Thu, December 2, 2004

If we've learned anything from Survivor, it's that anything can happen. The corollary of which is, you don't go around rocking the boat when things are going smoothly, because... anything can happen! People playing this game tend to be a bit unpredictable, especially when you stab them in the back.

Another thing we've learned is that there are three conditions under which it's not very smart to make an unpopular move: 1) if you're alliance isn't rock-solid; 2) if the number of players is dwindling; 3) there are an odd number of players in the game. We've learned this, but clearly Leann has not. Hard to be surprised, really. She didn't learn to swim, or participate in challenges, or strategize at all. She just kind of attached herself to Ami and did pretty well at it. I liked her quite a bit: she seemed smart and nice. But now it's impossible to deny that she was little more than an older Amber. And we've seen how that works: controlling for Amber's behavior, we've run the experiment twice. Once with an older, bossy woman; once with a stupid, horny guy.

Leann should've found herself a stupid, horny guy.

As it is, she manages to get herself voted off the island in a pretty moronic turn of events. Returning from TribCon, Chris wastes no time pointing fingers at Scout and Twila, attempting to put anyone else in the hot seat but himself. But Scout and Twila voted for Chad, too, so everyone pretty much knows that he's making a desperation play. And it's all he can do. Good for him. But he's clearly next to go, and if he wins immunity, it'll be Scout for trying to split up the alliance.

Then people start asking around, and Twila, who is really the most innocent – all she did was try to figure out what was going on and decide what to do, and she ended up voting for Chad – seems to take the brunt of the suspicion. I think it's because Scout pulls a Schindler's List and implicates the absent Chad as the instigator of the anti-Eliza move, while Twila is honest and implicates Scout. Nobody can check with Chad to confirm what Scout said, but they can check with Scout to confirm what Twila said, and she denies it. (I'm not saying it makes sense, but these are Survivor players we're talking about.)

The point is, if you're Leann, you're fine. You let Chris go home, and then you take your chances with the final six. There's a pretty tight Leann/Ami alliance and a pretty tight Twila/Scout alliance, and Julie and Eliza are up in the air, but seem to be leaning towards Leann and Ami. Things are looking good through both of the family-member challenges and all the hugging and wailing. (It all reminds me of an uglier, grimier opening sequence to Love Actually, but Probst – showing us what kind of mastermind actually needs an easier job after hosting Rock-N-Roll Jeopardy! – refers to it as "a strange cacophony of emotion.") Then, suddenly, the newly solo Iguana of Foreshadowing strikes without warning, and leads us to this:

Everybody's sitting around talking about how Chris will be voted out next, and Leann blurts out: "I think Chris deserves to stay. We should get rid of Eliza next." First of all, why is Eliza the whipping boy whenever anyone wants to vote for a woman? What about Twila, whom everyone suspects? Or Scout, who is a vile, hateful, manipulative bitch and who – by the way – tried to split up your alliance? It seems bizarrely timed and arbitrary.

Ami: There's been a growing sense that Ami's running the show, so she's smart to lean back and not challenge Leann on this, even though it's probably not a move she'd have dreamed up on her own. She interviews later, "We just really hope it doesn't mess us up in the long run and [Chris] wins immunity the next couple of times." Of course, rather than hoping, the smarter thing would be to eliminate the threat. He came damn close to winning immunity this week, and next week he won't have his fiancée dragging him down. The smart move is to operate on definites rather than hopes and dreams, but I can see the diplomatic value, going forward, in not challenging Leann.

Leann: What the fuck is she thinking? This is the kind of ploy to try when there are eight people, and everyone is terrified of a tie because of that one time that someone had to pick a purple rock out of a bag. In those cases, fearful voters will scurry to the security of their established alliances (see last week). When there are seven people, it's a damn bad time to try to dislodge part of your alliance and cling to your sub-alliance.

Also, earlier, in conversation with Scout, she and Ami give Scout specifics about the final four they want, and it excludes either Scout or Twila. They actually pull the, "we never promised you final four" line which I would say is a supremely stupid move and a horrible way to make your sub-alliance evident to people whom you still depend upon in your larger alliance. I would say that, but it worked out fine for AmbeRob, so clearly I have no idea what I'm talking about.

Julie: Runs straight to Chris and tells him about the new plan. Doesn't work out too well for her. However, I'm betting that the Scout/Twila/Chris/Eliza alliance won't last. It makes a more interesting (albeit more motley) final four than Ami/Leann/Julie/Eliza, but Chris and Julie are clearly very close, and Julie is a very strong player. I'm not counting her out yet. I really hope she does something clever and wins it. It's not her fault that her alliance got really stupid at a critical point.

