Wed, April 7, 2004

Well.

Isn't this something! They move Survivor to Wednesday nights for two weeks to clear the way for March Delirium, which is bad enough, even though I very much enjoyed the tournament. Then they have the temerity to throw an unbearable clip show in our laps one of those weeks. And now, adding insult to injury, this intrigueless, meandering yawnfest is what they expect to pass off as a return to full-time Survivoring. I for one will not let this stand. I'm setting up a petition at MoveOn.org.

Okay, enough. All this "O'Franken Factor" is starting to get me riled up. As irritating as it is that basically nothing happens in this week's episode, I really should have been able to expect that. I'll hand it to Burnett and his chattering cadre of Twist Oompa-Loompas – they've finally chosen to rig a Survivor event for the right reasons. Ordinarily, I strongly oppose the way they surreptitiously influence the game by setting up immunity challenges to favor the smaller team if the numbers get out of balance, and so on. For the most part, I just think this represents short-sighted thinking. Who says it's better television if the teams are 5-5 instead of 7-3? We'll never know until we try it! But also it seems like there's no compelling reason for the producers to fix the challenges, so it's just purposeless dishonesty. Let the game play out, it can't be that bad. Anyway, this week I reverse my position (we hippy lefties are prone to that – check out John Kerry!) and wholeheartedly support the decision to rig the whole team-shuffle buff-draw thing.

I honestly can't imagine anyone – even the show's contestants – disputing the obvious conspiracy involved in re-shuffling the teams so that everybody switches perfectly except Amber, leading to a 5-5 split and severing the AmbeRob Alliance of Cuddling. But just in case, here's my proof. When the contestants pull their new buffs out of that charmingly rustic vessel, the buffs are still carefully folded. Look at it: each time someone pulls one out, it's clearly a tidy little square. Based on this, and the narrow dimensions of the container, it's obvious that the buffs are just stacked in there. It's not like pulling a lotto ball out of a drum, or drawing straws. Each person just pulls a buff off the top of the stack. And, the producers knew the order in which the competitors would be drawing, because they had the team members get into their order at the start of the challenge. (And then they sent them all away in little pairs so they could be alone while they re-stacked the buffs!) So, you can see that it's no mere coincidence that everyone from Mogo Mogo becomes a Chapera, and everyone from Chapera goes to Mogo Mogo except Amber, who at the last minute draws a Chapera buff. It makes me wonder if they employed the same trickery when they sent Lil and Burton back into the game last season. (Answer: yes. Yes, they did.)

But I say, good. This is finally an appropriate time to fix the outcome of something like this. For one thing, Rob is fucking annoying. Taking away his girlfriend is a well-deserved kick in the gut, and it forces him to either play the game intelligently or (as his behavior this week evidences) quickly fall out of the game as a result of allowing his ties to Amber to cloud his game play. I personally vote for the latter, plus an extended round of testicle-stomping by Probst, but either way is fine. Watching them snuggle and coo is sickening, and it's flies in the face of everything that Survivor is supposed to be about – to an almost Osten-tatious degree. Also, it gives Amber the much-needed kick in the pants that should get her to start employing a strategy and playing separately from Rob. (Something that, as it turns out, she steadfastly declines to do; but we'll cover that in a minute.) Finally, rigging the team shuffle in this way pulls Chapera out of the "coasting in neutral" approach they've had since they absorbed Rupert and Jenna from Saboga. (Granted, there was a hiccup when Sue left, but that was mostly a result of editing.) It's a twist that has the potential to throw the entire game into a tailspin, and uproot all of the alliances and strategy work that has come so far.

And, as a matter of coincidence, that potential is not realized in any way. It's a shame, but the producers shouldn't allow it to rattle them. The decision to rig the team shuffle is still sound.

