Fri, June 18, 2004

For Love Or Money

Oh, come on. Let's all just relax and give Rachel a break. You know it's just the editing. She isn't really that evil. For that matter, it isn't even the editing. They never show footage of her being evil. All the girls just like to gang up on her. It's convenient. She had one tiny outburst in the early days of the game (Even "outburst" is overstating it; she asked for clarifi-fucking-cation!), and so it was easy for them to make her the scapegoat, the outsider. The thing is, it's fairly clear that most of them like her okay. But Andrea likes to make drama out of everything to distract from the fact that she's ugly and annoying, so she creates this Rachel controversy. Rachel is a sweetheart. Look at her at the old folks' home – it's cute. Maybe she's playing for the money, or maybe she's sincere when she says she's started to fall for Preston, but it's all still a game. Jeesh.

First, on the subject of the big "shocker." Duh, they told the girls that Preston knew about the money. But still, the lies are all part of the show. They can't not lie to him about the money just as he can't not lie to them about knowing they're lying about the money. They're all lying to each other about the money, and they all know it. So just eliminate that. It factors out. (Remember factoring out? God, that was the best part of algebra. Crossing things off so you could just stop worrying about them. Bliss.) Also, I think it's odd that the girls so often say something like, "It's so hard to know if his intentions are sincere." So? Who cares? Who cares?? If he's faking and he doesn't really like you, but he still picks you at the end of the show – you win. Same as if he does like you. If you get picked, then you win the money. And only a chump chooses the love. Choose the money, then look him up in the book! Both! You can't get both if you choose the love!

Okay, now back to Rachel. I like her. I think she's great. I thought Jamie was awful cute, and I probably would've gotten along with her better than Preston did, but I admire his ability to send her packing if he thought the chemistry wasn't there. It's very hard – especially on a show like this – to send a nice, friendly, and – oh yeah – unbelievably hot young woman away. Good for him. This is like Larissa getting rid of Tony on Average Joe 2. Not that Average Joe 2 could hold a candle to For Love Or Money (and no, that doesn't mean I like For Love Or Money all that much). The point is, God bless him for making a rational decision. He's right. Ali is the sophisticated one. (And, coincidentally, the only one left with a million dollar check.) Keep her around. Well played. But the point is, I still like Rachel. She's the total package. Cute, funny, smart, and best of all, sarcastic. And, she's hands-down the FLOM Queen of the Reaction Shot. They constantly cut to her whenever anything happens because she screws up her face like Oliver Platt and Stanley Tucci rehearsing emotions at the beginning of The Impostors. She and Ali and Jamie were the only ones in the final six that I liked at all. PJ's sweet, but a little too easily startled. It's the old apple cart problem. I can't handle girls whose apple carts are too easily overturned. Andrea is just awful. A witch in every sense of the word. And Rebekah is... I don't know, weird. She just has this odd, plasticky sense about her. I can't get over it.

And it's totally just pack mentality that Rachel is somehow the baddie. If Andrea hadn't managed to pique Preston's interest by being so touchy-feely on the Japanese tea date (tell me that wasn't pure desperation at work), and he'd just sent her home like he should have, there would be an instant end to the anti-Rachel sentiment in the house. Take, for example, the opening exercise, in which the girls are asked to place a money chip on the portrait of the woman they believe is most in it for the money, and a love chip on the girl who's playing for love. PJ (I think) is first, and she puts the money chip on Rachel. Well, she has to put it on someone, just as Rebekah had to pick someone not to go on the group dates last week. (Although, Rebekah could've picked herself, which – at this early stage of the game – would be the classy and strategic thing to do.) So, PJ puts it on Rachel, which is fair. (And Rachel reacts, of course.) Interestingly, in both cases, Rachel ends up benefiting from this perceived slight; you'd think these people would know to be wary of the "things aren't always what they seem" factor. They're obviously huge reality show junkies; as soon as they laid eyes on Jordan Murphy (the host), they were like "Oh! It's Jordan Murphy! We're on For Love Or Money! Oh, no!" Whereas, I'd have been like, "Who?" Anyway, here's what I'm getting at. Once one money chip has been placed on Rachel's portrait, of course the rest of them will be. And not because of anything having to do with Rachel. Nobody wants to say something negative about anyone else, not even if they are thinking something negative, because it's bad politics. You have to pretend to be nice to everyone in the house. Friends close, enemies closer, and all that. So, you follow suit. Remember in Schindler's List? The guards ask the prisoners who stole a chicken (or some small offense). Nobody fesses up. The guards shoot a prisoner in the head, and he falls dead. They ask again. The young boy steps forward and points to the dead prisoner, "He did it." That's just smart strategy. Why sacrifice another life? Put the blame on the dead guy, and then the problem's overwith. Same with Rachel. She's already upset because of the first chip. Why get on someone else's bad side, too? Just follow the group. So you can see how things which seemingly show everyone hating Rachel, really don't.

