Wed, May 5, 2004

There's a scene in this week's Deadwood where a young boy and his precious little sister arrive in town searching for their father. They have no success locating him and the boy takes work at the Gem Saloon to meet expenses while they're in town. Al Swearingen (the show's main villain and the owner of the Gem) coyly asks if the girl is looking for work, too (meaning, as a prostitute) and the prim, innocent children demur, aflutter. Later, the girl is approached by the lovely Kim Dickens character, who's in charge of the whores at the town's other saloon. Dickens is able to, in the words of the saloon owner, "turn her out" (visions of PimpBot 5000 dance in my head), but the girl makes it clear that her brother thinks she's as chaste as she looks, so her strumpetry will have to be kept under wraps. It's a chilling (and kinda empowering) "anything for family" moment, until later, when it turns out that both kids are only pretending to be pure and naïve as part of a scheme to swindle the saloon owners. It's a glorious reversal – the saloon owners are so vile and corrupt, they jump at the chance to victimize the credulous newcomers, and their opportunism leaves them blind to the possibility that someone might be taking advantage of them. If what Shii-Ann says is true, then Amber is doing the same thing to Rob. It's well documented how strongly I wish this could be the case, but by now I think we all have to admit that it isn't. The one to watch out for is Rob, and getting distracted by Amber at this point is just a waste of time. Admittedly, Shii-Ann has more direct evidence than I do, but she's also revealed some sizable strategic blind spots of her own over the course of 54 days in this game. I just don't think Amber's got it in her. Even if she does, I fear she's waited too long to spring the trap.

As this week's episode opens, Shii-Ann obliges tradition and says she's going to really "stir it up" now. As opposed to stirring it up weeks ago when there would still have been time to eliminate someone important. This late in the game, Shii-Ann is the only one with a target on her back, so it's damn hard to stir up anything effective. Also, in an interview that I hope is edited from earlier in the season, or better yet, Survivor: Thailand, she mentions – with some surprise – that she's not very well liked among the team. Duh? When you go around calling yourself "Shii Devil" and plotting to "mix it up" and yelling things like "In your face!", how can you expect anything different? I always thought she thrived on being disliked. I thought she (mistakenly) believed that it was her Hatch-esque advantage to be hated. Like I say, hopefully this is just footage from earlier in the game, or from her inevitable upcoming guest shot on The Stones.

Anyway.

It's time for the obligatory reward challenge that involves family members coming back and being humiliated. One by one, the family members are paraded in, and Probst generously allows them a few moments of quality time on the Hugging Mat. Step off the Hugging Mat while hugging, and you'll be sent back to the start, Jed Hildebrand-style. Probst lines up the family members and informs everyone that – shock! – the people who have to eat the icky things in this challenge are the family members. This is right out of previous games, so I don't get why people are surprised, but whatever. (If you think the Hugging Mat and the family members eating icky things challenge are gay, get ready. It gets way gayyer.) Shii-Ann continues to note how similar her mom is to her mom. "There she is, standing there. That's exactly the way my mom would stand there." She says "Mommy" a lot, and I can't tell if it's an attempt to sound cute and curry sympathy from her competitors, or if she just calls her mom that. I like saying it to my mom, too, so I can't judge. Oddly, when hit with the unbelievable shock of learning that the family members do the eating, Shii-Ann is worried that Mommy won't be able to handle it. I don't want to seem insensitive here, but shouldn't Shii-Ann's mom be a lock in this situation? I'm not just broadly generalizing about the culinary oddities of Asian cultures, there was a whole outburst in Thailand about Shii-Ann's willingness to eat chicken necks – it seems like her family is accustomed to some unusual dishes. Anyway, Mommy is dispatched rather handily. Then Jenna's brother is robbed because he takes a swig of water while downing his tarantula. I agree that it's pretty clear that the water only comes after the meal. The fact that nobody else is drinking water should be a tip-off. However, I can understand where the brother might be thinking that it was eating the first dish that earned him the water. For an honest misunderstanding, I think disqualification is a bit harsh. Everybody should just start over with a new tarantula. (Not that I am particularly interested in extending the footage of people eating these icky things.) Tom's son (his name escapes me, but it's Bo or Zeke or some other name that inspires visions of dirt-caked bare feet and a single overall strap) wins and Probst starts pouring on the gay. In addition to the already gay reward of hanging out with your family member, you're now allowed to choose someone else and their family member to join you. Preposterous! I really want to see the reward challenge in the final four this year. ("Okay, you win reward, and you can pick three other people to share it with.") Despite the fact that Rupert is a clear crowd favorite, Tom picks Rob as his companion. I would have picked Rupert, Jenna, Amber, or Shii-Ann – in that order – before Rob. Rupert and his wife clearly miss each other a lot. Jenna's brother was robbed. Amber – well, she's just fun to hang around. And Shii-Ann, well, okay, that's an Anybody But Rob vote. But you don't just have to hate Rob for this to be a bad idea. If you're in an alliance with him (and Tom thinks he is), you don't want to go around proclaiming how important Rob is and how everyone should suck up to him. That just makes Rob a target and jeopardizes the advantage of your alliance. (What am I saying? With this group? They couldn't figure out that Rob was a threat if they were in the final two with him!) Maybe it's me. Maybe I'm reacting to this whole despicable trend of bestowing and sharing winnings. Maybe I just don't like knee-jerk thinking in this game. Maybe I just really hate Rob. And maybe I think that giving alcohol to Rob and Tom is like hiring Michael Jackson to babysit your teenage sons.

