Mon, November 29, 2004

I know I've repeated it to the point of tedium, but I have so much fun pretending that anyone cares when the Survivor rants are posted and anyone's week feels incomplete until they've seen the latest episode through my eyes. Indulge me. (I mean, besides the fact that reading a website like this one is – in and of itself – the most colossal indulgence of the runaway ego of its creator.)

Two Wednesdays ago, my parents arrived here in LA on their way home from a week and a half in Hawaii – a sort of second honeymoon. Three days later, I flew with them back to Florida to spend the Thanksgiving week. Because there were episodes of Lost and Desperate Housewives and Arrested Development to catch up on (not to mention The Incredibles!), we didn't get around to watching Survivor off TiVo during their brief visit. Nor did I have a chance to introduce them to Huff and possibly lure more HBO subscribers over the fence. So, around midnight on Friday night – six hours before we were due at LAX – I recorded Thursday's Survivor to VHS (ew!) so I could take my homework on the road with me. The plan was to watch it by the end of the weekend and stay on schedule. The plan failed. It ends up being a lot harder to pull the laptop out than you might think. But, considering I watched National Treasure and The Polar Express, read Sammy's Hill and The Da Vinci Code, and played countless hours of Jenga, four-square, and paddle ball, I'm kind of impressed that I managed to write anything last week.

So, that's my story. It's Sunday afternoon now, and after a five-hour delay on the ground in Atlanta, I finally staggered home in the wee hours of this morning. Once awake, I spent a few hours catching up on the dreamy eyes, sly smile, and adorably asymmetrical jawbone of Veronica Mars. It's a marathon I started two weeks ago, and now I'm all caught up and ready for Tuesday! (Now, I just have to do the same with Gilmore Girls, a season I haven't even glimpsed a moment of. And then, Alias... oh my!) Having gotten that out of the way, I've finally had a chance to transcribe all the notes... so let's take a look at the Survivor that was! (Or, the Survivor that was over a week ago!)

***

Billed as the episode in which the men finally wrest power away from the female alliance (what episode hasn't been billed that way?), this week begins much as they all do: with night-vision footage of the return from TribCon. This time, Chris – who voted with the women to eject Lea in a 7-2 vote that tasted decidedly unlike gold – is owning up to his vote. Which makes sense: the only value in voting with the women is in publicizing it as much as possible and convincing them that you're on their side and worthy of their trust. But wait – what's he doing? He's telling everyone that Lea pulled him aside right before the vote and asked for his vote. (In case you're confused, Lea is more commonly known to the contestants as "Sarge" – I suppose in an effort to avoid confusing him in their minds with Lea Thompson, star of Caroline in the City and mother of Marty McFly. I don't go in for those sorts of shenanigans, so to me he's "Lea.") Leaving aside how preposterous it is that Lea would do such a thing – especially only including Chris – this solidly defeats the purpose of voting with the women. You can't try to play allegiance with them if you tell everyone you did it for Lea and not for them. What a giant dope.

This week's reward challenge is one of those where they separate the remaining contestants into two teams, pit them against one another, then separate them for the night. The reward itself is immaterial: what's important is that they're divided up so they can start stabbing each other in the back. In a challenge that makes far too frequent use of the term "sacrificial lamb," Julie and Eliza are bound at the wrists, attached to a rope, and then forced through a series of puzzles by the other three members of their respective teams. It's basically the "shoving cuties through holes" challenge. Probst narrates this incessantly, and the teams are polite enough to dig out around the lipstick-cam for the part of the race in which they must dig under a log and push the "lamb" through. Chad gets a bit cavalier, yanking Eliza's legs through a part of the course when she becomes entangled in rope, but I can see what he's thinking: "Legs! These are just in the way. You don't need 'em!" In the end, his brusqueness pays off: he and Chris and Ami join Eliza on the reward journey to a nearby island where they experience some native rituals and Kava tea. The face-numbing Kava tea affects Chad more than the others, which makes some sense: he's got a few thousand miles less bloodstream in which the chemical can dissipate. Ultimately, very little scheming among this group; the entire segment is devoted to more lackluster "Survivor Travelogue," which is just a lame attempt to compete with The Amazing Race which actually manages to be educational and interesting while also being a lot more compelling to watch. Back on the island, however, the scheming is under way. Scout is ready to get rid of Eliza, and has been for some time. Me, I kind of like Eliza, even though I admit she contributes rather little to the team.

