Fri, October 17, 2003

I now realize that the only way any of this new season information could have been useful to you is if I had made it available right away so that you could start watching the good shows. Unfortunately, back when it would have mattered, the requisite perspicacity eluded me. Instead, my aforementioned disappointment in the comedies compelled me to keep watching the dramas in the hopes that some of them would eventually make passable additions to my TV lineup. In the case of the following, that hasn't been the case so far. However, if you're in the market for new dramas, take a peek at Joan of Arcadia and Karen Sisco. So far, they're the front-runners for me. (And, cheating a bit and reaching back into last season, it's still not too late to start enjoying Without a Trace.)

10-8

(ABC, 8:00 Sundays)

This season, you can almost hear the television executives saying "make it more accessible!" TV shows are responding by focusing overwhelmingly on shared conventions ("moving in" in sitcoms, Meaningful Staring Silences in drama) in order that the programs become essentially interchangeable. As a result of my overexposure, these Meaningful Dramatic Moments have become outrageously absurd. It's like "dialogue-dialogue-dialogue–BAM! (Stern, glaring silence of dramatic twist.)" So, starting with Cold Case I began inserting the show's title as a sort of "In your face!" to whichever character was being excoriated by the shameful silence. If you want to play along at home, you just stage-whisper the show title like Mary Katherine Gallagher at the end of an SNL sketch. When the detective turns to the suspect with that glare that seems to say "Oh yeah?!" you just hiss "Cold Case!" It's remarkably fun and gets even better with the shows that don't roll off your tongue like Joan of Arcadia or The Brotherhood of Poland, New Hampshire. From this was born the 10-8 convention of bellowing "Sandovallll!" at the top of my lungs like the soccer announcer guy every time Miguel Sandoval enters a room. Sandoval is the portly, Hispanic character actor you've seen as countless drug kingpins in films like Clear and Present Danger and Get Shorty. He was unceremoniously Rifkinned in the first season of Alias and therefore entered the ranks of character actors whose last name takes on a giddily powerful significance. I mention it because he's the Captain on 10-8 and "Sandovallll!" is the only thing the show has going for it. It tries to be a serious cop show with lots of dopey wisecracks but fails miserably. And, built as it is on the star power of Danny Nucci (Gut-Shot Ethnic Stereotype #644 from Titanic), the show was quite simply hobbled before it got out of the gate.

Threat Matrix

(ABC, 8:00 Thursdays)

There is plenty of bad television out there. Overproduced procedural shows abound. Plenty of shows – from Las Vegas to C.S.I. – make use of "clever" computer-generated transitions to stand in for compelling or well-constructed stories. It's entirely common for actors to speak in stern tones in order to imply meaning that couldn't manage to be hammered into the script's actual words. Threat Matrix, however, manages to cross the line between bad television and downright irresponsible television. It portrays the Department of Homeland Security as a bustling black-ops force with the latest technology, co-ordinated intelligence from all branches of U.S. law enforcement, shimmering cavernous offices, and a limitless budget. Yep, the same DHS that in reality consists of a toothless bureaucrat, a color chart, and a phone tree to route calls straight to the NSA, CIA, or FBI. In fantasyland, it sprung up fully formed the moment the phrase passed President Bush's razor-thin lips, and ever since, it's been kicking serious terrorist ass in ways that never made the papers. As "stat" is to ER, so "AQ" is to Threat Matrix. (That's "al Qaeda," to you and me, the Johnny Lunchpails that have free time to sit around pronouncing extra syllables all day thanks to the freedom that Almighty God and John Ashcroft so generously provide.) The show's current-events buzzwords and "real life events" disclaimer aim to solidify it as a plausible representation of the true DHS. Between that tone and the repeated close-call terrorist-thwartings that unfold secretly without the public getting a whiff of danger, the show runs the apparently intentional risk of giving its viewers a false sense of security and a distorted sense of the successes of the Bush administration and its Department of Homeland Security and Patriot Act. Not to mention the implication that we're threatened with large scale terrorist plots on a weekly basis and nobody ever tells us about it. It blurs an already murky line between actual events and the reality the White House hopes we'll believe. That sounds bad to me.

Untitled David E. Kelley Project

(CBS, 10:00 Wednesdays)

Yeah, I know the actual title is The Brotherhood of Poland, New Hampshire, but I refuse to acknowledge that because it's just a ridiculous attempt at being super-long in order to seem "quirky." Á la the insanely, unpronounceably long Eight Simple Rules [commercial break] for Dating My [coronary event]. How do I know it's not just me overreacting again? The show even refuses to refer to itself by the full title. The opening credits feature the words "Brotherhood," "Poland," and "New Hampshire" floating horizontally across the screen. I think UDEKP was created just so Kelley could remind us all that he staked out the quaint, goofy, small-town dramedy long before Ed came along and made it watchable, funny, and good. The show boasts an impressive cast although in my opinion so far the kids are the only ones delivering. It's a little uncomfortable how much of the show focuses on the brothers, and how they control everything and yet bicker constantly. They also fall into the same three pat roles each week, which is beginning to grate. And, while Ann Cusack is a marvelous stand-in for Talented Cusack Out of Price Range, the other wives are, sadly, irritating. Kelley, the man who gave rise to my frothing, bilious hatred for Kathy Baker, has now focused his sights on Mare Winningham and Elizabeth Montgomery. Thanks!

The Lyon's Den

(NBC, 10:00 Sundays)

Boy, do we all owe Rob Lowe a tremendous apology! A few months ago when he announced his departure from The West Wing, we scoffed such remarks as, "You really think you'll have a career in television outside this show?" and generally all-around whined about how it wasn't fair for him to abandon a great role on a fantastic show. Then, when the previews for The Lyon's Den started airing we puffed up our chests with "Toldja So"s because of how obvious it was that the show's lack of interesting plot or characters was being compensated by lighting and shooting it exactly like The West Wing, and setting it a few blocks away. Well, considering the state of the Under New Management West Wing so far, Lowe would have looked exactly as self-righteous and absurdly wooden in the Sam Seaborn part as he does in the Jack Turner part on Den. The only difference is that Seaborn had much better hair. The Lyon's Den is not as terrible as a TV drama could possibly be (after all – David Krumholtz? no complaints), but it manages to pander an awful lot of the time. And it features Kyle Chandler (Early Edition, What About Joan? – I didn't even have to look those up!) and Frances Fisher (Titanic) as villains too starkly unidimensional even for soap opera. It plays into attorney archetypes so hackneyed that even David Kelley has grown tired of using them. It feels just a little too much like The Firm, and the CGI lettering that's meant to trick us into believing the firm's name is etched in 15-foot lettering near the top floor of its building looks like a ten-year-old did it on his PC. It makes me cringe (and yell a lot) every time it comes on. I watched three episodes and I'll watch a fourth because the ending of the third promises something which could be sorta compelling. But watching a show like this really doesn't set a good example. Do as I say, kids, and not as I do.

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