Sun, June 13, 2004
Not A Girls, Not Yet A Womans
The Internet has been counting down to this for years. The date is finally upon us. Ashley and Mary-Kate Olsen are 18 years old today. Interestingly, I don't think either of them has any interest in having sex with anyone from the Internet, so maybe all the anticipation was a little moot. (Not that there wouldn't be good money in it for them; fortunately, money is one thing they have little need of.) But, I don't think it's appropriate to proposition the Olsen girls. As much as I have a reputation for lecherous intentions towards younger-than-legal women (admittedly, a reputation I cultivate agressively), it's all in fun. For the most part, I think the online countdowns are facetious, too. In a way, though, they may serve a valuable purpose. If a little extra attention can bring into focus for these ladies exactly how powerful their sexuality can be, maybe they'll be cautious enough to avoid the dangers looming ahead. As it is, they're certainly not ignorant of the attention. At the end of their gig on the season finale of Saturday Night Live, Mary-Kate called out, "Don't forget! We're legal in four weeks!" This is good. They know about it, and they're comfortable enough to make fun of it. The next step is being wary enough to avoid any exploitative consequences in the coming years.
Salon took some time on Thursday to evaluate what lies ahead for the Olsen twins. In some ways, I think the advice they collected was pretty good. (Linked on this page.) In general, people advised them to beware of the problems they'll face, career-wise and personally, as they graduate into adulthood. In some cases, though, I think Salon overstates the problem – which is kind of the point, to make their article interesting. I get the sense that the juggernaut Mary-Kate and Ashley brand isn't in any real danger of toppling, and I certainly don't feel that Ashley's and Mary-Kate's individual identities are in danger of becoming unclear or uninteresting. I don't think they need to split up, and I'd be surprised if they needed to apply any special focus to the concept of "being good." I think they are good. I think they're pretty savvy and very smart. (They may talk like other teenage girls, but they've had quite a career already; I think they understand who they are and what lies ahead of them.) I think their handlers (parents and longtime Dualstar helmer Robert Thorne) are fairly well adjusted, and keep the girls from getting into too much trouble. I don't think they need anyone to tell them not to get cosmetic surgery or follow Paris Hilton's lead into amateur-porn.
The only advice I would give them is to ignore all the other advice. Be yourselves. For God's sake, stay Mary-Kate. Don't go changing to Kate or "MK" because you think it sounds too little-girly. The key is not to compete in the Britney/Christina arena by stooping to their level. (Although it's an attractive level in its own right; particularly with the stooping.) The key here is the high road. Your niche is fine where it is.
So far, I think the Olsen twins have done a respectable job of working to build positive self-images in the teen girls that make up the larger (non-sleazy) part of their fan demographic. Sure, they're not perfect – there are a lot of pressures operating on them – but, by and large, I think they represent a wholesome alternative to the Aguilera Grimeslut option, and I think they work hard to make girls feel good about themselves no matter what they wear or how they look. While I think acknowledging their sexuality and taking a more grown-up view of life is an important step, I disagree with those who think Ashley and Mary-Kate should undertake this quickly. I think they will benefit from making the transition to adulthood (both in their personal lives and in their career) a gradual one. After all, they're only 18. There's absolutely no reason they need to establish themselves as bona fide actresses or start doing movies in which they don't play twin sisters right away. Their career is not at a crucial breaking point; they can keep appealing to their current fans for a couple of years without changing anything. The only crucial point is in their personal lives – they need to make sure not to turn into thugs like David Faustino or Todd Bridges. However, I think this fate will be particularly easy to sidestep. They're reportedly worth somewhere north of a half a billion each, and even the most severe cocaine habit can't blow through half a billion in less than a year. In that amount of time, someone will be able to stop them and get them back on track (worst-case scenario).
I think what people fail to understand is that these young women have endured a similar life change at least once before. They started out playing the nauseatingly obnoxious Michelle on the nauseatingly unfunny Full House and then transitioned to a successful sitcom of their own in Two of a Kind, this time playing two roles instead of one. (See Snoozeletter's mathematical analysis.) They transitioned from babbling unfunny and redundant catchphrase punch lines to developing separate characters and portraying them with impressive style and comic timing, considering they were twelve at the time. They did so over a series of steps, like playing two roles in It Takes Two with Kirstie Alley, which is neither as awful as it sounds nor as awful as people say it was. (Don't get me wrong, it wasn't great either.) I don't see why this transition should be any different. So far the only major career mistake I've seen was the hiring of Talyor Negron, but they quickly moved beyond that.