I think maybe they just overthought it a tad. Because the real benefit of the scenario is that everyone thinks a merge is imminent and so you want to screw with those expectations as much as possible. So, dividing AmbeRob is a terrific idea, but leaving the rest of the teams intact is a little silly. It leaves them with the ability to settle comfortably into old routines, more or less. I'd have also switched Lex with Rupert. Let Lex and Rob fight for dominance, and let Mogo Mogo (now Chapera) struggle with Rupert for a while. So far, they're the only team out of the original three that hasn't been subjected to him. No, the whole non-merge merge thing backfires a bit, and that's a shame. I was really enjoying it, since I predicted no merge whatsoever. I guess I'd better live it up now, since CBS says they're bringing back individual immunity next week. That doesn't necessarily indicate a merge, but just in case, I'll be basking in the non-merge while it lasts.

Not that the rigged team shuffle doesn't yield any positive results. As I mentioned, it does force Rob to choose between playing for himself or playing very poorly. He opts for the latter, alluding cryptically to some sort of "next move" which is going to results in "consequences" for everyone else on the island. From the way he talks, I assume that this means he's going to work very hard to throw every remaining challenge, but his team wins the immunity challenge (thanks in large part to Shii Ann's exclamation-laden transcription – good thing she once again puts herself in charge!). So, either that wasn't his "move," or he's just as bad as Hatch at throwing challenges. After the challenge, of course, he makes the move of promising future assistance to Lex if Lex ensures that Amber isn't voted off. (Proof that he's gone bonkers as far as Survivor strategy, and that he is also still depending on a future merge.) What tickles me here is, Probst can be heard to command, "Lex! Move it out." This is such blatant hypocrisy that it would make me want to cry if not for the fact that it attempts (unsuccessfully) to make life harder for Rob. Probst is saying it's okay to whip another contestant with your penis, or fake your grandmother's death, in order to gain an advantage in the game of Survivor, but it's not okay to make alliances outside of your team? Impossible. For one, everyone knows Rob and Amber still have an alliance. For that matter, Burton and Lil had an alliance that spanned their teams when they returned as Outcasts. Plus, Survivor just had them off chatting in little pairs comprised (with one exception – one very hot exception) of members from opposing teams. There's never been any past mention of not being allowed to converse across team borders. Probst is just trying to clamp down on Rob because the theme of the week is "Screw with Rob" and Rob is trying to wriggle out from under it.

Which brings us to Amber. This is a real shame. When she drew that red buff, I was so elated. Sweet freedom! This could be the turning point in Amber's victory in this entire game. (I should reiterate that this is not so much about me wanting Amber to win this game over anyone else; I just think the only result that would validate her decision to make out with Rob is one million dollars.) I was delighted. I was prepared for her to say, "Now I can set about winning this mutha." Because I wanted so desperately to cling to the belief that she was really stringing Rob along because he's a dumb male and he'd let his libido get the better of him. It's a huge (yooge) advantage for her to have, and I really wanted to believe she knew that and capitalized on it. From this point, she could wreak havoc on the already-self-destructing Mogo Mogo (now Chapera) team, then after the merge (if there is one) she would still have Rob's confidence, so she could wrap him around her little finger until the final two. Instead, this. "I got screwed," she says. No, honey! They saved you! They freed you! It's yours to win! Alas, she adds that, the whole time the contestants were pulling buffs out of Probst's buff distribution device, she "was thinking, 'Let me pull what Rob pulls.'" Damn. That's it. I guess she really is falling for him, and it never was about strategy at all. She duped me, because I wanted so badly to believe. She's been playing For Love or Money since week two, and I just couldn't bring myself to see it. Now I do. Clear as crystal in the harsh light of day. How awful.

It's not about her, I swear. I mean, she's cute, but plenty of people are cute. (Notice, by the way, that as soon as Shii-Ann is on the same team as a "Playboy" starlet, suddenly she's dolling herself up and poofing her hair.) I wanted her to do it because of the brilliant strategy it would have represented. That's the one thing that this show delivers well (when it delivers it) and so it's all I want to see. Somebody. Playing. Strategically. (Plus, I admit it would have been delicious to see the look on Rob's face when she turned to him and said "Sorry, kid. All that kissyfacing was just to distract you while I stabbed you in the back and ruled the game." Delicious!) I really think Amber just needed to kick ass at the new Chapera (formerly Mogo Mogo) and establish an early power structure. The team is split 4-1 along gender lines, and that's another yooge advantage. She should take Lex out, then eliminate Shii-Ann (YES!) and Jerri. Then, she and Kathy merge (or not, I could still be right) with Mogo Mogo (formerly Chapera), whom we already know get along with Kathy so well. But by then she has Kathy's alliance and Rob's alliance, so she's the queen of the game until the end, playing one against the other. Oh, it would have been beautiful. But no.