In the guest bathroom at the front of my parents' house, there's a little hanger which holds a hand towel. Not too long ago, this towel was replaced with a new, larger towel which sports a new design. This design just happens to be a series of vertical stripes of varying width in different shades of green and purple, on a cream-colored background. Sage, celery, eggplant, mauve. It looks exactly like the pattern on Eliza's bikini. So now, whenever I'm in the guest bathroom of my parent's house, I'm thinking about Eliza's boobs. (Which differs from the rest of my day in that I'm in the guest bathroom at the time.) Anyway, just a little tidbit from my trip home – maybe it helps explain why I've softened to her a little bit, even if it does look like someone's trying to push Pam Dawber's skull through the back of her face.

Scout, lacking an opportunity to take a good look at this towel, is not as impressed. She wants Eliza gone, and sees the miserable, rainy night alone as the perfect opportunity to conspire against her. She approaches Twila about allying with Chris and Chad to get rid of Eliza because she feels insecure about her position in the alliance of six women. Not a bad idea, but the problem is, you'd better be damn sure it works. Otherwise, you just create a lot of conflict and secure yourself that sixth place slot. Her rationale for approaching the men includes the biggest reason for not doing it: the men have no choice. As Scout says, they'll vote for Eliza because it's Eliza next or them next. But that's the problem. They're inherently untrustworthy if their decision is essentially already made for them. Sure, they'll do anything to survive another Tribal Council, but after that they'll be completely unpredictable. Why hand them a free pass when you could just be done with them and work out the rest of the situation going forward from that point? I continue to believe that picking off the men one by one is the best strategy for any woman on the island. Any woman who is on the jury in advance of Chad and Chris will be hostile and unpredictable in the final vote. What's more, with six women remaining, there's plenty of opportunity for alliance-shuffling once the group is down to six. Anyway, Scout does it her way. Twila seems intrigued. The men are, predictably, enthusiastic.

The reward group returns from their jolly holiday in one piece, and Ami immediately senses the turmoil back at camp. Chris and Chad get a sense, too, being approached by Scout to sign onto this new alliance. Chad is mostly just glad to be alive. He spend his entire time among the natives being chased with spears while they shouted "Devil!", "Mechanical man!", and "Superhuman cybernetic hybrid!!"

Right before the immunity challenge, the giant boa constrictor of foreshadowing is joined by the plucky young iguana of foreshadowing. My best guess: the Foreshadowing Snake is three days away from retirement, and he's showing the Foreshadowing Iguana the ropes before he takes off.

