Tue, January 20, 2004

So, I bought a Nintendo GameCube. (Sorry, Mom.)

You know, I have a reputation as a person who makes snap decisions about spending armloads of money on frivolous things, but I contend that the characterization is not entirely accurate. I'm just usually pretty quiet about the frivolous things that I'm planning to spend armloads of money on, so when I buy them it seems like I just thought up the idea that very day. Now, it's true, my interest in owning a GameCube went up sharply on Thursday night when Andy mentioned that Nintendo had re-released the original Zelda on GameCube as a special promotion and I found it on eBay. Zelda! My first love! (That Andy; always with the good recommendations.) And the CEO of the Seattle Mariners had something to do with it. (More on that another time.) But it's not like it came out of nowhere.

As it turns out, I've been thinking about a new console game for quite some time; since around the days PlayStation 2 came out. I began considering the GameCube in earnest about five months ago, when "Entertainment Weekly" reviewed a game of theirs called Burnout 2: Point of Impact. (Sound like a late-80s Kiefer Sutherland/Beau Bridges cop movie to you? Me, too!) Anyway, "Entertainment Weekly" had excellent things to say about the game, and gave it an A – which is pretty rare in the movies and TV sections, so I have to assume it's no cake walk in the video games section either. So, I got the GameCube, and I got the Zelda special edition, as well as the new GameCube-only Zelda title, and – of course – I picked up Burnout 2, as well. Burnout 2 is a driving game, but unlike most speed-around-an-oval race games, it takes place on city streets and freeways (many of which are patterned after L.A. and Long Beach!), and the crashes in Burnout 1 were such a hit that now there's a whole section where you try to create the largest wreck. If you know anything about me, you know that this is the game for me. It even starts with six "offensive driving" lessons to teach you how to fishtail around corners and drive into oncoming traffic. (Like I needed lessons on the latter!) Now, Arksie has always defended my reckless driving, saying that maybe it's unorthodox, but he never feels imperiled. I contend that it's a matter of precision – I'm careful where I need to be, and not as much where I don't. Either way, riding with me is about to get a lot more fun. And, the good news is, now I'm trained on how to maintain control, so it will also be a lot safer! See?

Even in the racing sections, there's incentive to drive like a psycho (or, like me). The closer you come to other cars without hitting them, the more boost you earn; same for screeching around corners, "catching air," and driving in the wrong lane. Once you earn enough boost, you can use it to make your car go faster, which gives you an edge in the driving competition. There's a lot of traffic, so there are plenty of opportunities for close calls or accidents. And the crashes are so beautifully rendered that sometimes they're worth the slight time penalty. Plus, it's not easy, but you can swerve around and cause people behind you to wreck, which might cause a quagmire for your competitors. Whenever I'm in an accident during a race, I hope it's with a tractor trailer, so it will jackknife across all the lanes and provide a handy little net for capturing any other racers who may be coming along. That way, we're all even after the crash, rather than them getting an unfair lead just because I smashed into a few station wagons.

The gameplay is almost exactly what I would wish for. You have the ability to practice infinitely on the courses that are unlocked, or you can race the computer (or another player) on a single track or a circuit. Or you can just go to the custom crash areas and wreak havoc. After completing any event, you can watch a looping replay of it, which plays like a little movie. The movie is the same for the races each time it loops, but for the crashes it's a different series of angles every time. (It's like you're a stunt man – you go through all the action and then you get to watch the results. In fact, the crash mode feels very much like stunt coordinator training school; it's all about learning the best angle to smash one car into another in order to achieve the desired effect.) The graphics are spectacular, and the environments are very well designed with a lot of attention to detail. Also fantastic is the sound design, which takes full advantage of Dolby Pro Logic II (the first one really left it open for a sequel), and so cars whiz past you and into the surround speakers and everything. Plus, the "rumble" feature in the game controller works in concert with the subwoofer to shake your entire body when you crash or drive off the road. Awesome! The cars handle magnificently, and seem pretty close to what it must really be like to drive like that. (From what I've heard. I have no direct experience...) The only thing that's probably drastically different in real life is rolling over. Unless you crash, these cars are very resistant to rolling over in some situations where I think a real car would do it. Each of the cars handles differently, and I get the real sense that driving them in the game is a lot like what it would be like to drive them in real life. This is why I'm hoping there's a turbo Volvo S60 in there for me to unlock!

And, speaking of unlocking, we've reached my key complaint. You have to race your heart out and win a bunch of gold medals in order to open up most of the racetracks and all of the cars. I really wish it were possible to just enter a code and unlock those things so I could enjoy them now, and win the gold medals at my own pace. So far, I've won most of the golds I need, and the good thing is that the tracks are so fun to drive, it's really almost unnoticeable that you're being forced to do it. But it's a shame that you have to go about it only one way. It seems to me that if you buy the game you should get the whole thing, not just part of it. In the PlayStation (One) days, you could enter special key sequences to unlock game features, but these days you have to buy a custom input device to enter those codes, so I'll probably have to do it the hard way. The only other things that bother me are similarly minor, and have to do with the replay feature. It would be nice to have more control (pause, forward, reverse) in the replays, because usually there are a few areas that are worth reviewing but most of it is pretty standard. Ideally, the system would also store replays of your gold-medal runs. (This is just a matter of remembering the math for your path through the race, since everything else is a programmed response to your actions.) Also, having control of the viewing angle would be great, even if it were restricted to a few pre-defined choices. The angles used in the replays are great – they don't even cross the stage line! – but it would be cool to choose your own, particularly if you could see the race from the perspective of another motorist. For the racer, it's all go-go-go, but for these poor sots, they're just driving along and then WHAM! a bunch of cars come flying by at 150 miles an hour. I think that would be cool to experience.