But alcohol they get, and we're treated to plenty of footage of the four boys carousing. Tom indicates to his son how important it is to maintain his alliance with Rob, as though the son has anything to do with it. Rob mentions to his brother, Mike, that he has Amber wrapped around his little finger, and they'll take each other to the end. Considering how arrogant Rob has been and how clearly he has masterminded the elimination of most of the jury (Lex especially), he should know that an AmbeRob final two is the same as handing Amber a million dollars. Which I'm fine with, but I doubt he is. Once again, this game features the final two strategy of "if by some freak circumstance I don't win, who would I be okay with getting the million?" Which is? Bad. Final Two. Strategy.

Back to the beach! The Chambo Mogo-Sabo Chapera-Mogperamo-chamboexpialidocious team puts the visitors to work, leveraging their rested and nourished bodies to haul some lumber and carry out other menial tasks. Well, except for Mike, who lounges with his cocky, entitled brother. Rob sits, wreathed in his regal blanket, and watches over the camp like some sort of lord. Anybody want to vote against this guy? Nope? Okay.

Rupert reluctantly allows their visitor from the land of NASCARia to borrow one of his spears to attempt a little fishing and, of course, the boy loses the tip of the spear. I really don't know what Rupert is expecting to happen, here. By now, Rupert should know that he alone can be trusted with objects of any importance, particularly anything spear-related or otherwise awesomely heroic in any way. Well, you can believe that he learns his lesson as a result of the country mouselet's negligence. Rupert vows to protect his spear from here on in. I'm reasonably confident that Rupert would like the final two to be himself and the spear.

And we're back to the fire/water bucket teeter-totter immunity challenge. Which is fun because, as usual, Rob is off to a tremendous early lead, but he's a big moron and his fire is too small to light the necessary fuse. After a few more minutes, and a few shots of Amber scratching the wrong end of the match against the box, it becomes clear that the real point of this immunity challenge isn't to transfer water into the buckets which have been painstakingly "distressed" by the art department to look like something you'd find on a desert island or in your nearby Pier One. Immunity will actually go to whomever runs out of matches last. All you have to do is spend a lot of time fumbling with your kindling and save a match for the end, and you'll outlast the others! One by one, they bow out, having exhausted their match supply, until it's down to Shii-Ann ("I really need this") and Tom ("Wheee-haa! [odoriferous belch]"). Sadly, Tom doesn't see the value in playing out this match thing, so he builds an actual fire and wins immunity. Where's the customary Richard Hatch Memorial Gay Dance of Fire Victory? Ah, there it is. Tom just waits until he gets back to camp. Watching the man dance is an odd amalgam of Elaine Benes and a floppy burlap sack filled with fighting raccoons. I wish people would get this excited about immunity more often. If that guy from Lethal Weapon 2 had done this dance when he was crowing about his diplomatic immunity, it would have been a much better film. Or Monica Lewinsky – didn't she trade her testimony for immunity? (Ah, Tom and Monica – that would be a truly inspired pairing of reality personalities. Screw Ali n' Jack!)

