Wed, September 22, 2004
Islands of Fire
amputee or bionic cyborg?
Survivor has started up again, this time in Vanuatu ("Islands of fire!"). And it's about time – finally, a reality show I can sink my snarky little teeth into. With any luck, this will enable us all to put the horror of Survivor: All-Stars behind us once and for all. With all the overhype, the extra million for Rupert, the extra car for Shii-Ann, the wedding angle, and the fact that it was – at its core – a fundamentally terrible idea, the less said about "Burnett's Blunder" the better.
One holdover (or, at least one) from All-Stars: there are 18 contestants instead of the usual 16. Maybe this was picked up from All-Stars and maybe it was picked up from Burnett's Apprentice. I suppose it's possible that he just rounds up 36 people, randomly splits them in half, and then one group puts on cutoffs and flip-flops and heads for the island while the other group is whipped into shape by the makeover wizards at the Trump Modeling Agency, strapped into business attire, and corralled into the boardroom. So, but for a flip of the coin, Scout could have been Pamela, and vice versa. Chilling, really.
18 contestants is the wrong number, in my opinion, and not just because it reminds me of last time. It's just way too many people to keep track of. I still don't know the name of half the girls. (They didn't lose, so there's no extended footage of them deliberating about who to send packing.) It's Twila, Scout, The Older One Who Isn't That Ugly, Dolly, Eliza, and The Other Three Who Don't Look Bad In Bikinis. That still leaves one more. I have no idea. Overall, the casting this time leaves something to be desired. Nobody seems interesting, and nobody seems that cute. (Sources tell me Brady – the FBI agent from the men's team – is pretty hunky, which I suppose I can see, but there's no clear-cut "Colleen" nor even an "Elisabeth.") It's a shame the teams are divided along gender lines: with coed teams, the few people who show some cutie potential would be kept around long enough to see if they could prove themselves, but guys have no reason to keep cute guys around and ladies have no reason to give hotties a break. Too bad.
After Probst's initial demonstration of how close he can stand to an active volcano (I have a hunch that this demonstration is partly green-screen-enhanced), it's time to introduce the locals. Vanuatans (Vanuaties?) row out to the Survivor ship in droves ("Yikes! Extras! And they've captured Probst!"), and shuttle the contestants to the island for a traditional welcoming ceremony that includes dancing, spear brandishing, and the sacrifice of a live hog. PETA's fingers are collectively poised over the speed dial. Probst gets into his typical "sprits of the islands" mode and mentions that while the ceremony may seem strange or upsetting, contestants must remember that "we're only visitors" – yeah, and we brought Target! I wonder if the locals usually have klieg lights and camera jibs around when they perform these ceremonies, or if that's just for our benefit. I imagine Burnett sitting down and negotiating the filming permits with a guy in full face paint with a bone through his nose. If I were the tribal chief, I'd dream up some sort of Fear Factor gross-out challenge and call it the Traditional Filming Permit Ritual just to watch Burnett squirm.
Part of the welcoming ceremony involves separating the men from the women. The women sit on the sidelines while the guys get to drink throat-numbing kava tea and have pig's blood smeared on their faces. The women bristle, but I think they got the long end of the stick on this one. Mia whines about being left out as though she really wanted to have pig's blood wiped on her. She seems to have confused Survivor with Carrie fantasy camp, but to each her own, I suppose. Meanwhile, Rory (the only black guy and possibly the only full-blooded minority – what gives?) notes that nobody jabs a spear in his face "in any way, shape, or form," which immediately eclipses "150 to 200%" as the most pointless turn of phrase in Survivor history. It's the whole use/utilize thing all over again. Rory feels like this means he fits in with the locals, which is good because as it turns out he doesn't fit in with his team at all. Once the porcine bloodletting is over, the guys are asked to scale a tall log smeared in pig fat to retrieve an idol carved out of a rock. (If they can't, the women get it – "Default! Default!") As it turns out, Brady does this on the first try (evidently they left the pig lard pole out of the training footage at the start of Silence of the Lambs, because he makes quick work of it).
The ceremony complete, it rains as if on cue, and Travis takes the opportunity, in an interview, to inject a little personality, working the phrase "pee out of a boot onto a flat rock" into his description of the downpour. Charming. (By the way, he mentions that he's not a strong swimmer, having only started swimming lessons six weeks ago. Are these people at all aware that the show takes place on an island? I'm feeling shades of Osten already.) He wears a cut-off Bob Barker T-shirt (did he stumble onto the wrong CBS game show?) that's a little too small; the way it clings to him, he reminds me of the Nick Swardson character on Reno 911!. We find out that the teams will remain divided men vs. women, with the women's team dubbed "Yasur," as in what a woman says when a man tells her to make him a sandwich. (Ha!) This pleases highway construction worker Chris on the men's team, because he feels that men will be easier for him to read and manipulate than girls. Probably true, but my confidence in his mental game lasts only as long as it takes him to pronounce "mischievous" as though it were "mischievious," which isn't long at all.
The teams head along the beach in opposite directions, searching for their team flags in the dark in the driving rain. Neither team seems to feel comfortable sleeping on the beach in the rain, but both seem delighted to sleep on the beach in the rain near a piece of fabric with the team name on it. Fortunately, the flags are found without incident, so this fantasy comes true with relative ease.