What's funny about the whole Rob/Lex alliance (or whatever it is) (if there is one) is that it puts Lex in a really odd position if Mogo Mogo (now Chapera) wasn't planning to vote for Amber in the first place. In challenges, she's quite an asset. She's strong and driven, and she's a freakin' ballerina. In the log-rolling challenge and the beam-balancing/penis-avoiding challenge, her balance skills paid off when nobody else would've been able to. Plus, as I have been forced to acknowledge, she's a chump for Rob, so she's almost as easy to manipulate now as she was when she was traipsing around Australia like the chimp to Jerri's organ grinder. If they were set to vote for someone else anyway, then Lex has to deal with Rob thinking they're pals for no reason. Fortunately, Lex is busy being Stupid Full-Disclosure Lex, so he tells his harem all about it, which allows them to start the process of hating Rob as much as I do. In Kathy's words, "that was a Godfather move." (Although I'm not sure; this could be clever editing. Somebody could have asked her to run down the AFI Top 100, and just spliced out the part where she says "that Godfather movie.") I'm not entirely certain why they vote for Jerri instead of Amber, but it's what I'd do (I mean, other than vote for Shii-Ann!), regardless of what Rob says. If it's not a result of Rob's doing, then I'm not sure how they're going to explain that to Rob. He'll think he's got them under his thumb! (Maybe these are the "consequences" he was going on about.) For whatever reason, SFD Lex goes ahead and tells Jerri that she's out, and she wants to know why. I still don't get why these idiots always want explanations in this situation. Either go to the others, plead your case, and reverse the vote, or shut up and go home. It's not debate club; there are no points for proving that Lex doesn't have good reasons. (You'll note that half the votes for Jerri have little hearts drawn on them. "Aw," she must be thinking. "I guess they really like me. No big deal, then – I'm glad to be voted off. Tra la la." [Skips away down the boardwalk.])

Where does it go from here? God knows. The NCAA commentators mentioned that individual immunity is coming back, so I have to hope that means a twist and not a merge. There's footage of Probst holding up two necklaces, so maybe there's an individual immunity on each team. Or maybe Probst just likes pretty things. What I'd like to see is Chapera (now Mogo Mogo) fixing up the Mogo Mogo camp (formerly of Mogo Mogo). Walking up to it, you could hear them thinking, "Is this the camp, or have we just stumbled into a clear patch in the brush?" (In contrast to the new Chapera's awe when approaching the Chapera camp. "How organized!" exclaims Shii-Ann. Yeah, Miss Perfect! How come you couldn't pull that off at your camp?) I think it would be great for them to show that their can-do capability comes from teamwork, and extends to whatever hellscape you toss them into. Empowerment of New Mogo Mogo is good. At this point, I just want to see Shii-Ann and, to a lesser extent, Lex, hurt. I liked him initially, but his snakey strategy isn't impressing me, and the whole tell-everbody-you're-voting-for-them thing is childish. Plus, if he really is keeping Amber around because Rob said to, he's a jackass. Going along with it is fine if you don't mean it, but actually allying with that neanderthal thug is verboten. Talk about the ultimate sub-alliance problem. Anybody who teams up with the AoC is just fodder for elimination as the game winds down. Of course, more than anything, next week will be fun just for watching Rupert once again mourn the loss of his spear.

POLL:

Amber Waves of Pain

Her boy-toy Rob has been taken away from her. What should Amber do now?

	Shroud herself in a burqa and abstain from future challenges.
	Cuddle up with Lex.
	Cuddle up with Shii-Ann.
	Steal Shii-Ann's challenge bottoms.
	Actually play Survivor.

© onebee · all rights reserved