Just like the whole masturbation joke fracas. Basically Andrea (for her own self-serving purposes) wants to cause a fuss over Rachel making this joke. (First of all, Andrea, please, I beg you, please tell Preston about this joke in an attempt to portray Rachel in a bad light. He'll immediately end the show and pick Rachel. It's not that he'll like her for making the silly innocuous masturbation joke. It's that the reaction of the other five to such a silly joke is very telling. Any five women with this much of a hang-up about the masturbation issue are positively undatable.) You can see that most of the other women are interested in following Rachel and talking to her, mending the rift. But Andrea is the one who makes it into an issue, and only when she's in the room is there drama around the situation.

But, I can't complain. It's great. If Andrea continues to unite the remaining four against Rachel, Rachel can only benefit. Preston likes her. And if they gang up on her, it's very easy for her to cast it as a "them vs. us" issue; he'll step in to be protective of her (it's a universal male fantasy), and the Preston-Rachel bond will only be cemented further. Good luck, girlies!

Showbiz Moms & Dads

(By the way "& Dads" is obviously tacked on by Bravo in an attempt to sidestep some sort of offensive generalization – also because of Duncan Nutter, but only just. You can tell because even in the show graphic, the "& Dads" is sort of pasted on.)

I had heard about how compelling this show was, so when Bravo announced a marathon over the weekend, I took the opportunity to catch up. It's everything you'd expect and worse. We really don't need more footage of pageant moms denying that they're pageant moms. It's been done. You're not living vicariously through your toddler? Heard it. She loves pageants, even though we have about ten hours of footage of her crying and trying to get out of it? Yep. It's what's best for her, and you'd stop as soon as she said she wanted to quit? Right, right. Just awful. It's the strongest argument yet for my favorite form of population control, sterilizing the stupid. Not only are children being raised into horrible, shallow, self-obsessed people, they're being tortured along the way. Terrible.

The other families (I think there are five in all) are not in toddler pageants. There are three acting families (one stage, two movie/TV) and one singing/modeling family. Out of the whole group, only the Moseley-Stephens family is sane and well adjusted. A single mom and her eight-year-old daughter. Jordan (the daughter) is sweet and reasonable and quite talented. She enjoys what she does and she doesn't make a big deal out of it. The mom is kind and generous and doesn't pressure Jordan at all. They enjoy each other's company, and they love making each other happy. Frustratingly, a lot of their humility and tenacity come from spiritual sources. They're constantly talking to each other about God and his plan for them and how he gives Jordan strength and opportunities and if an audition doesn't result in a new gig, then it's okay because God has other plans for them. It's really sweet and I'm glad it works for them, but it's a little aggravating for that to be the source of the sanity in the one normal family.

Last Comic Standing

Still loving it! And falling more and more in love with Bonnie McFarlane with every passing minute. This week, she starts off griping about Kerri Louise, because "promoting unfunny women [in this competition] doesn't advance the cause." Hear, hear! I think Kerri Louise is a lot funnier than most, but Bonnie still has an excellent point. It's hard enough for the few funny women in comedy (McFarlane, Silverman, DeGeneres) without filling the pipeline with more unfunny women and perpetuating the stereotype. Also, watch Bonnie make out with Todd Glass for pretend, playing along with his over-the-top antics. She's game. There's very little more attractive in a woman than being "up for it." (Where "it" is anything; I'm not specifically talking about sexually suggestive horseplay, although being up for that is a big plus. I just mean, she's ready to have fun and she doesn't take herself too seriously. What a woman!)

Now comes the part where 20 comedians perform and ten get selected to move into the house in Hollywood. As mentioned earlier, you can't eliminate the pros (and Sue Costello doesn't count as a pro!). Which works out perfectly. Costello gets eliminated, and the only actually talented pro not to move forward is Jim Norton, which is not because of the competition, but because of a pre-existing contractual conflict on the dates. This is an excellent way to reduce the number of automatic appointees by one without having to pretend that Norton is not a spectacularly talented comic. (Even Todd Glass – my "sometimes y" of the pro group – gets into the house, for which I am delighted.)

Anyway, they almost select the exact ten I'd have picked, which is pretty good considering "the talent scouts consult with the producers and NBC before making final choices." I mean, of course NBC and the producers are going to pick less talented but more interesting people for the house. But still, seven out of ten is not bad.

They picked:
Kathleen Madigan
Gary Gulman
Corey Holcomb
Bonnie McFarlane
Ant
Alonzo Bodden
Tammy Pescatelli
Todd Glass
John Heffron (pantomime shot-put)
Jay London

Now, all I'd change is to substitute Dan Naturman for Jay London and Marina Franklin for Tammy Pescatelli, plus of course swap Tim Young for Ant, or just kill Ant altogether and go with nine.

