Mon, September 26, 2005

TiVo was bursting at the seams this week with series premieres. If you're looking for shows about alien visitors (preferably amphibian) or sitcoms with narrators, you have a lot to choose from. (If you're looking for purely awful television, you've also got quite a range of options.)

Surface

(NBC, 8:00 Mondays)

Despite the cast of thousands in the pilot, Surface tells the story of three people: a marine biologist, a diver/spear fisherman (not Rupert Boneham), and a kid. Each of whom have had an experience with a breed of large, slimy sea creatures – seemingly extra-terrestrial – that is being investigated by a secretive government scientist. The series begins, as all shows do when they're directly ripping off Jaws, with youngsters carousing drunkenly around the water at night. One of them gets brushed by "something in the water" and is convinced that it's more than just a really big fish. Meanwhile, the diver loses his brother to a flotilla of the creatures, and the marine biologist (Lake Bell, excellent in brief stints on Miss Match and Boston Legal) nearly has her mini-sub crushed by a monster emerging from a deep sea vent she was exploring. (During her descent, she recaps for the benefit of the home viewer that she plans to "collect biological samples to support the theory that the hot vent ecosystem is the origin of all life on the planet." At which point, the NBC feed suddenly goes dead in Dover, PA, and most of Kansas.)

Towards the end of the episode, Surface stops ripping off Jaws and starts ripping off Close Encounters. The three main characters, stymied by a government cover-up, find themselves drawn to the carcass of one of the creatures which has beached itself on the South Carolina shore. (I keed – you can tick off a list of the moments and techniques lifted from Jaws, but it's really more "homage" than "rip-off." The NBC website points out how much the show's fraternal creators adore Spielberg.)

This wasn't one of the shows I expected to like very much, but its polished, well paced pilot really won me over. Lake Bell is terrific (as always) and the show has a very filmic feel, with quality CG effects (versus quantity – a fantastic choice) an epic sensibility (epic for TV, anyway). Spread out over locations from Antarctica to Maine to Northern California to the Gulf Coast and more, the show feels a lot like a movie of the week or mini-series; it will be interesting to see how it develops into a longer-form series instead. Distributing the action over such a broad geography will make for an interesting itinerant tone and allow for lots of short and engaging guest appearances. Narratively, the show holds together nicely – it builds in a number of the beats you expect (the kid brings home a gooey egg sac and hides it in the family aquarium, to hilarious effect; the marine biologist confronts the government scientist, unsuccessfully), and leaves the story open for more to develop. Which is just about all you can ask of a pilot.

Kitchen Confidential

(Fox, 8:30 Mondays)

This single-camera sitcom about the hectic goings-on in the kitchen of a misfit chef and his ragtag staff needs to be paced more quickly – the timing of any single-camera show needs to be punchier than that of its laugh-tracked brethren, but particularly following the frenetic pace of time slot lead-in Arrested Development, the jokes on Kitchen Confidential seem to have a little too much breathing room.

The cast is impressive – a faultless ensemble including Nicholas Brendon (Buffy), John Francis Daley (Freaks and Geeks), Jaime King (Sin City), and Bonnie Somerville (In-Laws and Friends), and headlined by Bradley Cooper as Jack Bourdain, the fictionalized version of bad-boy chef Anthony Bourdain, whose book inspired the series. Cooper is probably best known as Will Tippin, the plucky and irritating journalist friend from the first two years of Alias, but he was also in Wet Hot American Summer, so he's not entirely without a comedic background. Problem is, in Kitchen Confidential, he still seems to be playing Tippin.

The pilot fails to be laugh-out-loud funny, but shows more potential than most new comedies this season, and earns my respect by employing an Ocean's Eleven-style team introduction, as Jack hustles to build a kitchen staff for the new restaurant. It's a necessary pilot evil that all these introductions must be fit into an episode that also attempts to tell an entertaining story, and I think it's great that Kitchen Confidential employs a device which is itself funny in order to streamline this business. Now that it's on its feet, it remains to be seen whether future episodes can deliver funnier stories.

How I Met Your Mother

(CBS, 8:30 Mondays)

Told from the perspective of a father 25 years in the future (unfortunately voiced by Bob Saget), this show relates the story you'd expect based on the title. The flashback gimmick is completely superfluous – it simply adds a "hook" to differentiate the show from what it would be otherwise: an entirely formulaic romantic sitcom with a deafening laugh track. It's a crutch to allow the writers to put in narration when they can't move the story along, and it promises to become restrictive as the show matures (if it stays on the air). The show will either lose the gimmick and change its title (Remember how Cursed became The Steven Weber Show? Me either.) or it will simply be canceled. Plunking the two child actors in front of the camera just for the sake of the frame story (wearing remarkably similar clothes to today's kids, even in 2030) will be a tedious bore. It might have been interesting if the show had followed a different path – like Back to the Future, with the 2030 situation changing at the end of each episode based on the events of the last half hour – but as it is, it's just an albatross, and one with an unfunny narrator.

The present-day part of the show illustrates typically poor sitcom writing – staccato bursts of one-liners which contradict the characters, undermine the story, and lead nowhere. The narrator Ted is roommates with Marshall, who's newly engaged to Lily (Alyson Hannigan). Marshall and Ted trade well-worn quirky roommate barbs until Lily arrives and then she and Marshall exchange banal relationship barbs. Jason Segel is simply awful as monotonous Marshall, giving Hannigan nothing to play against. Lily seems built to mirror Hannigan's American Pie character (cute and sweet, but with a wild side), but the "cute and sweet" foundation is lacking and as adorable as Hannigan is, she lacks the chops to deliver sitcom lines naturally. The chemistry between Ted and Robin (his new love interest) is hit-and-miss, but it's cute enough to pull you in – then at the end of the episode Saget tells his kids, "That's how I met your Aunt Robin." On the one hand, this is a clever subversion of the often laborious will they/won't they energy (cf. Ross and Rachel), with a great big THEY WON'T. But the problem is that the show has just spent half an hour laying out the endearing Ted and Robin chemistry, and now it feels like wasted time.

