she's more deceptive and annoying as a person. And she's definitely a control freak. She's constantly trying to wrangle control of the group – brokering non-stop all last week and the week before – and now that she finally seems to have it, she's gloating in an unbecoming fashion.

8:33:07 - Scout touches a blanket. Ami calls out from across the beach, "Get your own damn blanket! That's ours!" Listen, I never said I liked Ami. Scout's just not much better.

8:34:28 - Probst, officiating the immunity challenge, asks Ami to return the immunity necklace. Ami pretends it's stuck and she can't get it off. I think this is funny. I'm sorry, it just is.

8:35:19 - What do you know! It's Archipelago Shuffleboard. Looks like they're finally rigging some challenges to suit the old people. Now, Scout's going to do great at this, right?

8:35:20 - Scout sucks at this.

8:36:49 - Julie executes an awesome bank shot, and drops her puck into one of the grooves on the board which guarantee that nobody else can knock your puck off an island.

8:36:59 - Suddenly everyone's trying to use the bank shot. Johnny-come-latelies.

8:39:51 - Chris wins immunity. So much for challenges that suit old people. Twila and Scout make an overlarge show of support when Ami fails to unseat him for the win.

8:39:53 - Julie remains perfectly quiet. God, I love her.

8:46:17 - The final campaign for votes is underway, and once again everyone is gripped by tie-phobia. Damn that Pascal! Ever since he pulled a purple rock out of a bag, it's all anyone can think about! I thought the tie-breaker protocol changed every season anyway.

8:46:50 - Julie and Eliza chat while Ami gathers oysters or something. They speculate that being alone together is probably freaking Twila out. (It is.) (And, good for them. Twila needs to chill.)

8:48:37 - Eliza interviews that she's kind of a swing vote and she's not afraid to change things with regard to her alliance. Good, because it was just an emergency thing anyway! It was never meant to last. She's right to realize that she's low on the list for Scout and Twila, who are peas in a pod. What she needs to realize (and it's hard to say whether she does yet) is that she needs to get rid of Chris. Chris wants to be in a final three with Scout and Twila because they're weak and old so he feels confident about winning immunity and getting to the final two. In a Scout, Twila, Chris, Eliza final four, he'll quickly vote with them to eliminate Eliza. They've never liked her, and she's his only physical threat. Maybe she'll win immunity that week – she has done well on immunity challenges so far – and eliminate him instead, but why hang her whole future on one immunity? What if it's a burping contest? She should band with Julie and get rid of Chris – then it's anybody's game in the final four, and they've got a great advantage over Decrepit McOldypants and Oldy McBitchypants.

8:48:55 - Leann shows up for the TribCon jury looking fantastic.

8:50:35 - Ami asserts that one shouldn't "flat out lie" in Survivor. Really? It's kind of a game built on lying. If everyone played with their cards face up, it would hardly be a challenge. Fortunately, Twila calls her on this: "Grow up, get on with it, you've been had. Screw you!" Nicely put. Before this week, I didn't dislike Ami too much, and now I hate her quite a bit. Most of that is attributable to having a very poor response to losing power in a game in which power shifts constantly and inevitably.

8:51:16 - Grilled by Probst about Ami's mock outrage over Twila swearing on her son, Eliza says the diplomatic (and, in my view, corrrect) thing: that Ami took that promise to mean a great deal, and if she genuinely feels betrayed by that, then it's natural to have a response when she finds out Twila betrayed that trust. I don't believe Ami did genuinely feel betrayed, she's just mad she's not in charge. But Eliza's point stands.

8:51:37 - Eliza and Ami will miss each other a lot. I believe that.

8:53:20 - Ami votes for Scout, and manages to work in a gay reference.

8:53:44 - Scout votes for Ami, and manages to work in a lightning reference.

8:55:14 - Eliminated, Ami mutters, "Good luck all you young'uns," as she departs. It's a nice dig at Scout and Twila. I like it.

8:58:39 - In her departing words, Ami invokes the concept of integrity in Survivor. God, what a hateful bitch.

But the real fun this week is on The Amazing Race, which continues to out-reality, out-television, and out-phenomenon Survivor every week. (It's also on two days earlier. Bonus!)

This week begins as last week ended: with penalties. Just as Freddy & Kendra (Go, New Christie!) were forced to wait a while as punishment for picking up someone else's clue, MJ & Don are forced to pause as punishment for picking up someone else's car. Teams race off to the train station, only to realize that it doesn't open for a few hours. Hurry to the bunching! Bunching for all!

They ride a train. They ride a bus. They get to Stockholm and search for an ice bar, just like the one in Die Another Day. Constructed completely out of ice and kept at a chilly 23 degrees. While most teams dash straight to the right hotel, Gus & Hera wander around in the streets for a while. Gus is from the CIA, and at Langley they taught him never to be too obvious. Wander aimlessly, pant heavily, ask for directions. It'll throw them off your tracks. (If you don't know who "them" are, you're probably a Communist.) (According to Dubya, "'Them' is 'you.'")