Twila: Whether she realized it or not, I was exactly right about why it was a good idea for her to keep Eliza around last week. Now, people are taking shots at Eliza and there are still enough people around to team up with Eliza and take out the big bosses. Through strategy or dumb luck, Twila's done quite well for herself lately.

Scout: I hate her. I know I called her cute at the beginning, but she's just despicable. I can't stand how smug and disruptive she is and I can't stand the way she goes after Eliza all the time. I'm not that protective of Eliza, but it's sour grapes and lousy strategy: I hate when people play this game emotionally.

Chris (later, once Julie tells him what's up): I don't feel like he's played a particularly smart game up to this point. His alliances have always fallen. He's only here now because he's the most affable out of Royry, Lea, Chad, and himself. But he sure knows a good thing when he sees it. He pounces on this perfect opportunity and does quite well.

Eliza (even later, once Chris approaches her): Eliza has two options. She can go with Chris and Scout and Twila, or she can hurry back to Ami and tell her what Chris is trying to do. In the latter case, I'm pretty sure Ami, Leann, and Julie would vote for Chris with her. I'm not sure why she chooses Chris, but I'm betting it's because she's gotten so many votes over time, and she realizes that her position in the other foursome isn't very secure. It could also be that she's thinking about the jury. If she and Chris, Scout, or Twila are the final two, there's a good chance that Ami, Leann, and Julie will still vote for her because of the early "sorority girl" bonding and because the only move she made against them was one of necessity. I wish she'd chosen the other way, because I like that final four better, but I agree with her choice strategically.

So, Leann goes, and she and Ami are shocked (shocked!) to find out that there are consequences for being randomly stupid. She says, in closing, "I feel like the world's biggest idiot." Which is about right.

But what's really fun this week is The Amazing Race. Adam & Rebecca swerve into some really bizarre bickering, Jonathan & Victoria shift into overdrive with the screaming matches, and Meredith & Maria fail to get into gear at all.

Kris & Jon are clearly the team to watch. They came in first last time and we saw very little footage of them, which tells me they're probably getting along pretty well. I think there may be an advantage to being a long-distance couple, because they can see this as an adventure of togetherness, and they're not used to being together so they haven't built up a bunch of little ways to get on each other's nerves.

The teams head to Oslo, and I'm really excited to hear Kristi & Lena say "four tickets" to their ticket agent at the airport, because usually the show forces people to pretend it's really two, even though teams must travel with their camera and sound guys. A little reality is never a bad thing in reality television. John & Victoria continue to be just terrible to each other, and it would be almost uncomfortable to watch if it weren't so spellbinding. People can really be like this? As awful as he is, she's pretty bad, too. She's constantly panicking and whining at him in a sustained, high-pitched wail. They do master one important trick, though: watch the cameramen. When they're looking for their marked car at the airport, elderly Amazing Race stowaways MJ & Don try to keep them in the dark by ducking behind a parking structure wall, but Victoria spots MJ & Don's camera man (who has declined to duck), and they're on their way!

Meanwhile, Maria can't drive a stick shift. How is this not on the Amazing Race application?

Most of the teams get to the first Roadblock of the race, which is an icy zip line. Phil indicates that for the first time, there will be a restriction that one team member may complete no more than six Roadblocks, meaning a more equal distribution of tasks. I wish they'd had this for the last race, because: goodbye, Chip & Kim! C&C would've trounced them, because Kim never did anything. Anyway, it's a smart change to the rules, and hopefully teams will understand that their girls should henceforth volunteer for tasks that are scary perhaps, but not particularly hard, just in case anything tough comes up later. (And I say "girl" with the full understanding that sometimes a team's girl will be a male. Gus, for example.)

Maria still can't drive. She's not even getting the hang of it! Why doesn't Meredith give it a try? Is there some rule that you can't switch drivers?

Adam clearly has a problem with heights, because as soon as he takes a look down the zip line he says, "Tell my mom I love her." (Rebecca, on this trip because she's considering dating this guy again: "Yeah... thanks.") All the way down the line, he screams "I love you, Mom!" Last week we learned that he still lives at home. I think there's a story there.

