Wed, November 26, 2003
Rot and Death
Hey! Rupert's not as universally adored as he thought! (Also – fields and fields of wheat... I mean, many, many spoilers!)
I generally try to keep spoilers out of the subhead or the first few lines, just in case. But then, as with most things, my version of "try" is a long way from "try very hard." I think I spilled the beans on Michelle in the homepage blurb. (In my defense, I was heartbroken and I'd lost the will to live. Dammit, all Michelles have that effect on me! [By the way, if you're looking forward to the end of the Michelle references, feel free to swing back by the site again in – say – ten years or so. Or you can login to PayPal and contribute to my Frontal Lobotomy Fund. Don't think you're the only one that wants me to forget about her!]) So, while I kinda sorta defend this week's subhead as vague enough that maybe it doesn't indicate that Rupert was the one voted off this week, I don't really care. I mean, the new episode airs tonight, for crying out loud.
I sort of liked Rupert. (I was going to start off the whole column with that, which is why I started thinking about how strongly I'm hinting at major spoilers in the early lines. But now, not.) At first, I was frightened and irritated by him. Later, I adored him. Later still, he got on my nerves a little because of how affected most of his behavior became, but I still liked him a lot, mostly because Miss Alli turned on him so completely. I mean, if you're going to watch Survivor (especially if you're going to recap it for TWoP, which – as I understand it – means watching each episode at least three times), you should be able to enjoy how idiotic most of the contestants are. Miss Alli likes to allude to Sars's quote that The Amazing Race is not The Amazing Montessori School. Well, in the same way, Survivor is not Well-Scripted TV Adventure About Sixteen People, All of Whom You Really Like. It's a 24/7 imposition into the lives of people who want to be on television. It should come as no surprise that they have strong personalities – that's what the casting director was told to look for – and it shouldn't amaze you that they are often unpredictable as they attempt to adjust to brutal living conditions while playing a strategy game, being on TV, and trying to manipulate other players. So, Rupert was kind of an ass. I enjoyed it because in many ways he had a right to feel like the game was "his." And the argument that his fishing skills weren't so important because anybody else could have picked up the spear and learned to fish is silly because despite multiple opportunities, nobody else ever did. You can't hold him accountable for their laziness. She loves to point out how he applies a double standard, letting his friends off easy for behavior that – from others – arouses a screaming match; but she does the same thing, holding Rupert accountable for things she lets the others get away with. (If you're watching Survivor and you're not reading Miss Alli's recaps, you really should be. They're great, even if she can be maddening, and they're very funny because she gets to make all the jokes I'd make if my columns were focused on synopsizing events rather than... whatever it is I focus on.)
So, I liked Rupert. Out of the eight people who remained at the beginning of this week, I liked him second or third from the most. But, did he deserve to go? Kind of. It's really no secret that those contestants who are viewed as the most threatening will at some point become targets of the others. Their job is to either form large enough and strong enough alliances that they can still win Tribal Councils at this point, or to pass themselves off as less threatening so the others don't figure it out. Rupert failed on both counts, and his ouster is a consequence of that. It was clear from the beginning that Rupert did not have the sort of personality that would allow him to downplay his Survivor prowess. Therefore, it was vital for him to keep a very close watch on all the alliances – his included – to make sure that he could always defeat any uprising against him. He made the error of believing his own press a little too strongly, so he thought nobody could ever not love him and he stopped paying attention to the strategy. I think he was entirely genuine when he said, "I can't believe that" during the Probstian Snuff of Final Rejection.
But I digress. (Is it possible to "pregress"?) This week's column was held up by the fact that I was out late Thursday night suffering a brutal yet gentlemanly defeat in the game of Texas Hold 'Em at the hands of one ARCC Joe Mulder. Ah, Survivor. Bringing friends together to prey on each other's congenital inadequacies. There are plenty of worse ways to lose $5. Anyway, then it was the weekend. Who writes on the weekend? And then I worked from home on Monday – which is basically like a weekend, since it means a hot lunch in front of the TiVo. Who writes on the weekend? Oh, yeah. ARCC Joe Mulder does. Well, that's what I was doing Sunday night when I should've been writing my Survivor column! I was pasting a blonde wig on Roger Clemens. Sorry, kiddies, duty calls. So, anyway, here we are. It's Survivor-Daylight-Savings week and I'm losing a day because of the damn pilgrims, so I have to stay up late and bang this mother out or else!
