Mon, November 3, 2003
Best! Challenge! Ever!
Andrew really misses his Misfits CD. (Also, many, many spoilers!)
This is what I'm talking about! This is what Survivor was meant to be! This almost excuses the last two mewling, near-unwatchable episodes! Burnett finally reveals that when he said "lots of twists," he actually meant lots of twists. This week's episode centered entirely around one challenge, so let's get to it!
After Rupert creates a brief diversion with a display of hostility that is almost sure to make him TribCon fodder very soon, the teams head to a challenge which we can assume they figure to be a reward challenge. However, once they arrive, it's clear that they can just go right on ahead and forget everything they thought they knew about Survivor, because Burnett's legions of minions have clearly spent their entire summer in the twist mines, whipping the indentured native servants and forcing them to haul out twists in quantities and sizes heretofore thought unimaginable. As usual, the twists threaten to turn the game on its ear and nullify all strategies up to this point. As usual, the arrangement takes four hours and a pile of Perry Mason diagrams stacked as high as your hip to explain properly.
It boils down to this: the six contestants already eliminated are back to compete in this challenge, and any team they beat will trade one of its current members for one of theirs. So, potentially two ousted competitors could be returning to the game. (Oh, and if they do, each returning team member will be immune at the first TribCon, in order to guarantee they make it to the merge, if there is one.) Probst promises the members of Drake and Morgan that the other team (self-dubbed "Outcasts," in a naming choice that actually makes "Drake" and "Morgan" look creative) has subsisted on diminished meals since they've been out of the game, so they won't have a health advantage. In Probst's words, they've been eating "very limited rations ... like you." Well, like Drake. Morgan hasn't been eating anything. And it's doubtful that the ejected contestants were sleeping in the sand in the rain or competing in challenges of physical strength, so they are definitely in better shape than Drake or Morgan, no matter how you slice it. Now, it's time for another forty-minute PowerPoint presentation, as Probst lays out the challenge itself. It's a verbatim rehash of the one I've seen in every Survivor I can remember – the competitors are placed in bamboo cages and have to dig their way through, releasing their teammates along the way, then construct bamboo rods to retrieve keys that will open doors.
The teams, as usual, don't bring much in the strategy department. They frequently forget to untie each other first and then move on to digging, building, or carrying things. Hey, guys! More hands are always helpful! From the start it is, as usual, quite obvious that Drake is in the lead – and that Morgan has allowed the fact that they're in a competition to slip their minds entirely. The gap widens, the Outcasts gain, and I start screaming for a commercial break to allow the tension to dissipate a little. With three teams competing, the editing is even more frenetic, and it's virtually impossible to tell what's going on. I'm more invested than ever in the outcome, because there's the potential for Morgan to lose something while Drake gains something. (I'm wishing hard for Drake to beat the Outcasts, who beat Morgan, just so we can subtract Osten, add Michelle, and then merge the teams for a phenomenal second half.) The Outcasts eke out a win, meaning there will be three consecutive Tribal Councils – one to oust a Drake, another to cut loose a Morgan, and a third to elect two Outcasts to step into their places. Probst conspicuously refuses to explain how it will be decided which Outcast goes to which team after the vote, but there's a lot that doesn't make sense.
For instance, why the hell do the healthier Outcasts get to compete with six members, while the other teams only have five apiece? Is that sitting-out rule ever going to come into effect when it would actually make sense, or is it around just to piss me off? When it comes time to tie those rods together and reach for keys, you'd better believe another set of hands makes a big difference. Also, what would have happened if Drake and Morgan were 6-and-4 at this point? If any doubt ever existed (it didn't) that the challenges were rigged to get the teams to even numbers by this point, this twist pretty much closes that case. And how will the Outcasts' TribCon go? We can assume that voting for yourself is still verboten (an obvious six-way tie), but will they have one election, or two? I think with six people, it's pretty tough to expect a "two people with the highest number of votes" scenario to play out without many, many ties. So, will they vote for one person, and then the remaining five vote for another? Will they have to use the confusing butterfly ballot? And on what will they base their votes? Half of them don't know the other half. (We can assume they were sequestered from one another in their down time.) How does anyone campaign that he or she is more deserving to go back in? That's what's great about this week's episode, it lays the groundwork for a super enthralling sequence of events next week.