In the ice bar, teams must slide an ice shot glass across the ice bar and hit a pink target. If the glass ends up over the target, they get their next clue. More shuffleboard! This time, the resident old people fare much better. MJ & Don hit the target on their second try and bust out of there, wooting and pumping their fists. "Yaaahhhh!!!!!" Don wails, jumping into the air and kicking his feet. "Suck on that, bitch!" (No, he doesn't. He's old. He just staggers out of the bar, tosses his parka, and gerns his way back to the car.)

Gus & Hera finally walk into the ice bar, and join the line of contestants waiting for another shot at the challenge. Gus acts aloof, but you can see it in his eyes. "I remember this ice bar. I killed a guy here in 1967 with a poison-tipped swizzle stick."

The next clue leads teams to the largest IKEA in the world. One team (possibly Freddy & Kendra, or Hayden & Aaron – I forgot to write it down, but I'm pretty sure it's one of the teams I love) says to their cabbie: "Take us to IKEA." Careful there. That's like saying "Take us to Starbucks" in Seattle, or "Take us to a bad, overpriced Mexican restaurant" in LA. Your clue is waiting at a specific IKEA.

But they make it and all the teams must bunch again at the front of the store and wait for it to open. Once it does, they rush inside, looking for their clue box. Looking for something in a regular-sized IKEA is hell, so I can only imagine the ordeal. One woman says, "look high and low you guys," revealing the delirium that's set in over the harrowing search. Aren't those clue boxes a pretty consistent four-and-a-half feet off the ground all the time?

The Detour (choice! tasks! pros! cons!) is between counting 2304 pots, pans, and beanie babies, or building a desk. Some people actually choose the counting! Besides the fact that this would take forever, fixing it will take even more time, whereas fixing a desk if you have it wrong could be as simple as switching a few screws. What's more, it's a task with a hard, final answer. You get 2303, you're starting over. Judging whether a desk is "built" is more subjective. If it holds together and looks good, you're on your way.

Four of the first five teams to finish build desks, by the way. So it's not like I'm making this up. After that, two of the remaining four teams eventually end up abandoning the counting and building desks. The counting is just agonizing. My favorite part is Lori and Bolo arguing. Him: "I told you to remember the number!" Her: "No you didn't!" Well, couldn't she remember it anyway? Just in case? I mean, it might be important. It is a counting challenge, after all.

I keep waiting for someone to say "2304?" to the supervisor and get a clue, then shout out "Yes! I'm so glad we said 2304!" then all the others immediately drop what they're doing and besiege the supervisors. "2304!" "2304!" (Adam: "2407!") But it doesn't happen.

At one point, Jonathan & Victoria are bickering (shock!) as they build their desk. She asks him to line up the pegs, and he screams, "Stop with the pegs!" The great part is Aaron, barely looking up from the desk he and his unbelievably hot girlfriend are assembling, calling out, "Don't yell," as if he's a mom whose kids are playing in the other room. He's got this perfect tsk-tsk tone of voice.

Sweaty, disheveled, miserable, Don looks more and more like Jack Lemmon in Glengarry Glen Ross. Finally, he and MJ gather their wits and build the damn desk so their supervisor can take old-people pity on him and call it good even if it isn't perfect. And they're off!

I really enjoy watching Gus & Hera move from challenge to challenge. He's so weary! Every time he has to run more than 15 paces, you can tell he's so tempted to bite down on that cyanide capsule.

Teams have to get back to the train station, ride it to some tandem bicycles, and ride those to a hay field. In the taxi, Jonathan & Victoria treat us to this hilarious exchange:

Jonathan (to a seemingly silent Victoria): WILL YOU JUST LET ME TALK!!?!

Victoria: We've gotta go here.

Jonathan: We ARE here!

Victoria: No, we've gotta go there.

Jonathan: WE ARE THERE!!!!

(Taxi driver orders them both out of the cab; Jonathan's face explodes.)

No, not that last part, but seriously. This guy is way unhinged. He doesn't even make any sense. Sadly, we have videotape of myself at age twelve throwing very similar tantrums. Still, I never treated my wife that way!

The Roadblock consists of unrolling giant bales of hay to find a clue buried inside. There are 270 bales and only 20 clues. (As the old "finding a sock in the dark" riddle goes, this means the minimum number of bales you'd have to search in order to guarantee you found a clue would be 251.) The cutesy little clue they offer before teams are forced to make their irrevocable decision for who's doing the Roadblock is "Who's got hay fever?" This is not a cutesy little clue you want to take literally.

Also notable, the Roadblock clue/decision area is within sight of the task. Once the first two teams show up and start unrolling, all the other teams have the advantage of being able to look at the task before deciding. This doesn't happen every week; I find it kind of weird.

The rest of the episode plays out pretty much as expected, except that Lena spends more than eight hours unbaling hay and never finds a clue. (Phil's estimate at the time he arrives to disqualify Lena & Kristy is "over a hundred" bales, which is still less than the two-hundred-odd she'd need to search. There are fewer bales to search once everyone else has tried a few, but also only twelve clues left.) Poor girl. She really suffered through it, and she was the delicate one who didn't like sleeping outside or wearing sneakers.

Next week, Adam & Rebecca struggle in vain to unseat Jonathan & Victoria as the most frighteningly self-destructive couple, and Don expresses his undying love for MJ, which is Amazing Race editor code for "They go home."

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