The immunity challenge is a lot like the one where the cute girls got naked in Africa – you know, standing on a pole in the water. Only this time, it's hanging on a pole. And, oddly, it's over land. Hello, bruised coccyx! Anyway, Twila hangs on by the skin of her teeth and ekes out immunity. For some reason, this grants her "swing vote" status in the group. She seems to think so, as do Ami and Scout. I don't understand this. Immunity makes you the swing voter when it's down to three, but that's all. Otherwise, you're only the swing vote if everyone had planned to vote for you before you won immunity and now the alliance is fractured. (Which is, essentially, the situation when it's down to three also.) Twila is doing a lot of thinking, which is interesting. Not because I joke about her being a country bumpkin-slash-hermaphrodite, but because up to now she hasn't done that much strategic thinking. She's played more like Scout: emotionally responding to the dynamic of the group and voting based on hurt feelings. Now, she's playing like Ami: evaluating the strategic options and thinking about the game. Good for her. She's certainly right to suspect Scout's rationale for ejecting Eliza. Scout's hung her case on the fact that it was hard to keep the fire going while the reward group was off numbing their uvulae with the Kava tea. Well, it was raining! Of course that would make it difficult to maintain a fire. I don't see how Eliza contributed to that: she wasn't even there. Scout seems to think she can convince people that Chad and Chris are necessary to keep the fire going, but there was fire long before the merge, so I think it's more a case of rain falling on the fire than men abandoning it. This is just a flimsy rationale to shore up a vote against Eliza, who threatens and annoys her. Twila seems to realize that Ami is the real center of power in the younger sub-alliance of the final six, and that eliminating Eliza doesn't necessarily weaken Ami in any significant way. Whether she's smart enough to realize the benefit of keeping people like Eliza who are obviously low on the totem pole is unclear, but it does offer a potential advantage: she may be able to swing Eliza and others against Ami or whoever's in power when the numbers hit that critical point. Eliza certainly knows she's not as close to the power center as Julie and Leann are. Even if Twila doesn't think that far ahead, she can probably see that Ami isn't that worried about the vote. She's got Eliza, Leann, and Julie firmly on her side, so at worst it's a tie. Thus, it's smarter for Twila to stick with that group, which can expect a tie at worst, than it would be to go with Scout, who can hope for a tie at best. If she goes with Scout and the guys and it doesn't work, she'll be marked for elimination among the women. Better to play nice and make your move when you actually have the numbers.

In the end, Chad's gone, mentioning in parting: "I'm not sour, but damn... I wish I could've gone further, that's for sure." Officially the most appropriate Survivor "final words" ever.

But what's really worth getting excited about this week is the premiere of the new Amazing Race. You remember: that show about people racing around the world in teams of two, completing idiot challenges like Roadblocks, Detours, and Fast-Forwards, all the while bickering incessantly and creating tons of fun.

This time, they start off in Chicago, crossing Lake Michigan in giant, super-fast tour boats. There are eleven groups, including TAR mainstays like the old people (MJ and Don), the dating actors and/or models (Hayden and Aaron, Freddy and Kendra), the non-dating models (sisters Lena and Kristy), the formerly-dating/constantly-bickering couple that's officially "re-evaluating their relationship" (Adam and Rebecca), the obnoxious New York man-pals (Avi and Joe), and the mismatched, comically inept father/daughter team (former CIA agent Gus and his daughter Hera). Rounding out the group are Meredith and Maria (thickly accented Queens-based "roommates"), Kris and Jon (a couple dating long-distance), Jonathan and Victoria (officially "married entrepreneurs," but really an unbelievable asshole and his suffering harpy wife), and a team of "married professional wrestlers," consisting of Lori and her husband Bolo, whose trademark is wearing a miniature Robert Evans around his neck at all times. Based on the intro videos, my heart goes out to two teams: Freddy & Kendra, because Kendra looks exactly like Christie from my beloved Colin & Christie team in the previous race; and Hayden & Aaron, because they're sweet together and she has an Amazing Rack. I'll be disappointed if one of those teams doesn't win. Most of the other teams don't really register on my radar, although Kris/Jon could turn out to be a perfectly fine team for all I know. Lena/Kristy are a little annoying, but could turn out to be good racers. (The "we were raised Mormon; I keep a Mormon home, but Lena... likes to have fun" angle irks me.) On my list already are: MJ & Don (because old people should never be allowed to believe that they have value, beyond being quietly adorable at the occasional family function), Avi & Joe (because they're insufferably obnoxious and full of themselves – in their defense, they were cast to fit that role), and Lori & Bolo (because they're wrestlers, rednecks, and morons – also, Christ is his name ever preposterous!). Can't stand these teams; can't wait for them to be eliminated. All the other teams are entirely forgettable and, with a couple of exceptions, quickly forgotten.

