Fri, January 30, 2004

I "hate" Survivor. I don't really hate it. But I don't just "hate" it, either. The quotes are in quotes. I'm kidding on the square. Maybe, deep down, I do hate it and I hate myself for merely "hating" it. The point is, it's starting again on Sunday. Who wants to bet I can make it through this season without stopping?

Last season, I came damn close. Damn close. "Why do birds suddenly appear?" close. But my 2003 crashed into a large brick wall called The Holidays, and the first thing that was thrown clear of the wreckage was the remaining pair of Survivor columns. For a few weeks, I honestly thought I might go back and write them. They were going to be the fun ones, because of Johnny Gameruin's comeuppance and the gradual sudden emergence of the League of Women Voters. (I had been sitting on the column title "Grim Burton" for weeks, awaiting his ouster, and then I didn't use it because I slept that night instead of staying up until four in the morning writing the column by the dim, warm, embracing light of TiVo.) I really wanted them to get written. But, once enough time had passed, I no longer cared. That's the thing about Survivor – it's hard to care when you're so busy not caring. The show is great at keeping that momentum of interest moving forward during its run, but as soon as it's over, it's almost as though the spell has been lifted. It's kind of like the Democratic primary – you can't believe you ever wanted one of these dopes over the others.

So, I feel entirely justified in not caring enough about a completed Survivor season to write breathless recaps of its final episodes a few weeks after they aired. However, I do feel rather bad that I didn't write them back when I should have. So, I made a promise to myself that I would do better this time around, for my hard-core fans. My people... how they love me. Of course, I made this promise before I was reminded that this upcoming season is Survivor: All-Stars. Which, in a rather excessive stretch of the term "all-star," means that a bunch of past contestants – winners and losers – from Survivor will be returning to compete on another grand show, this time with half-again as many teams and 4450-4500% as many twists. The first thing I thought when I heard about this was that it is a fundamentally terrible idea. I continue to believe that it is a fundamentally terrible idea. But I'll be watching!

Here's why it's ridiculous: In the same way that The Real World lost its original immediacy as soon as everyone on The Real World had seen previous seasons of The Real World on TV, Survivor becomes a different game as soon as the contestants have watched Survivor on TV. (To wit, Johnny Asshat.) For example, imagine trying to make For Love or Money 3, now that everybody knows how For Love or Money ended. People would know that in the end, you pick the relationship or the cash, so the basic conceit of the game would be spoiled and the contestants would behave accordingly. It can't be done. With Survivor, a few things stave off this immediate spoilage. The main one is that watching Survivor is so different from playing Survivor. The contestants on Survivor: Australian Outback through Survivor: Pearl Islands may have had the advantage of seeing the game unfold, but they really didn't know what to expect until they were in the thick of it. Also, Burnett plays fast and loose with those twists, so even if you think you know what to expect, it might turn out to be a different game. But now, we're no longer talking about people who have watched Survivor on TV. We're talking about people who have played Survivor on TV. And, they're playing against other people whom they've watched play Survivor on TV. So, everyone's strategies are known; everyone's weaknesses are known; and the rules of the game are known. As Donald Rumsfeld says, there are known knowns and there are known unknowns, but there are also unknown unknowns. Survivor works because it is a game of unknown unknowns, and Survivor: All-Stars is basically a game of known knowns. Way to screw that up!

Now, Burnett says he has a whole new brand of twists ready to go for the returning contestants. Great. But, twists are part of Survivor. So the repeaters will be ready to expect the unexpected. Besides, they don't have twists. They're still the same people, and now everyone knows who everyone else is. Scheming and playing dumb won't work any more, because the endgames of the various previous Survivor seasons have laid bare all of the inner machinations and secret surprises. Thus, anyone who doesn't vote to eject Richard Hatch at the earliest possible opportunity deserves to be stabbed in the eye. No matter what, he's a bad idea to have around. Maybe you would have voted for him at the end of the first Survivor, because of "the way he played the game." (Which is ridiculous, but maybe you would've.) But now, you have to know that no matter what he's doing, he's manipulating you. Even if you don't think he is. (And even if he isn't, he thinks he is, which can be just as dangerous.) What a fundamentally terrible idea.

Hopefully, I'm dead wrong (like that ever happens) and the series will be incredibly gripping. I'm committed to chronicling it as a mea culpa for dropping the ball last time, so if it's any good it will be better for me. (Although, I suppose if I hate it, it will make for more enjoyable reading.) The thing is, I've only seen four out of the seven previous seasons, and the only ones I watched back-to-back are the first two. So, not only will the experience of watching All-Stars right after Pearl Islands be pretty new for me, but most of the people on the island will be known unknowns. What a drag. They should have Survivor Cliff's Notes for people in my situation. Although, I guess what I really need is: A life.

© onebee · all rights reserved