The other drivers, by the way, are my favorite. (Here I'm referring to the "extras" in traffic, not the computer drivers you race against.) It reminds me of a special feature on the Being John Malkovich DVD, about drivers who were hired to drive cars back and forth on the turnpike during the filming of scenes at the "exit" part of the Malkovich experience. It also reminds me of a feature on the Matrix Reloaded DVD, about choreographing the freeway chase, especially in the crash feature. Anyway, these drivers are a pretty funny bunch. They're just so indignant! They like to honk at you when you drive too close to them, particularly in the opposite direction, and they are constantly flashing their headlights in disdain. First of all, who flashes their headlights when a car is bearing down on them at 120 mph? Shouldn't both hands be on the wheel, steering to safety? Besides, do I look like I'm unaware that what I'm doing is a tad risky? They're like the "society guy" on the yacht in Weekend at Bernie's – "That's illegal! What you're doing is illegal!" Well, duh. Get over yourselves! They have such a personality to them, so I'm constantly talking to them. (Part of this is my general self-entertainment; when I'm alone in the apartment, I'm always chattering aloud anyway.) Most of the time, I just yell at them like regular drivers on the 10, hassling them for speedmatching or getting in the way. But, whenever I accidentally hit one of them, and there's loud crashing and twisting metal, I feel like apologizing. "Yeah, sorry. That's probably my fault," I'll say, as I smash head-on into a giant bus. "After all, I was driving against traffic at upwards of 130 miles per hour. My bad." Or maybe, "Well, it was bound to happen. With me speeding through that tunnel in the wrong direction and all." It makes me giggle every time. The other thing that's great is that you can honk at them. As far as I can tell, there's no reason for the game to have this feature other than for fun. They don't seem to get out of the way or anything. It's pretty hilarious; whenever one of them gets into a big honking fit, I just honk back. It does sort of enhance the realism when I'm speeding through a red light in the wrong lane – in real life you would probably honk then, too, and in real life there wouldn't be much reason for it. You have to hand it to these drivers, though. They're pretty cool and collected. Sure, they'll slam on their brakes if there's an obstruction, but they generally don't swerve around a lot when you pass them going the wrong way. There's a lot we can learn from these faceless drivers. (And all the cars, including mine, are unoccupied, by the way. It's kind of like Duel but it also removes the blood and gore and earns the game an "E" rating. All of which are good things.) It's interesting that, among the stock vehicles, there are logging trucks (like in the beginning of Christmas Vacation) and tankers and 18-wheelers. So, all of these are present driving around the departure terminal drop-off in the scene that takes place at the airport. It makes me laugh seeing so many huge trucks, especially the tankers. Tom Ridge would have a fit!

The game is full of great little details like that. For example, as with most racing games that aren't set on a racetrack, there are certain side streets and off-ramps that are off limits. The game indicates these with glowing red X's or green arrows indicating the right way to turn. But on top of that, the turn signal on your car starts blinking, as a nice little reminder. It's a small thing, but it's so convenient, and it sets a good example that you should always use your turn signal. It's as useful when you're skidding across five lanes of oncoming traffic as it is when you're making a left out of the grocery store parking lot. Another detail is in the sound effects. In the airport race, I take a shortcut that takes me down a hill against traffic, then through a gas station, between the islands (which, sadly, don't explode if you hit them; I tried), and out the other side, up an on-ramp, and into the drop-off lane. Between the gas station pavement and the on-ramp are a line of orange cones, presumably because traffic on the on-ramp is probably too fast for someone pulling out of a gas station. So, I blow through these at about 120 mph. And, unless I squeeze between them, a couple of them go flying. They probably land on the other side of the airport, but I never see; they really take off! Anyway, as they do, there is a terrific little "punt" that sounds just perfect. I really live for that sound!

The first time I tried "Time Attack," which is the infinite practice option, I noticed this odd "phantom" car that showed up on the track near me at one point. It was kind of see-through, and had a red arrow hovering above it. At first, I couldn't figure it out, because I was so unfamiliar with the new track, I hadn't realized that I'd finished a lap. But then I realized, it's a representation of where my car was at this point in my previous lap. (And if you're familiar with the "Another Universe" column, you know how giddy I was to discover that.) Anyway, in the moment that it dawned on me, I said, without thinking, "Ah. The Winter Me." Now, whenever I see it, I laugh and laugh about that line. You probably had to be there, to see how completely unconscious the line was – how I said it without thinking of Seinfeld first, and then applying the line to be funny. I just said it. You probably also had to be there when Dana Gould originally uttered the line on Seinfeld, referring to George Costanza. But anyway, just another element of the game which tickles me greatly. Then, I started doing races, and the Winter Me went away, but there were three other real cars racing around, so I could keep my eye on them instead. It's uncanny the resemblance to some of the wide shots from the freeway chase in Reloaded. Because most of the cars in the frame are just driving along ("No! I can't feel my legs!" "Oh. My. God." "New guy's in the corner puking his guts out.") but a few are zipping through and executing all sorts of crazy maneuvers as they chase after each other.

Man, is this game is the best! I totally love it, and it's a good thing that I have to go to work because otherwise, I'd be crippled with RSI in no time. It really makes me want to try out some of what I've learned, although of course I know better. Some stuntman really should have a stunt driving school, though. I would love to learn all the tricks to driving like a maniac, including that beautiful J-turn. When I was watching the special features on the Italian Job DVD, it made me think what a great idea that would be. I hope someone does it. By the way, how many references to DVD special features is too many? No wonder I can't get a date – picture me at dinner, "You know, this salad reminds me of a really funny anecdote from the Cider House Rules DVD..."

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