Mon, March 15, 2004

You know what? These Survivor people really deserve each other. I mean, please. Does the episode really open with Shii Ann lamenting (without a trace of irony) the fact that her teammates are prone to bitching about little things and running off at the mouth? Okay, perhaps I'm biased; but put aside for a moment the fact that I think Shii Ann is the Queen of Bitchiness and the Supreme Champion of Excessive Soliloquy. (She actually says of Colby "Does anything come into your head that you don't say?" which is something I've been thinking about her for a year and a half!) Forget all that. Isn't it still a little odd that she's bitching about bitching? Argh! She absolutely embodies that aggravating kind of person who is (rightly) so insecure of her abilities that she has to convince herself that she's making the right move by recapping it aloud to others at all times. It's a tired cliché, but "Who are you trying to convince?" really fits in her case. Worse yet, she's actually managed to get me to root for Jerri, which is just unthinkable. I wash my hands of the whole thing. Burnett, may you rot in hell for so effectively addicting us to the pointless infighting of a despicable group of people we neither respect nor like. Huggledy muggledy!

I still think these contestants are just less fun. By this time last season I was wrapped up in all kinds of intrigue and gleefully speculating about what would come next. I think the all-stars are too savvy, and so the game doesn't have that sheen of inexperience and discovery. I (still) submit that Survivor: All-Stars is a fundamentally terrible idea. This week, for instance, I had high hopes that we'd finally have the drama of the last two episodes behind us and we could get into some real Survivoring. Instead: dumb bickering and changes which will have no recognizable effect on the game.

Maybe Jerri's the problem. If she hadn't ended up on Mogo Mogo after the dissolution of Saboga, maybe Colby would have been able to focus more clearly on the most important problem: Shii Ann. (I may not have particularly cared for Colby before, in fact as of last week the only competitor I cared about at all was Alicia – and maybe Amber. Amber, below the neck. But he was – to borrow a term from Manohla Dargis – damncharming on C Your E last week, and now I love him.) Colby doesn't care about Jerri as long as she's not right in front of him. He's not a complete idiot like she is, focusing all her attention on revenge rather than actually playing the game. When she was on Saboga, he never even thought about her. But now she's frumping around camp and whining about everything. So Colby gets distracted by her, and the dustup between her and Shii Ann, and loses focus at a crucial moment. He should know (as we all do) that Shii Ann is the rotten part of the fruit, and if he'd cut her out Jerri would calm down, but Jerri's gunning for him, so he's understandably blinded to Shii Ann's role. He does mention that he dislikes her, which hopefully means I'm not the only one. He just worries about Jerri more. I think if Mogo Mogo had received Rupert or Jenna instead, this Shii Ann business would've been dispatched quickly and Lex wouldn't have had any reason to start strategizing so early.

We move next to the reward challenge – but wait! It's an immunity challenge, too. Oh. My. God. They're combining challenges now. This is terrible for so many reasons. First, the challenges are the most compelling part of the show. Without two challenges, it might as well just be half an hour! (Well, it might as well be anyway, but still.) Burnett, the challenges are television with a capital T. You can't do without them. There should be three a week, or seven! That's the main reason this season has sucked so far; people keep walking off the show and depriving us of challenges. (From now on, the contract should say no quitting until after the challenge.) Also, the ability to vie for separate challenges opens up the possibilities for teams. They can win immunity and reward, or immunity and not reward, or reward and not immunity, or neither. This way, they can only win both or nothing. (Which is fine if there's a clearly superior team that you need to knock down a peg, but with the field as level as it is, it's dumb.) We all know how often a reward challenge victory can sweep a team into victory at the immunity challenge, especially if the reward is something that rejuvenates them physically. Taking that away also hurts the game. Plus, we're behind by two challenges at this point because of quitters, and we're going to catch up by combining challenges? Cuckoo! This is going to be the least challengy season on record! (However, it's cute watching Chapera read their [huff] "tree mail" together. It reminds me of the MENSA episode of The Simpsons – "Done." "Done." "Done." "Done." "Done." Amber: "Wait... okay, done.")