Two teams quickly make their way onto my list once the race gets under way (teams must fight their way to the airport and onto a flight to Iceland). Achieving list status with near simultaneity, they are: Jonathan & Victoria and Adam & Rebecca. Jonathan turns out to be the most pretentious, self-involved asshole you've ever seen (and if you've met me, that's saying something). You can't really describe him as Type A, because typically Type A people at least have some skill or talent from which their aggressive ego springs. This guy is just a useless asshole, and any time he isn't celebrating himself is spent verbally and emotionally abusing his wife. He has an obnoxious, nasal voice, a trite shoulder tattoo, and a swatch of hair dyed bright blue at the nape of his neck. The intro video shows him manhandling his wife in a hot tub while a large yellow lab licks his face, and driving around in a luxury sports car. On the subway, he quickly announces himself to be a "mental magician," but I don't think that moniker holds water. I'm calling him Ferrari McHairplugs. Adam & Rebecca represent another unfortunate instance of the female team member landing on my list by association. The real problem is Adam, who's one of those people who constantly goes around telling you how quirky he is. He lives for someone with a stunted vocabulary and a limited understanding of how personalities work to tell him, "You're weird!" If nobody happens to be telling him that, he'll announce it himself, or just start doing something crazy to attract attention. His hairstyle is a buzz cut over his entire scalp, except for two little tufts in the front, which he tightly rubberbands into inch-long reverse pigtails. Victoria tells him, "We're calling you Hellboy because of your horns," almost immediately, which allows Adam to check off "Get nicknamed 'Hellboy'" on his list of things to do for the race. Speaking of my list, I wouldn't want you to think I'm being harsh toward MJ & Don. Here's a quote from their interview: "We're in the best physical condition that we've been in the last 30 years." What?! That's preposterous. Unless they were in a coma 30 years ago, they were by definition in better physical shape. It's called aging, and they shouldn't be ashamed of it, but neither should they be running a strenuous televised race around the world. There's a reason we still have roles like "librarian" and "museum docent" in our society: for old people who are too fit and active to go into a home, but too old to serve a useful purpose. Skip The Amazing Race, old folks! There are card catalogs to be dusted! We'll call you when Matlock is on. Leave the whirlwind adventures to the spry youths who actually have a chance and stop wasting a valuable slot.

All the teams race onto the subway and out to the airport for flights. Besides Jonathan's attempts at mental conjuring (so far, asking a passenger for the loan of his cell phone), this also provides the following amusing moment: buff wrestler Bolo allowing his wife to carry both of their packs down the street. So much for that legendary "endurance level" he crowed about in the intro. Can't he wrestle that bag to the subway station?

The teams all book relatively equivalent flights. Once in Iceland, there's the customary dashing to cars, driving frantically, getting lost, and bickering within teams. With varying levels of alacrity, the teams make their way to a big waterfall to find a clue which directs them to a big glacier (Europe's largest!) where they'll spend the night. For MJ & Don, this is the largest glacier they've seen in the past 30 years. Lena's a little concerned that sleeping in a tent may cramp her style. She's happy to be the Eva Gabor of her team, which brings to mind a nice warning flag for duos considering applying for The Amazing Race: if you have one or more Eva Gabors, don't bother. If Lena & Kristy make it any further in the race, they'll quickly learn to remember tent living fondly; they'll be sleeping outside on the street on at least a few occasions if they want to make it to the million dollars. Avi & Joe chortle at the idea as well, for their own reasons. Avi: "Our people spent 40 years walking in a desert so we could sleep on a glacier..." Golly, do you think he and Joe might be New York Jews? In case you're likely to forget, Avi's right there to remind you. He strikes me as the type who'll follow "Our people spent 40 years walking in a desert" with just about anything. You'll see Avi at the movies: "Our people spent 40 years walking in a desert so Nancy Travis could make a mildly disappointing comedy." Or the post office: "Our people spent 40 years walking in a desert so you could run out of clown stamps." Or, impatiently, during a busy night at the Cheesecake Factory: "Our people spent 40 years walking in a desert so I could spend 40 minutes waiting on a dessert." Just sleep on the damn glacier, dude. What would the alternative have been, building pyramids on the glacier? I don't know – I only saw The Prince of Egypt once.