The next day, it's time for the twin priorities of Survivor: fire and shelter. At Yasur, the ladies start off working industriously to build a hut, but before long the younger girls are taking what Eliza describes as "reasonable breaks": reclining and gossiping in the sun, or standing in the water concocting beauty products out of sand. Eliza's a law student (and talks non-stop), so I have to assume she knows what she's talking about when she says "reasonable," but from where I sit, it seems a lot more like "extended breaks" – or maybe "quitting." Lopevi (the boys' team) is working on fire, and from the way he describes it, it's apparent that John P. read about making fire online before coming on Survivor. Which would be a pretty smart thing to do. He pulls out such technical jargon as "hot amber" to describe the glowing part of the wood where it's been heated by friction. It figures – why should we ever be able to get through another Survivor without talking about how hot Amber is? If he starts talking about what a brilliant strategist Boston Rob is, I'm going to shoot myself.
It's at this point that Chad decides to have a sort of impromptu press conference to reveal that his right leg ends somewhere below the knee and above the ankle. He starts off by asking the other guys to acknowledge that he's performed admirably on physical tasks, then – zzzzip! whoosh! – the reveal! (Burn! I bet they wish they could take that back about the physical tasks!) Based on the timing, I expect him to say, "I have a prosthetic foot... and I hid a Zippo in it! Fire for all!" But that's not the way it goes. Lopevi is still without fire when the time comes to leave for their appointment with Probst, just as Yasur must stop building a shelter, bitching about how not everyone is building a shelter, and bitching about how some people are bitching about how not everyone is building a shelter. For my money, there isn't enough footage of the ladies getting their first look at Chad in shorts. ("Dear God! Did the island natives take his leg?!")
Probst lets the teams know that this is one of those despicable "remmunity" challenges, which is for reward and immunity. The reward is flint, which means they all get to go back to camp and have their auto manufacturing jobs shipped overseas – Ha! Only kidding. It means they will have a new item in their repertoire of hilarious fire-attempting techniques. Fire, boiling, potable water. It's huge right now, but doesn't get the same reaction the chocolate reward is going to get in about eight weeks. Once they know wwwwwwwhhatthey'replayingfor, Probst goes to the white board and outlines the day's challenge. Mud crawl, box maze, balance beam, cargo net, fire, burn rope, light torch, race, light wok. I'm looking forward to the challenge when the winning team is the first team to successfully explain the entire challenge to a third party. The bottleneck here is the balance beam which is very narrow and not super sturdy. Still, the balance beam is made for the all-female team, but they see the men slithering across the beam on their stomachs rather than walking it, and they follow suit. Carly Patterson would be appalled. As it is, amid much scraping and splintering, the ladies complete the balance beam first and light their fire while Chris from Lopevi is still trying to make his way across. Good. Now light the torch and use it to cauterize the area where Scout's breast got ripped off by the balance beam.
The girls win remmunity, which means no more footage of them! We've gotta devote full-time to watching the fellas scheme and strategize over the night's vote. There's the typical backlash against the guy who lost the challenge, voiced astutely by Brady: "[Chris] didn't make it across the beam, and we lost." The kind of analytical reasoning that'll make Quantico proud. Watch out, al Qaeda! The FBI is getting smarter! The team splits quickly into "young bucks" and "old geezers," which makes for an interesting dynamic: if you're in your thirties, are you young or old? Based on the voting, it appears that besides the obvious Rory, Chris, and Lea, the old team includes Travis and Chad. Although perhaps Travis and Chad differentiate themselves from the young bucks based on strength, not age. Still, Chad weak? I thought he was here to prove to the world... no, wait, that was [Charla]{col: bowling}. The young alliance includes Brook and the Johns (one of whom is apparently going by "Jack," based on what other Lopevi members are saying, but I can't tell which). With three people, it's not much of an alliance, even if it does include a document manager (Brook) and a mechanical bull operator (John K.). (Sounds like a fun job, but I bet the hours are murder.) Brady votes alone, which is interesting. He could easily fit into either group, being in great shape but also being a little older than the youngest. I can't tell if this "lone wolf" approach will benefit him (unpredictable, free thinker) or hurt him (not one of the group).
The older alliance – obviously – wins, eliminating Brook. I think this is excellent, because the team is still large enough that there are plenty of strong guys to help out with physical challenges if you need that, but you establish a dominant position (numbers-wise, both before and after the vote) early on, which allows you (as the older guys) to avoid falling prey to the typical prejudice of "they're older; they're dead weight." And CBS already has plenty of other opportunities lined up for Brook – I understand they've been having some problems managing documents lately, it sounds like his specialty! He's a nice choice, too. With nine team members, there are a few that just don't stand out in any way. He's not the strongest or the smartest; he's the Saddam Hussein of Lopevi – an easy target that will crumble quickly. Well played.
From here, I'm not sure where we go. It's reasonable to assume we'll be treated to a heaping amount of Prosthesis Porn: more glamour shots of Chad's mechanical leg, highlighting how exciting and interesting it is for an amputee to compete in this game. (Although it would be truly delicious if it came out that he cut his own foot off just to gain a Survivor advantage. Take that, Granny Fairplay! And, insert your own Tribal Bamboo Canoe Captains for Truth joke here.) Of course, if his mechanical leg is going to get extra screen time, it seems only fair that Eliza's giant fake boobs should also be featured. Also, I anticipate a throwdown between Chris (highway construction worker) and Twila (highway repair worker) at some point. "If you would construct it right, I wouldn't have to repair it so much!" "Well, if you would repair properly, we could focus on better construction!" [gnashing of teeth, tearing of limbs] Plus, Rupert! Wasn't Rupert supposed to be coming back? Was he the tribal chief in the full-body headdress? Was he the sacrificial hog? Or will he just serve as the individual immunity idol, passed from competitor to competitor after the merge? Or maybe it'll be like the Outcasts twist on Pearl Islands: from now on, every season of Survivor will include at least one challenge in which Rupert has the chance to win his way onto the island.
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