When MJ & Don arrive at the Roadblock, he opts to do it even though it sounds like they've heeded my advice and agreed to give tasks like this one to MJ. She gives him a hard time about it, but he says she wouldn't have been able to climb all the stairs. I thought they were in the best physical shape of their lives? Contrast this with Hayden & Aaron: looking up at the zip line as they tear open the clue, Hayden does a little subtle Roadblock point at Aaron. It reminds me of Nikki. They'd rip open a Roadblock clue, read the little hint, and then she'd sort of look at Brandon until he said, "I'll do it." Hayden gestures towards Aaron, and after a beat he says: "I'll do it." I hope she's really good at eating gross stuff!

After the zip line, teams make their way to a Viking village for the night, and Jonathan continues to win America's heart by berating Victoria over nothing. Bons mots like "You need to look inside yourself and do something different!" and "I am so proud of myself!" roll off his tongue, while Lena & Kristy look on in stunned amazement. Victoria continues to not punch him in the face, leave him, and walk off the show.

In the morning, teams experience a new flavor of bunching in which they bunch into two distinct groups. Bi-bunching! The teams are expected to divide themselves in two to row two Viking ships across a lake. For some reason, they divide themselves entirely unevenly, into a strong group and a group that contains old people and girls. No democracy there, I'm guessing: all the strong, young kids just got together and said, "See ya!" Don (old person) describes it thusly: "We had the worst rowing crew in the history of rowing." Clearly he needs to check in with Probst and his tape library of the world's worst rowing. During this race, Rebecca suggests that Adam remove his sunglasses so it'll be easier for him to see to row. He says he won't, but slow-motion footage indicates that he ends up doing it anyway. And clearly he forgets to pick them back up from the floor of the boat, because moments later in the car, he doesn't have them, and he blames her. "If you ever tell me to take glasses off again, I'm never going to talk to you for the rest of my life." Yeah, that kid's stable. (By the way, can't he buy a cheap $10 pair of shades along the way, if they're so crucial?)

Speaking of "in the car," the teams are driving marked cars to the next clue again. Which means Maria is grinding down the gears and lurching around. Volkswagen is getting back some Touaregs with some seriously tortured transmissions.

The Detour is Endurance or Accuracy. Endurance is some tough rollerskiing, which is like rollerblading except the wheels are mounted on the ends of long, flat planks about half the length of normal skis. It starts to rain and this is largely a downhill course: I can see how someone with no rollerblading or skiing experience would have a really tough time with this. Aaron does, executing some spectacular wipeouts. He seems to be channeling Michael Richards. Giddyup!

Most teams choose Accuracy, which is a set of three traditional Viking games. In the first game, you throw a stick to knock over some other sticks that are balanced upright. The key is that the other sticks are balanced around a taller stick which must be knocked over last. Then it's an axe throw and a bow and arrow. When Bolo leans toward this one, Lori utters the memorable caveat: "But accuracy's... you gotta be accurate." They do the rollerski. Adam & Rebecca switch back and forth so many times, I forget which one they do. Freddy & Kendra (New Christie! Go, New Christie!) do Accuracy. At first, he's bitching about how the bowling exercise is the "biggest waste of time I've ever seen," (dude, check out The Polar Express) but then he hits the axe throw on his first try. ("My axe... is not broken!") He and Kendra rush to the pit stop, where Phil informs them that they must hang out for 30 minutes as a penalty for picking up more than one of the same clue. (Early on, Kendra dropped a clue on the ground, so they retrieved another one and headed out.) This is why you've got to watch the cameramen, people. There were a couple of nice closeups of that clue sitting on the ground, just like the closeups of the Bowling Moms' bag back at that water park. If you've misplaced something, hang back and wait for the cameraman to do the Amazing Race Obvious Zoom to it, and then just go pick it up. The hardest part of their little visit to purgatory has to be the part where Don & MJ show up. Watching the old people drag themselves across the finish line ahead of you on a technicality has to burn. Fortunately, F&K are not delayed so long that they're eliminated entirely. That honor goes to M&M, who were seriously hampered by that whole manual shift thing. When Phil gives them the bad news, they say, "We figured," which is infinitely better than KamiKarli's, "We know. We know."

Also on the pit stop mat: Jonathan swaggers in with a smug, "What's up, Phil?" Hey, look! Phil's just got his own hate-bot! And, Lori gets excited when Phil tells her she and Bolo came in fifth. "That's better than six," she hollers, shaking him by his lapels. Phil reacts with a genuine look of shock and terror. He's a globetrotting adventurer who jumps out of airplanes, and he's literally never been more scared for his life.

Ladies, do not touch the Phil. Admittedly, this is not as bad as all the Mirna hugs, but still – he shouldn't have to go through this.

Next week: Beanie Babies reduce old people and pro wrestlers to quivering blobs of remorse.

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