What's to come? Who can say. I think taking a year or so off from the public eye might not be a bad idea, simply because so much attention can't be good. Look at poor Lindsay Lohan. Or even Britney, for that matter. I don't doubt they'll be successful at whatever they do, because with their likableness and bankroll, they could open up MK&A's Genocide Warehouse & Baby Smashing Factory and be successful. It will be interesting if, out of all the things they currently do – books, magazines, cosmetics, fashion, merchandise, acting – acting is the one they choose to pursue. They certainly don't have to. But will they feel pressure to stay in movies because otherwise would look like giving up? Damn this media culture; damn them all to hell.
© onebee · all rights reserved
Joe Mulder — Fri, 6/18/04 12:09pm
I can't believe, CAN'T BELIEVE, this didn't occur to me earlier. They've got all this money, they're somewhat pidgeonholed as far as what people want to watch them do, actress-wise, so it's time to shake things up...
They need to buy the Minnesota Twins.
Holy shit. HOLY SHIT. This is such a good idea that I think my head just exploded.
Then: (wait for it, wait for it...)
Their own reality TV show!
What happens when two young actresses buy a Major League ballclub?
Oh my God.
I should get money just for thinking of that, even if it never happens.
"Brandon" — Mon, 6/21/04 4:31pm
LOL
And I'm so desperate to have anyone, ANYONE other than Carl "Mr. Burns" Pohlad running the Twins that I'm willing to jump on board with these Mulder-inspired shenanigans.
And if the young ladies will agree to rid us of the Guzman/Rivas Plague, all the better.
Joe Mulder — Tue, 6/22/04 1:12pm
I forgot about that benefit; I don't know how much the Olsen twins know about baseball, but, they couldn't possibly not know enough not to recognize the need to rid the organization of the worst double play combo since... well, since Guzman/Canizaro, but, still.
Brandon — Wed, 6/23/04 4:37pm
The 1984 Tim Teufel/Houston Jimenez combo gets my vote for the worst. If you open up your window and take a good strong whiff, you can still detect the stink.
Hey Joe, when you were suggesting the Olsen's Twins-buying reality show, were you also factoring in the whole "twins buying the Twins" aspect? Cuz that just about clinches it right there.
But wait, there's more! "Little House on the Prairie" - set in Minnesota, with a family named Oleson, and featuring football player turned actor Merlin Olsen.
Still not convinced? We are also just six days away from the 10th anniversary (June 29, 1994) of the release of "Little Big League," the feature film about a 12 year-old boy who inherits ownership of the Minnesota Twins. (Granted, the Olsen twins aren't 12, but work with me here...)
It's like this thing was preordained.
Joe Mulder — Thu, 6/24/04 11:35am
"Hey Joe, when you were suggesting the Olsen's Twins-buying reality show, were you also factoring in the whole "twins buying the Twins" aspect?"
Of COURSE! That was the whole point. The Olsen Twins, the Minnesota Twins...
I checked, by the way; no one named "Olsen" worked on "Little Big League," at least not according to IMDB. That would have just been spooky.
Funny (to me) side note about "Little Big League;" they did some scenes at ValleyFair, and, I remember coming back to school in the fall, and Darrin Mosch had a "Little Big League" shirt that he wore all the time. Apparently he'd been at ValleyFair that day, and the producers gave a bunch of people 50 bucks and a t-shirt to act as extras.
So, yeah, for a few weeks, Darrin Mosch was strutting around like he was cock of the walk. Well, let me tell you: Darrin Mosch is cock of nothing!
Brandon — Thu, 6/24/04 12:43pm
"I checked, by the way; no one named "Olsen" worked on "Little Big League," at least not according to IMDB. That would have just been spooky."
Yep, I did the exact same thing yesterday. Was really hoping for that, had to fall back on the 10-year anniversary thing.