As they drive to the glacier, Phil updates us on the progress of each of the teams. As with most programs of the elimination-reality genre, it will be a few weeks before the field is narrowed to a size that befits true familiarity with any of the teams. For now, it's all broad strokes and tiny sound bites, which makes it all the more impressive how quickly Jonathan conveys his inner crapweasel. Most teams are struggling for any sort of airtime, and only a select few are lucky enough to be mentioned by Phil, even in the two-hour opener. When he refers to the wrestlers, Lori & Bolo, I get the distinct impression that Phil has refused to pronounce Bolo's ridiculously stupid name more than once. He barked it into a microphone once at the very start and insisted the editors re-use that same piece of tape for future instances, because to pronounce it again would be an insult to his dignity. I mean, seriously, what a stupendously fucking moronic name.

In groups of three, the teams are shuttled up onto the glacier, then ride to their campsite on snowmobiles like packs of swerving, giggly James Bond assassins. The wrestlers race across the ice in a wide, sweeping arc – or parabolo – then hop off their vehicle to start play-fighting in the snow. Meanwhile, Jonathan & Victoria are doing some sparring of their own – consisting mostly of him squawking at her while she tries to defend herself/drown him out/run away. In the morning, there's an uncomfortable moment when Gus demonstrates the old "Langley Handbath" method of freshening up in the morning with a few well placed handfuls of snow (you never know when you'll be called up for a week-long stakeout in permafrost), and then it's off to the Detour clue!

A Detour, as you well know, is a choice between two tasks, each with its own pros and cons. In most cases, it's painfully obvious which option is the best one, and the other option is reserved for idiots and scaredy cats. This week is no exception. There's Ice Find, which is a frigid slog through seven square miles of iceberg-infested water to find a tiny buoy, and Ice Climb, in which teams drive to a glacier, hike across it, then scale an ice wall with special gear including spiky boots and ice axes. Most teams opt for the Ice Climb and make short work of it. Hayden & Aaron take on the ice wall alongside Lori & Bolo in first place. Despite that endurance advantage, the wrestlers just barely beat the actors to the top of the ice wall, leading Lori to win a fond spot in my heart by hollerin' at her husband to "bring your ass on!" By the time later groups get to the ice wall, melting has made it more slippery. Fiancé Freddy struggles with the ice wall, as his partner Kendra (New Christie) looks on. I half expect him to throw a tantrum and shout, "My axe is broken!"

But they make it, and because there's no time for a Roadblock with so many teams, everyone is directed to the pit stop (the Blue Lagoon) to wrap up the first leg. Three teams have selected Ice Find, so we get to see Avi and Jonathan make asses of themselves, getting cute with the boat pilots who will steer them around on the lake. Both of them manage to treat the pilots like puppies at the Humane Society, checking them over to see which will be suitable and expecting them to do tricks or beg to be chosen. Gus & Hera also do the Ice Find, but it's Avi & Joe (who described it as "the pragmatic solution") who picked it first, and they're the last to complete it.

In the mad dash to the finish, most teams seem to forget that at this early stage, the race is only about not coming in last. There's no real reason to fight for first because there will be so much bunching before the pack shrinks to a critical size. But they all get frantic about the tiniest misstep, just the same. Adam & Rebecca freak when she fills their diesel tank with unleaded, ignoring obvious signs to the contrary. Lori & Bolo scream at each other, making a small navigational error into a huge fight by use of wild exaggeration – or hyperbolo. Man, am I glad I decided to start hating that team early.

In the end, it's Avi & Joe who arrive last and I'm not remotely sad to see them eliminated. They quickly inhabited the "Brothers Douche" designation Arksie bestowed upon Marshall & Lance in the last race, and the game will be better for having lost them. Phil mentions, although I'd entirely missed it, that their decision to stop trusting an earlier agreement to share information with Gus & Hera led indirectly to their downfall. Excellent! Alliances are so dumb in this game, especially this early, and making alliances you immediately discard is even dumber. If indeed this was a factor in their lousy finish, cheers!

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