As Probst launches into his description of the day's challenge, it's clear that it's going to be another marathon of component obstacles, taking the usual four and a half hours to describe. At this point, I think the contestants listen to Probst describe the challenges in shifts, taking time off to hit the refreshment table and catch a quick nap. It would be so much nicer if they could watch the "pre-enactment" video clips that we see at home. Especially because some of those girls acting it out are hotter than the ones in the game! Where are they? Bring them out! I'll buy a calendar! Of course, Probst also has to reveal the twist which, while exciting, is exactly the same "kidnapping" twist we saw last season. Of course, in typical "I can do something with this" fashion, Shii Ann's eyes immediately flash with desire. (Yeah, cavorting with the other team worked so well for her last time.) She wants so badly to be picked, or at least that's what the editors want us to believe she's gawkily reacting to, and that's enough for me. I think it's predictable and hilarious that she likes it so much, because her strategy is to zig when she's expected to zag. Shii Ann, honey, just because it's unexpected doesn't mean you thought of it. Relax. (And she does, hitting the surface of that water like someone in a deep sleep. How can all these people qualify for Survivor when their concept of an artful dive is such a resounding belly flop? I've seen hamsters enter the water more gracefully.)

This challenge is composed of parts of previous challenges – as is the fashion. These portions are all pretty good, although it seems like a lot of the challenges that are getting repeated came from either the first season or the most recent one. Sadly, this time the challenge involves Rupert's achilles heel – puzzles. Remember the jolly roger puzzle he had to complete last time around? (If you don't, Johnny Bellring sure does!) Once again, I maintain that in these challenges where you have to collect the pieces one by one before assembling them, that the rest of the team should be trying to work out the puzzle in their heads while the swimmer is out retrieving a piece. It seems like a good way to get a head start, and it's not like you're doing anything else. Maybe cheering, but come on. Probst dutifully concentrates on his dense, ongoing play-by-play, which I think must be distracting and annoying to the competitors (although maybe that's the point). Underwater, Jerri incurs my unending disapproval by coming up for air before successfully unclipping her puzzle piece. That's something you just don't do. If it's a knot, okay, but with a simple clip, you stay down there until you have it unfastened. (From this point on, I can hardly blame Colby for putting all his attention on the Jerri problem.) Since the teams have to row their puzzle-boats to shore, run around a bit, and hustle back, this means that Probst briefly provides his commentary from afar, which is just about the funniest thing ever. Were I on either team, I would have worked very hard to broker a handshake agreement that the runners would measure out the time distance between them, and then everybody would just sit for a while and rest. (Then we could pick up where we left off, with the runners spaced exactly as they were, after our break.) There would be Probst, a few hundreds yards distant and without any influence, just chattering on: "The tribes are sitting down! Ethan is scratching his ear! Chapera's boat is still floating! Guys! Come back! Seriously!"

But no such luck from these losers. Chapera dashes back, exploiting the fact that Ethan is too stupid to use his machete to uncoil the oars from their ropes, and wins the challenge, selecting Kathy as their hostage. They just eat her up, they think she's the most wonderful thing ever. (Andy, don't email me.) At this point, a big white ship comes around the corner and Probst excites dwindly pale geeks everywhere by referring to it as a "luxury yacht." (A moment of silence in memory of Graham Chapman. Speaking of silly Brits, Ricky Gervais is guesting on Alias this week! I'll let you know how it goes when I watch the episode sometime in 2017!) Everybody climbs aboard and I giggle at the stark-white outfits worn by the crew. Somehow it makes such a delicious contrast to these scraggly, filthy beasts (and I don't just mean Rupert). As they climb aboard the yacht, Amber's flower-print bikini top is so dirty that it blends in with her skin tone and for half a second I think she's topless. (I have very pleasant dreams for many nights after that.) Of course, Chapera is delighted to gorge themselves at the feast and while I generally avoid the use of the expression "happy as a pig in shit," there's really no better way to describe Big Tom. Watching Rob pack his mouth full of food, I'm forced to turn away from Survivor in order to avoid puking, for the first time since Michael Skupin dove in that fire back in season two. The gluttony of Chapera in general is unbecoming, and I still think that eating so much so fast after so many days of subsisting on grubs and rice seems like it would be a shock to the system rather than any kind of energy benefit. Also, the excitement of this group when they're offered beer reminds me of the main reason I don't drink. Speaking of pirates – and if I wasn't, Rupert was – the music as Chapera sets sail sounds remarkably reminiscent (actionably reminiscent, in fact) of the rousing score for The Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl, which you may remember as having worse visual effects and sound mixing than The Lord of the Rings. But wait!