After immunity, which Shii-Ann apparently did not need as much as she thought she did, it's time for the customary scrambling around trying to influence the voting. And, as usual, Shii-Ann misses the point. In her defense, apparently anyone who knows anything knows that you don't attempt a coup with even numbers. I'm not entirely certain why this is, but I guess it's related to the possibility of a tie. Still, when AmbeRob are only two (They still only get one vote apiece right? Burnett hasn't completely turned this game over to them yet.), it's theoretically possible to amass the other four votes. And really, Rupert and Jenna (their alliance, while weakened by infighting, still exists) should know that they stand a better chance with AmbeRob split up. Tom and Shii-Ann certainly benefit. So, she shouldn't have as much trouble gathering those four votes, except she decides to make the exact same mistake as Ethan – going after someone whose vote she needs. Shii-Ann knows that Rob and Amber are going to vote with AmbeRob (Amber's dumb, but even she isn't dumb enough not to vote for whomever she votes for), so she has to target one of them – everyone else is a potential vote she should be trying to win. Instead, she targets Jenna, and the editing leads us to believe that her reason for this is: she doesn't like Jenna very much. Oh, and neither does Tom. There's a point in this game when it's okay to eliminate someone based on purely on the irritation factor, and that point is Day Three. At this late stage, it's inexcusable to cast your vote for any reason other than strategy. Shii-Ann should know this, and she should know that Tom is slack-witted enough to accept it as long as she makes a halfway coherent argument to him. Shii-Ann knows that AmbeRob are wielding an enormous amount of power (not to mention those blankets) and she knows that they have made promises to the other players that they won't be able to keep (nor do they intend to). All she has to do is point this out to Jenna and Tom, and she secures four votes against Amber or Rob. (Rupert will listen to Jenna, and he also believes that it is either physically impossible or unpardonably unseemly to break an alliance once you've committed to it. "Jenna really bothers me; it makes me sorry I have an alliance with her." It's as if she's holding his big toe as collateral – or worse, his spear!) Instead, she tries to get Rupert to break his alliance, which would be like asking Alicia to only sometimes wave her finger at you. And, without a strategically valuable reason, Tom isn't going to break his either. Shii-Ann should have talked to his son (or, should've if it weren't like trying to talk to Jodie Foster from Nell) – Tom believes strongly that Rob has his back. (Presumably, Rob is going to ditch Amber and take Tom to the final two? Nice plan!) Judging from the final votes, it's clear that Tom doesn't betray AmbeRob, and it's clear that Shii-Ann knows it, because otherwise she'd be voting for Jenna in a desperate attempt to stay in the game.

Nope, the smart plan doesn't dawn on Shii-Ann until TribCon, and by then it's too late, or at least it's too late if you're a Survivor contestant and you're bound by some unspoken compulsion not to talk to the other contestants about the voting once you're amidst the mesmerizing flicker of tiki torches. I have to give Shii-Ann credit for naming names and taking the opportunity to really expose the machinery of the game, but I'm not particularly proud of how she does it. Why point out that there are two competing alliances (AmbeRob and JennaRupe) without pointing out that AmbeRob is the dominant and therefore threatening one? Why name names about alliances and food bossiness (?) but play coy about who everyone should be "watching out for"? If she'd said "Amber" instead of making everyone wait to read her vote, then maybe somebody would've voted for Amber? Maybe? I have no idea. Anyway, big ups (as Stuart Scott would say – hugs and handpounds, everybody!) to Tom for creating a new word: "ignorantest." Actually, what Tom says is "ig'nantest," but I think we have to assume that the word is "ignorantest" and he's just pronouncing it in his folksy way. Somewhere in Mississippi, a very hot mortician sheds a tear of joy. Then, Shii-Ann is gone and Probst is being a snarky bitch, saying that we'll see next week, "what, if any, effect Shii-Ann's words will have." Zero, Probst, and you know it! Don't toy with our emotions that way. The effect will be that they'll all vote for Shii-Ann again next week, so defensive are they of the Coalition of the Spooning. ("How dare she speak ill of those two – they're taking all of us to the final five!")

POLL:

Blanket Statement

So, what's the deal with those omnipresent AmbeRob blankets?

	Product placement has become a number one priority this season. Target can't keep those things in stock!
	Hey, on the island you can't just depend on the cameramen and editors to make it clear who's controlling everything. You need flair, baby!
	They think they're superheroes, and this is the closest thing to a cape they could find.
	They give off some sort of hypnotic pheromone that renders the other players dumbly acquiescent.
	Rob's shoulders are still cold, from giving Lex the cold shoulder. (Get it?)

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