Mon, February 15, 1999

"No regrets"
(to be said with the proper desperate, unconvinced inflection)

February 12, 1999 - Evening: Andy calls Candy, wanting aloe vera gel for his sunburn and also to invite Holly and Candy to dinner with him and Jameson.

7:15 PM: Departure for El Cholo's. It's hard to find parking there. "Mother of pearl!" While we wait to be seated, Andy - aka Mr. Salmon - nuzzles a metal pole (it's soothing) and Jameson searches the streets for and ATM (not for the last time). After we're done, the waiter ignores us and it takes forever to get our check.

9:15 PM: To Jameson's to find movie times on the Internet. Mac commercial. Seven minutes of Frasier. Playing Miss the Wall Sconce! with the green ball.

About 10:00 PM: Departure to catch the 11 o'clock show of Blast from the Past . But, passing the Radisson hotel, Holly utters the fateful words, "I wanna sleep in a hotel." To which Jameson responds with the even more fateful words, "Let's go to Vegas."

Much cruising of the freeways in various directions. Second guessing. Haircut appointments? Toothpaste?

Back to Annenberg to pack a few necessities, cancel hair, figure out how to get projector to Katie, etc. We don't tell anybody where we're going, even Rhea and Jess, whom we see and talk to.

11:10 PM: Andy gets gas. The rest take bets on which medical ailment Andy will complain about next, given the misery he's been enduring from the Mexican dinner (kinda gives new meaning to the phrase "Andy gets gas," doesn't it? Eww. I can't believe I just wrote that). Jameson bets on his left leg or his butt. (Note: everybody lost - Andy's next complaint was re: his sunburn.)

11:21 PM: Indiana Jones departure.

Please note: the time warp and its resulting continuity problems first appear here.

Plastic on the road, police stopping traffic, and a slow, bright shooting star witnessed by first Andy and then Holly.

Crosswinds in the mountains. Trains for Jameson. Further betting about when Holly will next point out the insanity of the present expedition ("This is crazy! We're crazed!"). Holly attempts to complain about an ailment ("My ears won't pop"), but Jameson objects: "Leave the medical complaints to Andy. You can't pull it off." Somewhere in here it becomes February 13, 1999.

Discussion of Andy's screenplay. Squirrel Nut Zippers, Truman Show, Dance Hall Crashers, Dave Matthews Band. "Italian neorealism eats shit." Zxyzx Road. Corona Borealis (?) and Orion.

Andy has to pee. Bandicoot! He begins to weep hysterically. And flat-out refuses to stop at rest areas.

The world's largest thermometer reads 36 degrees as we sail past.

About 2:50 AM: Primm, Round One. Off the freeway. "Truckers are V.I.P.s at Whiskey Pete's!" Back on the freeway–in the wrong direction. In desperation, Andy sends the car across the dusty median. "Everything's always open in Nevada." Is McDonald's open? Nope. Gas station? Nope. Into casino #1 (old women are still up gambling) and finally: blessed relief (especially for Andy). Weird ladies in the bathroom. Celene Dion on the radio. Andy loses $1.25 in the slots.

Onward: Luxor light. Jameson's statistic: Vegas hosts 250 demolitions a year. The Strip appears.

The Venetian looks like it's gonna be a really cool place.

Mr. and Mrs. Simmons (aka Jameson and Candy) head into Treasure Island to check out the rates. Andy and Holly wait outside, being told to move the car repeatedly by various valet-types. Candy and Jameson are slow returning, prompting the following [profoundly ironic] statement: "Oh, good, I bet they got us a room!"

Treasure Island: $140 for one room.
Luxor: $149
MGM Grand: Line at desk too long to even bother with.
San Remi (losing hope): $90 "and all the secondhand smoke you can ask for."
Holiday Inn: $250 for a suite. Or $109 for a smoking room with one king bed. Noooooo!

"Let's go back to Primm, and whatever we find there, we take , agreed?"

Andy finds out that Candy's grandparents live in Las Vegas, and almost turns the car around.

Very low fingernail moon following us on the left horizon. Scorpio.

That red Eclipse that passed us going passes us again as we leave. At least, we choose to believe it's the same one.

We scream through Jean ("in-JEAN-ioius!") to Primm.

About 5:15 AM: Primm, Round Two. Sitting outside the barn, waiting for Candy and Jameson to come tell us the place is full or that a single room with a ratty blanket on the floor costs #3,425 for one night. Jumpy. What the hell are we gonna do–what the hell have we done?

Happiness! $38.15 a night (which is at this point down to six and a half hours). We can even get two rooms. But heaven forbid there be an obvious parking space–Holly and Andy search while Candy and Jameson register.

Once inside, Andy quickly gambles $5. Ends up with $6.