It's time for the all time favorite moment of Survivor editors – when they can contrast the thrill of victory with the agony of defeat. Here's Ethan, channeling Jim Caviezel as he hefts that symbolic Mogo Mogo banner with a cross shape back to camp. He calls himself the goat and can't stop blubbering about how he alone lost the entire challenge for Mogo Mogo. He's not wrong. (Ethan! Machete!) But I find it a little annoying that he won't shut up about it. In the meantime, Chapera's having a grand old time hitting "environmentally friendly" golf balls off the back of the boat, and grinning incessantly. Rob, the self-professed state golf champ, bounces on his drunk ass, and Tom continues to endear himself to women everywhere with his slurred epithets. The women of Chapera are bonding with Kathy, presumably because if they let her around the guys she'll shriek and puke, and it leads to another of those bizarre myths that somehow continue to be perpetuated in this game. Every time contestants from the two teams mingle like this, everybody is so concerned about getting information about the other team. But what would Chapera gain from knowing this about Mogo Mogo? Right now, their only interaction with the other team is at the challenges, and in that scenario there's no way to use their knowledge of who dislikes who. Maybe (maybe) this information could help them post-merge, but things change so fast that by the time the teams merge, all of this information will be outdated. I think it's silly for Chapera to spend so much time fishing for that gossip (time they could spend making Kathy like them, which would be beneficial after the merge). If anyone has an example of this information ever being used successfully, let's hear it; you watched more seasons than I did. Also, why is Kathy worrying so much about what Mogo Mogo will think of her when the reward is over? (After all, she didn't choose to go, Chapera chose her; why would Mogo Mogo hold that against her?) Anyway, fortunately for Chapera, Kathy does adore them despite their flaws. Something about jumping off a waterfall always gets her right here. Rob hurls an environmentally unfriendly 3 wood into the ocean, and Tom cackles with glee. Meanwhile, back at Mogo Mogo camp, Jerri and Shii Ann continue bickering, and Ethan asks if anybody is going to the Ragu Festival.

When the celebration winds down, it's time for business – the business of deciding who should be eliminated from Mogo Mogo. Can I just take all my votes for the entire rest of the show and put them all on Shii Ann now? Please? As noted, Colby has a sizable blind spot due to his frustrations with Jerri, and he makes the mistakes of a) targeting her and b) conspiring a little too transparently with Ethan. From the start, the boys' club appearance when he and Ethan and Lex put their heads together has been a problem – it makes the others feel left out and that increases their perception of the guys – particularly Colby and Ethan – as dominant, threatening, and due for overthrowing. This gets Lex scheming, which is admirable but misguided in my opinion. It's great to jostle the power structure, but you need to have a reason other than "I can." I think there's real potential for Jerri and Shii Ann (and Kathy, who's apparently close to them although god knows why) to recognize this masterminding and worry about Lex as a threat next. Not to mention Ethan who will be none too happy with him. In many ways, Lex would've done better to continue to pretend to be on Colby and Ethan's side, and get rid of useless people like Shii Ann and Jerri, then worry about the big guys. In a merge scenario, there will be plenty of new people who also stand to benefit from removing the physical titans. Jerri (who, again, is motivated more by revenge than by playing the game – an approach that unfortunately is working out for her much better than it has any right to) says she's "totally on board." Well, considering her options are a) totally on board and b) getting voted off, yeah, I'd say totally on board is probably a good call. Sheesh. But here's the best part of the week. Lex approaches Shii Ann and she needs to "think it over." He hands her a tremendous opportunity – she dislikes Colby and has no base with which to form an alliance against him – but can't appreciate that because she's too busy being jealous of Lex for coming up with a good idea on his own. She can't say yes to him right away because that would mean admitting that he's better at strategy than she is. (Sadly, she does eventually say yes; watching Lex's coup fail and watching Shii Ann alienate herself even further from, basically, everybody would have been a fun thing to see.)