The obvious story this week is Rupert. He continues his ever-worsening trend of mismanaging his image, his behavior, and his alliance; and the result is his elimination. We even get to see an extended vigil from Rupert, thinking about his family and worrying over just how cutthroat island life has become. All of this falls under Burnett's patented Massively Unsubtle Foreshadowing. I've said plenty on the Rupert subject already. I won't bow to the obvious story.
Instead, I choose to focus on the strategy of the others, and how it fails to make a whole lot of sense. Burton, for example, is grasping at anyone who'll ally with him to eliminate Rupert. Not a terrible move (certainly not an unsuccessful one), but if this is really the part of the game where you start focusing on how you relate to the future jury, I think he needs to take more measured steps. He should be creating a larger alliance which is made up of smaller alliances, so as the numbers dwindle he always has someone else to blame for one of his "allies" being voted out. Lil, well we know her strategy: stop thinking altogether, and just wander around the island bonking off of things like one of those wind-up monkey toys. She appears to offer herself to Burton as a willing enactor of any plan he puts in front of her, but once he tells her what to do she acts all confused and bungles her way through it. Darrah and Tijuana are not far behind; their strategy differs from Lil's in just one significant way. Rather than wandering around the island, they're lying around the island. Otherwise, it's the same. (Is it possible to lie down and bonk off of things? Well, they manage to.) When approached with the awesome plan of voting for Rupert, they're all excited like it actually means something to them. Lil (ever blundering) manages to say to Tijuana, "I'd love to put off voting for you for a week." So, in effect, she's telling Tijuana, "It makes no difference to me, why not vote for you the week after Rupert, instead of the week before?" And Tijuana just beams and says, "Hey, great!" Uh, you're still gone next week, honey. Self-preservation is a great strategy, but it can't be your only strategy in a game with only one winner. She and Darrah owe it to themselves to think fast before their fate is mathematically sealed. I don't think it would be fun for either of them to win, but it sure would be interesting if they could start playing just in time to take advantage of the Drake implosion.
Of course, Sandra and Christa aren't doing much better. They keep plotting against Rupert, but never seriously enough to consider what will keep them in the game once he's gone. Meanwhile, they staunchly reject the idea that anyone could plot against Rupert. Even faced with direct evidence of Jon and Burton scheming to convince Lil to vote against him, Sandra insists that she just doesn't "see it happening." First of all, what? Why wouldn't everyone on the island be exploring every possible avenue towards his or her own victory? And second, how can the concept of conspiring to vote against Rupert be so inconceivable when you are in fact conspiring to vote against Rupert, yourself? And Jon. Oh, Johnny Fairplay. He really thinks he has everything under control. He's just so satisfied with himself, especially on any one of the many occasions that Burton takes to tell him that he'll be in the final two. (As someone who frequently espouses the strategy of telling everyone that you want to be in the final two with them, Jon sure does take it seriously from Burton.) What I don't understand is: when is someone going to realize that being selected as another contestant's choice for the final two is not a sign of respect? Every season, it's the same thing. The selected competitor is so elated. "He loves me! He wants to be in the final two with me!" But, friend – that's not his way of saying, "If I can't have the money, I want it to go to you, buddy ol' pal." It's his way of saying, "People may not like me, but they sure as hell won't vote to give you the million dollars." Expecting anybody to vote for Jon is like expecting retired Jewish senior citizens to vote for Pat Buchanan for president. It'll never, ever happen. (Okay, maybe once.)
The way things play out this week, everybody is so busy flitting around the island and scheming with everyone else, there's not much time for any other activity. It's surprising that Rupert doesn't have more of a clue, but maybe he simply realizes that there's nothing he can do. If Burton has the numbers, then that's the ball game. Rupert makes a valiant effort to strongarm the vulnerable, mopey Lil. But who else represents a swing vote? She's his only shot, and whether or not he believes that he has her vote, it's clear that he does all he can to influence her. He just really doesn't have anything to offer. He keeps leaning on the fishing thing, and it's a valid point – except that it's late enough in the game that the remaining contestants could starve on no food for the last week or so and still be okay. The only thing you can offer now is a chance to stay in the game. Note how successfully that entices Tijuana and Darrah. (Well, they're also enticed by the concept of more lying around. The smart response to the Burton/Jon proposal might've been to tattle to Rupert and help him eliminate Burton, with the assumption that Rupert's crumbling alliance will be easier to take down in the future than Burton's alliance, which is in the process of growing stronger. But, Burton's people came to them, which saves a lot of unnecessary walking.)