And, although the room numbers begin with the same digits, they aren't even on the same floor (6014 is on the 10th floor, 6422 is on the 14th). We head upstairs in the wrong building (??). Backtrack. Finally we locate our rooms. With delightful "wood" panelling and cowboy boot-themed bedspreads. Mineral water in the tap (Holly awakens poor Candy to announce that) and the sun just beginning to light the sky beyond the mountain silhouettes out the window. Beyond the roller-coaster supports, that is.

Holly calls home, leaves a cryptic message. "Hair/body shampoo" in the shower.

About 6:00 AM: Bed. Sweet bed.

9:50 AM: A rumble begins outside the window.

10:00 AM: The rumble grows...grows...peaks...pause...then: AIIEEEEE! Every few minutes. Holly dreams of horrible roller coaster accidents featuring innocent families with young children and Spike and Dru from Buffy.

Rummmmble rummmmmble rummmmmble [pause] AIEEEEEEE!

11:00 AM: Wake-up call. Candy showers, Holly calls home and finally–maybe–wins Rebecca's Respect for All Time.

Rummmmmmmble rummmmmmmble [pause] AIIIEEEEEEEE!

Andy's vitreous humor screams out in agony as he puts his contacts in. [Note: don't let Jameson discuss the concept of vitreous humor with you while writing a list like this.]

12:00 PM (check-out time): Holly and Candy visit Andy and Jameson's room (on the 14th floor) to see the roller coaster from there. Rmmmmmble rmmmmble [pause] AIIIEEEEE! Jameson saw a hat fly off earlier.

We feel like it's 7 AM. But no. We check out.

Andy stops to put some coins in a slot machine.

Andy and Candy ride the "Desperado" (aka "Rmmmmble rmmmmmble [pause] AIIEEEE!"). Holly and Jameson faithfully trek all the way around the building to find the best vantage point from which to observe and create a photographic record of their friends' possible demise and/or high-pitched screaming. Soon after, Andy and Candy scream by. Actually, Candy isn't screaming....

When we reconnect after the ride, Andy's already gambling.

To "Miss Ashley's Buffet." In line, seeing "B-B-Q Beff Ribs" listed on the menu board, we begin to wonder if we really want to eat here. "Well, if we go look for someplace else and then come back here, we'll only have to be behind about 20 Hell's Angels..." –who are all middle-aged at the youngest. One woman jumps up on the fake rock wall, lies there on her back, and shrieks at her biker buddies. Her nametag, reports Jameson, reads "Toot."

Porcupine Hair Boy. Root beer or iced tea? The beff ribs are disgusting. Fro-yo for the boys. And A Toast To Spontaneity.

After a stop in the "general store" for postcards, we're off to gamble, starting right off with the big time: the 5 cnet machines. Eventually Andy and Jameson escalate all the way to the roulette table, whre they bet $4 a pop and lose everything but one $4 that Jameosn wins and then promptly bets again–and loses. "Don't take this the wrong way, but your hair's a great color." (The "wrong" way. Uh, huh.)

Andy wins $10 in a slot machine and we elect to quit on a high note. He gets in converted to quarters for laundry. We all steal coin cups and share the quarters around so that it looks like we won some stuff, too.

Stop in at Whiskey Pete's (where truckers are still V.I.P.s) for bathrooms, food, and gas, but they don't really have food.

About 3:00 PM: We're off to L.A.

Holly starts this list.

Baker, CA: "The Gateway to Death Valley." "Bun Boy" restaurant and hotel. Dennis, the nice check-out dude in the convenience store, tells Candy how many tequila lollypops with actual worms inside the store sells. We buy drinks (not Bun Boy purified brand water, though). Cute owl postcard! Oooh! Pop rocks. Cookies. Jameson's Barbie coloring book and crayons.

Jameson just now comments: "Don't forget to note that if you're going to work as a receptionist in a major Las Vegas hotel, lipliner is a must-buy." There, okay, Jameson?

Before leaving Baker, we pause to breathe the desert air. Such as it is in a parking lot. On the way back to the road: the Tropical Hawaiian hotel (with trampoline) and the Mad Greek Cafe.

4:34 PM: On the road again. Dave on the stereo, Jameson coloring, sand and cactus in the desert, Candy taking pictures out the window, and sundogs in the sky ahead of us.

4:41 PM: Pass signs for a monastery and an "Early Man Site."

5:39 PM: Beautiful sunset ending over snowy mountains. Chris Isaak playing now. 73 miles to L.A.

Stuck in traffic: trying to get around that red Aspire. We succeed. Then our lane stalls and here it comes past us: "Noooo! NOOO!" Following our defeat, Jameson comments: "They're serving pumpkin pie in that car." Traffic. Lots of traffic. We're going crazy. Then Andy remembers that Prairie Home Companion's on the radio. Garrison's soothing voice doing Valentine's Day stuff. Finally the traffic breaks up as downtown appears in the distance.

7:35 PM: Arrive back at Annenberg, cramped, exhausted, and happy. Viva Las Vegas, huh.

"Spontaneous me, Nature, The loving day, the mounting sun, the friend[s] I am happy with"
- Walt Whitman

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