One way or another, I guess it's all going to work out. In the meantime, the teams exhibit two very different approaches to dealing with the outcome of the challenge. At Morgan, it's Piss, Moan, and Quit time, while at Drake it's all about presumptuous condescending displays of power. Andrew is boiling over with vitriol about the possibility of one of the ejected Morgans returning. (Theoretically, two ex-Drakes could be voted back. I think.) He continues to fume with hatred for Ryan, even more inexplicably than before. (My guess? He's embarrassed that his choice of Osten over Ryan turned out to be a disaster and he's looking for someone to blame.) Osten seizes the opportunity to ask yet again that his team send him home, and this time they're just irritable enough to go for it. (Looks like that little ego play backfired this time! What, you mean you're not all going to tell me what a strapping adonis I am and beg me to stay and show you to victory?) Over at Drake, Rupert, Christa, and Sandra are just as self-involved, but not crazy enough to put their heads on the chopping block. They decide they'll get Shawn and Jon to give brief justifications (รก la American Beauty) for their continued existence. Shawn immediately begins a smear campaign, attacking Jon's character for his obvious scheming and general punkery. In an interview, Shawn mentions that he's going for Jon now because (allow me to interrupt here... possibly because it's him or you and to not go for him would be to drive your now-familiar Truck of Stupidity right off the Pier of Self-Sabotage and into the Waters of Eviction?) because "you can only mess with me so long before I come back and get you." Huh? This reminds me of the tag line for the 2002 J.Lo movie Enough. "Everyone has a limit." Based on the trailer, it was clear that J.Lo's limit is after her psychopath husband physically and emotionally abuses her and her daughter, but before he blocks her ATM card. Odd limit. Shawn's is similarly baffling – dude, if this smug punk has been blocking your chances at a million dollars, getting in your face repeatedly, and fighting to the point where it affects your group's ability to dominate challenges, I'd say he's been messing with you long enough. On the island, there aren't any ATM cards, bro.
When the time comes, Probst is scheduled for so many Tribal Councils in a row that he has to send the hate-bot to meet with Morgan in his stead. I agree that Osten is reprehensible for being such a whiny baby about his team's early losses that even when they're turning things around he refuses to play along. I think it's preposterous that Morgan gets any credit for finally giving him the boot when they could've done it in week two. (Remember, the first time Osten started begging to quit? Apparently that difference between saying you quit and actually quitting includes a third option where you actually actually quit.) And I think it's ingenious the way he's forced to sit through an extended discussion of his monumental pussitude in a wet rain. (You can actually see him worrying feebly about that dreaded Pneumonia Blitzkrieg.) But I still think Probst (even the hate-bot sitting in) is an ass. He simply takes Survivor way too seriously. Osten deserves whatever indignity is coming to him, but it dulls the teeth of his dressing-down when the hate-bot is only doing it because Osten hasn't shown proper respect to The Game. Yes, thousands of people tried very hard to get a spot that only sixteen lucky souls could manage. Yes, Osten brings new depth to the meaning of "poor sportsmanship," and as a team player he fails to technically play for his actual team. But this isn't about sportsmanship and honoring the pirate spirits, Probst. You're starting to sound like Rupert. It's about playing a silly game for TV, and Osten's personality – undesirable as it is – is a part of that TV drama. Osten's friends and family should ostracize him. (Hee.) Morgan should hate him (and themselves for not being rid of him sooner). But hate-bot needs to cool it on the whole show-Survivor-some-respect angle. (However, Osten's gone! Hooray!)
In the Drake TribCon, votes are actually cast, rather than the bizarro Forfeiture Ceremony that Morgan has. It's weird because all the footage back at camp indicated that Drake was leaning towards eliminating Jon (with good reason), but they go for Shawn anyway. So, I guess the only thing we really learn about Drake is that the elevation of their sleeping platform has, from the look of Christa, ameliorated the insect situation rather handily. I'm shocked that Rupert doesn't turn the vote on Jon. Maybe Jon's strategy of cowering before Rupert's tirade actually pays off. I kept thinking at the time that Jon was crazy not to say "Yeah, I did vote for you. We're all here to play a game." Instead, he just stood there while Rupert yelled so loud you could still hear him behind Christa and Sandra's conversation. But maybe his fake remorse is enough to win Rupert over. Seems like a really stupid decision to me, at a time when Rupert's power base is shrinking and an unpredictable element being added back to the team. However, there are so many unresolved questions at this point, that it's impossible to know what to expect next. There are still two more days that should've been included in this episode – so, perhaps another Tribal Council right away? At this point, it's entirely possible that there will be no merge, and one winner each from Drake and Morgan will be subject to an American Idol-style national phone vote. I just hope the twists keep coming because it makes the show infinitely more riveting, plus it would be cool if the ousted contestants were to come back again in the future, this time with Osten participating in the drawing-and-quartering challenge.
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