Tue, February 18, 2003

The musical opens with Dubya the Frustrated Prince sitting high atop his castle feeding his enormous pet dragon, Deficit, and lavishing his affection on it. The more he feeds the giant, bloated dragon, the more golden eggs it lays for him to distribute to his wealthy friends. But the prince seems distracted and he winds the mechanical heart of his toy jester Cheney to make it dance while he vocalizes his laments...

DUBYA
I was told that I dreamed
To be Prince of this land
They said I wanted power
In the palm of my hand

I was told I could lead
And give gold to my friends
But no one ever told me
That is where the fun ends

I was told that I thought
We should roll back some laws
I was told that I wanted
To drill through permafrost

I was told to think this
I was told to say that
Now I've done what I'm told,
I don't know where I'm at

I did things for my friends
And they thanked me with glee
But now I want to do
Something only for me!

The prince jumps to his feet and announces that he knows what will cure his ennui– he will avenge the attempt on the life of his father King George by the evil sorcerer Hussein!

Prince Dubya sends his parrot, Ari, to talk to the people of his kingdom and enlist their support for an attack on Hussein.

ARI
It's war! It's war!
The kingdom is at war!
We soon will be at war to undo the evil done!

THE VILLAGERS
What for? What for?
We're hungry and we're poor!
Let's put domestic problems on agenda number one!

ARI
It's war! It's war!
Why must I sell it more?
The Sorcerer Hussein has control of our supply!

THE VILLAGERS
Oh sure! Oh sure!
What do we need it for?
Our needs are met without him; what's your hard-on for this guy?

ARI
It's war! It's war!
Hussein controls the store!
Your SUV needs fuel to make it go around the block!

THE VILLAGERS
It's war! It's war!
Our Hummers must have more!
The unemployment office is too far away to walk!

The people allied behind him, Dubya begins making ready to attack. He sends his noble knight, Sir Blix, to reconnoiter the desert terrain. Meanwhile, Hussein has learned of the danger he is in, and surrounds himself with doubles to trick potential assassins.

HUSSEIN DOUBLES
It's the hard-knock life for us!
It's the hard-knock life for us!

HUSSEIN
'Steada treaties,

HUSSEIN DOUBLES
We get tricks!

HUSSEIN
'Steada blessings,

HUSSEIN DOUBLES
We get Blix!

ALL
It's the hard-knock life!
Didn't mean to do no harm,
Now they want us to disarm!

HUSSEIN
We don't even got

HUSSEIN DOUBLES
No nukes!

HUSSEIN
But they're puttin' up

HUSSEIN DOUBLES
Their dukes!

ALL
It's the hard-knock life!

And, in a dark cave nestled in a mountainous region, the madman KimJong is hatching his own plans...

KIMJONG
Eternal Monopoly banker,
Policing, controlling the game.
Methinks he's been blinded by rancor –
The threats are no longer the same.

When Dubya is feeling rebukeful,
Hussein is his main whipping boy.
But I've been stockpiling a nukeful!
Just wait 'til he sees my new toy!

He thinks, in his "Axis of Evil,"
Hussein is the worst of the three.
FoxNews, if you've got a TV-ful,
Prepare for a side dish of me!

Unawares, Dubya's camp continues its planning. While the majority of his villagers firmly support the young prince, neighboring monarchs are less than convinced. Ari's deftly spun yarns have a limited reach, and someone with more experience is needed to address the court of world opinion.

Powell, the wise elder statesman, addresses the representatives of foreign lands under a giant circus tent. He holds up large visual aids as he sings to the assembled multitudes.

POWELL
Look at it!

ASSEMBLY (in unison)
We see it!

POWELL
It's a picture of a train!

He dances around the center ring as he flips forward in his presentation.

POWELL
Look at this!

ASSEMBLY
We see that!

POWELL
These are weapons of Hussein!

He dances some more and pulls a vial from his satchel.

POWELL
See this vial!

ASSEMBLY
What a vial!

POWELL
Anthrax poison he might have!

The representatives dance their way down to the center ring.

POWELL
He's a kook!

ASSEMBLY
He's a nut!

ALL
Bombing is the only salve!

They all join hands and start dancing in circles around the big top. A few representatives sit on the sidelines muttering to themselves.

THE FEW
We want facts!
Show us facts!
Speculation's not enough.

We veto!
We say no!
Your photographs are pretty rough.

Dubya watches the dancers as they circle 'round and 'round, a grin appearing on his face. "To war!" he cries and the curtain falls on Act I.

Gentle readers, we are all participants in the unfolding of Act II. (Woe is us.)

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