Sat, September 20, 2003

This week we're hearing again from the American Teleservices Association. This is a group who, to paraphrase Dave Barry, could stand to brush up on the definition of "services." It's an organization representing companies that do business in a field which those of us who are a little less doublespeak-challenged refer to as "telemarketing." On the eve of the October 1 deadline for the new nationwide Do Not Call registry, the ATA is holding its annual convention, and spending plenty of time griping about the regulation.

For the most part, the telemarketers complain about the fact that they will be losing business as a result of the new list of numbers they're not allowed to dial. They tell us that they will have to cut costs and employees will lose their jobs. Excuse me, but Boo-Fucking-Hoo. I sympathize with the employees, to the extent that it's possible to feel bad for some jerk who has signed on to knowingly call and annoy people. But I don't feel sorry for the companies who hire them. They should know that an industry based on interrupting and annoying thousands of people per day is not an industry with a solid footing. Any investment in the long term viability of the telemarketing model is speculative at best. After all, it's only through a combination of low overhead and speed dialing technology that telemarketers have so far managed to eke out a profit from a business model where the majority of contacts respond by angrily hanging up the phone. Maybe there was a time when a bright, prosperous future for telemarketing seemed possible, but these days advertising abounds and privacy is becoming more important. Once the spammers were forced to set up offshore servers to continue sending unsolicited email by the billions, the telemarketers should have seen the writing on the wall.

Besides, what is the proposed remedy? What do the weepy-eyed telemarketers who decry the new FTC rule propose? That we should continue answering our phones to receive calls we don't want? I take offense that someone would argue that it's our duty as Americans to be bothered during dinner by recorded messages about Disney vacations or aluminum siding. Every number on the federal Do Not Call list (and there are somewhere north of 50 million) represents someone who would not, under any circumstances, be interested in hearing about a service or product through an unsolicited phone call. If you think you might maybe someday want to hear such a call, you don't sign up. So, to do away with the list, or circumvent it, would only serve to increase the percentages on the "No" side of the daily call report. In what way is this a service to telemarketers?

(Laughably, at least one person thinks it's helpful. NPR followed their story on the ATA convention with another of their dull-eyed, half-witted "commentators," who said that she once worked in a telemarketing office – hocking unwanted Spuds McKenzie overstock – and she isn't going on the Do Not Call list because she remembers how it feels to be rejected. Setting aside her apparent surprise that the most common response to the question, "May I interrupt whatever you're doing and try to sell you something you don't want?" is "No," how does she think that abstaining from the Do Not Call list will reduce the rejection quotient of the average telemarketing foot soldier? She knows she doesn't want the product or service in question, but she'll listen to the pitch to make the caller feel better? She's still going to say no. In my book, that qualifies as rejection.)

But even if, for some reason, total call volume is more important than percentage of successful calls – who really loses if the telemarketers are driven out of business? If it's truly unprofitable to only call those people who want to hear from you, then why should the industry survive? Certainly the consumer has nothing to lose from telemarketers going away. And if the businesses who contract with them are operating on such flimsy profit margins that they can't stay in business without trumping up pretend sweepstakes to call us at home about – so long to them, too! We're not talking about the long distance carriers and the newspapers who bother you about switching or subscribing; they'll be fine without telemarketing. We're talking about losing the companies who peddle surplus Spuds McKenzie keychains or swampland timeshares. Products that they have to trick you into buying. Such products and companies don't belong in the system. If they collapse as a result of being unable to hassle you on the phone, it's economic Darwinism at work.

One unfortunate loophole is that companies who have "a pre-existing business relationship" with you may still call you. It's a shame this was not outlined more specifically, because in my experience the pre-existing relationship has nothing to do with the call. Discover will call me not about my credit account but about car insurance. With big conglomerates and subsidiary companies, the pre-existing relationship concept can be stretched pretty thin. Some larger telemarketing firms are even trying to establish that relationship surreptitiously, by sending coupons in the mail or online. For example, you receive a flier in your mailbox that purports to be a survey. Which is your favorite soda, Pepsi or Coke? Send in the survey and we'll mail you a coupon for a free case of whichever soda you choose. But the fine print says that sending in the survey will establish a business relationship with ABC Direct Marketing, allowing them to call you for another three months. Ick.

What's unfortunate is that enough lonely bozos said "yes" in the first place and made telemarketing seem like a profitable business. I would say that the majority of us do not make purchasing decisions based on whatever phone call happens to float past us. We decide what we want to buy and we go about looking for it, at the store or in the phone book or online. That a fraction of a percent (seriously, these are the numbers that drive the spam industry) agree to conduct business based on a cold phone call makes the telemarketing industry think there's money to be made – if they could just get their call volume up, then the law of averages would kick in and they'd be rich! It's a shame they can't shut up and just let us come to them if we want to buy something. That would be a real service.

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