The reward challenge provides plenty of entertainment, though. It's active enough that it represents a welcome (if brief) escape from the scheming. It's positively hilarious that Jon misses a task as simple as ringing a bell and has to climb back up the canvas sheet to do it. I love it almost as much as the hate-bot does. But I have to admit that, amidst a series of challenges this season that have been incredibly gay, a requirement that the teams ring a little bell is just another gay flourish to provide a way to screw them up. I'm no fan of Jon's, but it's not really his fault. Who cares about a little bell? However, you're there to compete in a Survivor challenge, and this is what Survivor challenges are like. It's similar to that test they gave us in 6th grade. Remember? The sheet of paper with about twenty different items on it, of varying complexity, and at the top it says "read all the instructions before starting," except nobody reads the instructions first so they start going through and working all the problems, when really the last instruction says, "if you read all the instructions before starting, then turn your paper over and put your head down; you can skip the other stuff." Remember? (Oh, man, I looked like a genius in 7th grade when I had seen it before and knew to actually read the instructions.) The point is: the bell is a ridiculous requirement, but in a game of ridiculous requirements, being expected to focus on the dopey minutiae for a few minutes is really not so much to ask. If Jon weren't such a smug prick – and his oversight of the bell-ringing requirement not so clearly a byproduct of his arrogant glee at leading his heat – it would be pretty hard to fault him for such a small error.
Of course, it gets even better when Burton and Lil win and they screw up the donation of their prize to others. Overall, the ability to bequeath your immunity or reward to another contestant has been largely overlooked until this season, and it's mainly due to Rupert and his whole "I'm a Drake first and a human being second" mentality that it's taken off. (Well, Drake first; partially shaven grizzly in a skirt, second... human comes in around sixth.) So, it's no big surprise that Lil wants to keep hers. She won it; that's what you do. What's odd is that, after making a big deal out of how he's planning to give his to Rupert, Burton gives his to Jon. I'm not saying don't give it to Jon. (Well, I am saying that; I'm also saying hit Jon with a hammer.) I'm saying don't promise it to Rupert first. It's not so much mean as just weird. Of course, if Rupert realized what a whiny, sniveling blob Lil would turn out to be, he would probably thank Burton. My favorite exchange:
Lil (to Jon): All right. I'm here to do whatever you and Burton tell me. Just tell me what to do and I'll do it, no problem.
Jon: Good. It's very simple. Just vote for Rupert.
Lil: Okay, problem.
Hee! She's such a colossal dope! What did she think it was going to be, "go sit quietly by yourself and write a story about how much you love candy and fluffy kitties?" She's so gung-ho about doing her part in the strategy, but as soon as that means doing anything that might hurt someone, she winces and/or sobs. Also, I don't know if it's a misguided element of her personal strategy or what, but she really seems to like making the men feel big and strong by acting helpless. On a fishing trip where the guides cast the line and put the rod in a holder for you, she still manages to be overwhelmed. "What happens if I get one?" she worries. Isn't she a scoutmaster? What do her scouts do, exactly? Watch The View and make Shrinky Dinks? Shouldn't she have some familiarity with outdoorsmanship? As a scoutmaster, she's girlier and less scout-ish than the Scoutmaster villain in the Radioactive Man movie. You know, the one with the Paul Lynde-inspired voice.
Well, anyway. Apparently she manages to pull herself together, because at TribCon everything goes according to plan for Burton's team. Rupert's team effectively dissolves, with Sandra voting for Jon in a move that only makes sense if you assume Sandra was hiding in a cave for the rest of this week's events. As usual, Probst tries to weasel his smirking grin into the proceedings by needling at the contestants and hoping someone will slip up. He goes after Darrah, who knows that Rupert will be voted out, but is supposed to pretend that she thinks it's her. She's far better at acting than Lil was last week. ("At our BREAKFAST, I did all the TALKING and you just SAT there! Whoo!") Then again, Ryan Phillipe as Joey Lawrence in the Nick Nolte story would still feature better acting than Lil's. It's not hard. Darrah just lowers her head and mutters her response, taking her chafing drawl to new levels of incomprehensibility. Seething, she glares at Probst as if to say, "You differentiate the syllables, pretty-boy! I dare ya!"
And then – poof! – Rupert's gone. "So much for my dreams," he says. Apparently, the only way Rupert's life could ever move forward was with the million dollars. Percy Ross, expect a call.
And we're left to pick up the pieces. By this point, I'm no longer such a Rupert fan that it makes any difference to me that he's gone. But with these whimpering losers remaining, it's hard to know who to root for. From the look of things, Burton is the only remaining competitor clinging to any semblance of a plan. It will be interesting to see what all the hullabaloo from the previews is about.
© onebee · all rights reserved