The celebrity talent scout thing is kind of funny because nobody really tunes in to see what the celebrity talent scouts are going to say. They hardly say anything. So why even get them? Obviously it isn't for their opinions about who's a good comic. Just look at Wednesday's episode, when Drew Carey and Brett Butler were up in arms about the unfunny comedians (like Jay London) getting advanced instead of obvious favorites (like Dan Naturman). Thank God Brett Butler is a psycho or this important issue would never have come to light. She storms off, David Engel has to come down in his stupid "I'm a producer" turtleneck and explain that the show is basically rigged, but it says it right in the credits (it does; always read reality TV disclaimers, they can be fascinating). It all gets resolved, although why Engel leaves it in the show is beyond me. Especially when his defense is that the producers have seen more of the performances by these comedians and so they're more familiar with the total act and better qualified to judge who should continue. Well, that's false. The reason they pick who they pick is exactly what Tim Young says, they want people who will be dramatic personalities in the house. But my point is, why even have the celebrity talent scouts? We don't need to keep coming up with excuses to prop up Brett Butler in front of a camera. Let's just leave her alone.

It will be a fun mix of personalities in the house. Bonnie and Todd Glass will be hilarious together. No one will put up with Ant's bullshit. It will be great. (I'm fully preparing myself for the terrible conclusion, just like last year. This is what happens when you let America vote. I'm sure Bonnie will be this year's Dave Mordal; far and away the most talented, but not a winner. Heffron will be Cantrell.) But it is a shame that Naturman isn't in the group. He was funny when we first saw him, and he only grows on me. His bit about the Tower Records gift certificate ("Why not just give me the fifty bucks, and write on the envelope 'If you're in the neighborhood, check out Tower Records'?") was funny, and his concern about being too pretty for prison was riotous. "I have full lips, which I think could be a problem for me in prison," he says. "Let's face it, kissing in prison is worse than sex in prison. If a guy rapes you, it's like, 'All right, you got me. Ha ha.'" I rarely respect Brett Butler, but the fact that she almost fell out of her chair, along with Drew Carey, at this joke goes a long way. No matter what, though, Naturman was a lot funnier than London, who trades on his weird, affected persona way too much and who basically delivers unfunny puns and cut-rate Steven Wright knock-offs without any presentation or consideration. He's got a Dat Phan-style comedy notebook full of graphs and symbols, though. So, I'm sure he'll win.

And, yeah, Marina Franklin was hardly perfect, but she's much funnier than Tammy "My mom is so Sicilian!" Pescatelli, and before going on, she mentioned that comedy comes down to rhythm, pace, and energy. Which is totally the way I see it. I thought her bit about Showtime at the Apollo was really funny, too, although clearly not enough of the audience was familiar with the source material. The comics laughed; that's how you know it actually was good. Being able to use "And that's the punch line" as a punch line and have it be effective is pretty impressive, to me.

It will continue to be a fun show to watch, though. I have to brace myself for the gay challenges that will be coming up for the next few weeks, but the comedy will be pretty solid, and hopefully at least Ant will go home soon. He seems like the sort of person the house could gang up on quickly. Plus, it really will be so much like last year. I just love Bonnie so much!

Celebrity Poker Showdown

In my household, "C Po-Show" or "Britty Powsh" for short, this continues to be the best reality show ever ever ever. I am such a fan of Dave Foley and only exponentially more so as a result of his new gig hosting Celebrity Poker Showdown. He brings out an altogether playful side of Phil Gordon, he's great with every single guest (especially Matthew Perry – yay!), and he's just a riot all the way through. I will definitely be incorporating his nicknames ("double infinities" for pocket eights, "sailboats" for pocket fours, "Rockette" for a high kicker) into my play as much as I can. And "perilous if you're pairless" is just freaking awesome. I can't say enough good about this show. I spend my whole week looking forward to it.

I do wish the "How Would You Play It?" feature (where they only show you one player's hole cards so you can test your strategy and get tips from Phil) would occur earlier in play. They reserve it for heads up action, but I think it would be more interesting with four or five players. Or, at least, mix it up so sometimes it's early and sometimes it's late. We need practice playing against four other people, too!

The only thing I'd really change, though, is the audience participation. Last series, it seemed like the audiences were pretty well behaved. They'd laugh and applaud, but generally just enjoy. This time, they seem to be constantly participating. Yelling out jokes, egging on the player, everything. Enough! Shut them up! It's funnier when the players banter amongst themselves. I have always hated audience participation (especially unsolicited) in comedy. It's sometimes a problem at the Borders comedy shows, too. Just unnecessary. Joshua Malina should just go out there with a nightstick and break the ribs of anyone caught talking. I mean, "Dulé! Dulé! Dulé, Dulé, Dulé!" is cute, or even chanting "Rudy! Rudy!" to encourage Sean Astin. But just hollering stuff out is way stupid.

Also, Phil referred to Sara Rue reaching for her chips and then folding as a "balk," which I think is very funny. As in, "I think she's going to come in for a raise here." (She folds.) Phil, startled: "Or, she'll balk." Ha!

© onebee · all rights reserved