CBS goes to commercial with all this intrigue hanging in the air, because the winter staff has to come in and remove the huge linen dropcloths from the dormant TribCon Treehouse and air out all the musty odors like that scene from The Age of Innocence. We're treated to a promotion for the upcoming CBS movie Family Sins with Kirstie Alley, and I'm wondering how they manage to fit her on the screen. There must be some sort of space-age trick photography.

And we're back! Tribal Council provides yet another example of last-minute pleading. Why, oh why? Doesn't everyone realize that all the alliances are formed in advance? After the first week, nobody's voting alone – nobody's vote is going to change at the last minute – so just shut up. Shii Ann comes out with, "I would not like to go at this time." "At this time"?? Who are you, Marcia Clark? This isn't a pretrial motion hearing, stooge! (And, at what time would you like to go anyway? Nobody wants to go; not now, not ever. Except Osten.) Lex's group wins, which is fine, it had to happen eventually, but I'm sad because I had just begun to like Colby and I will really miss his impeccable penmanship. Let's hope he ends up on Celebrity Jeopardy! because that's the only way I'll ever see it again. (Oo! Maybe Celebrity Rock-N-Roll Jeopardy! Get Probstin'!)

As the utterly pointless interview segments which precede the voting unfold, everybody is pretty clearly talking in veiled terms about eliminating Colby because he's a threat as the game moves toward the merge. (Again, all the votes are set by this point, so why not be open about it? "We're voting for Colby. We have the votes. He's going home." Sigh.) Probst picks up on this unsubtle hinting and asks Mogo Mogo if they're thinking about a merge. They, of course, are. I may regret this later, but if I'm right it will amaze and stun you all, so here goes. I'm going on record right now: I think there won't be a merge this season. You'll end up with one winner from each team and the jury will pick between them, or something. I don't know. But Burnett promised some real twists, and so far the twists have been pretty lame and most of them haven't come from him, they've come from Hatch, Jenna, and Sue. This kind of twist would dramatically change the way Survivor plays out, and it would completely overturn the strategies and expectations of the all-stars. The shift from team strategy to one-on-one strategy is the one thing that they could always count on in this game, and if Burnett is going to make this interesting with a cast of repeat players, he needs to surprise them and do it well. Also, Probst likes to make coy little hints like this, and asking if they're thinking about a merge fits right into his style. (Next week, if the merge happens, you can all make fun of me. But too many times I've correctly predicted something big and kept my mouth shut – if I'm right this time, there will be proof!)

Coming up next week: Shii Ann manages to make mention of (someone) "underestimating [her] powers." First of all, "powers"? God! But more importantly, it is really easy to feel underestimated when you spend all your time feverishly overestimating yourself. Even feeling merely estimated (which would be a serious overestimation of Shii Ann) still seems like underestimation to her. Oh, she is just going to be insufferable after this. ("See? I told you I could take down Colby." It! Was! Lex!) Jerri continues to talk about revenge instead of just shutting up and winning. And, the teams merge and you all make merciless fun of me. (At least the comments section will get some use!)

POLL:

Do the Probst!

When all this is over, what should Probst title his tell-all book about Survivor?

	The Tribe Has Spoken
	My Bamboo Prison
	Narrating Relentlessly
	Dammit! I Tried To Tell You! Non-cooperative Game Theory and the Nash Equilibrium, a reality-based case study
	This Is For Immunity

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