Just when you're ready to change the channel and never look back, there's Neil Patrick Harris, as Ted's offbeat friend Barney. Like Jennifer Connelly in The Hulk, he rams a fork right into the eye of my ability to write this show off. His funny lines are overwritten, reeking of the non sequiturs sitcom writers employ as they desperately try to hammer the goofy charm of Scrubs into a show that isn't built for it. Nevertheless, Harris bursts onto the screen in a fireball of spectacular hilarity and never lets go. He squeezes amazing comedy out of seemingly fruitless lines, making each moment -worthy; he simply runs away with every scene he's in. Harris's Barney doesn't fit in, but he remains unapologetically bizarre – never softening his approach, just demanding that Ted convert to the Barney Way. Answering his cell phone in the middle of plans Ted was too hip to join, Barney barks, "How's not playing laser tag? Because playing laser tag is awesome!" and he ends every conversation by exhorting Ted to "suit up!" Sure these are stale Idiosyncratic Character Beats right out of the Sitcom Writer Emergency Toolkit, but in Harris's hands they're gold. He's the only thing How I Met Your Mother has going for it, and you can tell CBS knows it: almost every line in their promos is from him, despite the fact that he's a supporting character in the show. Future weeks will see the Barney character taking more and more screen time away from the dull jabbering of the other characters; otherwise I'll give up and quit watching for good.

Just Legal

(WB, 9:00 Mondays)

Venice, California. Babes on roller skates with fake boobs. Guys with parrots on their shoulders. Muscle-bound hulks in Speedos. And, office space for attorneys who have been comically mismatched with seemingly incompatible foils. Just down the bike path from the offices set up by Chris O'Donnell and Adam Goldberg at the end of the Head Cases pilot, we find Don Johnson and Jay Baruchel. Johnson is Grant Cooper, a washed up trial lawyer who trashed his reputation by putting himself on the line for one too many innocent clients staring down the barrel of the Corrupt American Judicial System, and Baruchel is "Skip" Ross, a fresh faced prodigy who apparently graduated law school at the age of nine. (His nickname comes from all those grades he skipped.) A flimsy TV premise forces Cooper to take Ross into his practice, and Ross's boyish optimism reconnects Cooper with his long lost idealism in a stirring turn that surprises none but the most underdeveloped of mentally challenged toddlers. Even with an appearance by the fetching and partially clad Peyton List (from the WB Hottie Farm), Just Legal is nothing but television poison. Next week in the same time slot: color bars. Expect a 15-20% ratings bump.

Out of Practice

(CBS, 9:30 Mondays)

Out of Practice comes from fine pedigree. Frasier producers, Henry Winkler, and Stockard Channing. And Paula Marshall, who's starred in everything – I love her. It's also about characters, which is good – no extraordinary gimmick, although the premise is a bit cutesy: Christopher Gorham is a couples therapist, while everyone else in his family is a successful big time doctor. But there's a distinct feeling that the show remains at arm's length for the entire episode. It never feels like an episode of Friends or even King of Queens, where you get wrapped up in the story and forget it's a sitcom on a set. The actors are still working out their timing, and with some awkward blocking and a handful of sitcom clichés, the results are mixed. The middle of the episode is a farcical misunderstanding in which Gorham's wife breaks up with him on his answering machine and everyone in the family hears it but him. This works almost as well as it would have on Frasier, although it does strain believability a little. It's tough picking sitcoms these days, especially studio audience sitcoms, because in a field with Scrubs and Arrested Development, they all seem forced. Out of Practice feels flat, but maybe it's just the typical strain associated with fitting everything into a pilot. Then again, I never laughed out loud or even thought, "Now that's clever!" – and I certainly don't need any new sitcoms. (Also, Gorham's office is below street level, with pedestrians' ankles strolling by the windows – this sort of thing is bad for sitcoms, just look at Luis.)

By the way, is NCIS any good? Does anyone have data on this? I always ignored it, assuming it was targeted at batty shut-ins in housecoats and slippers who used to watch JAG and Touched by an Angel while cuddling their mangy menagerie. But the CBS promos show a wisecracking edge I wouldn't have expected. And I certainly remember loving Mark Harmon on The West Wing.

My Name Is Earl

(NBC, 9:00 Tuesdays)

You'd have to work very hard indeed to be unaware of My Name Is Earl, in which Jason Lee stars as Earl, a guy who's trying to right his past transgressions in order to restore balance to his karma. He doesn't really know what "karma" means, but seconds after winning a hundred grand in the lottery, he's hit by a car, and he decides his history of selfishness and petty crime is to blame. Earl makes a list of everything he's ever done wrong, and each week he'll try to "fix" one of those items, kind of like the anti-Fugitive. So far, the show is funny enough, although Lee seems oddly unsure of himself. He's so great in the movies, but something about his performance in Earl is withheld – he needs to relax and treat it like any other gig. In the meantime, the cast around him is picking up the slack, particularly Jaime Pressly who displays impressive comic chops we haven't seen before in lowbrow duds like Tomcats and Not Another Teen Movie. Despite its jitters, Earl is easily the most promising new comedy of the season – not that there's much competition.

E-Ring

(NBC, 9:00 Wednesdays)

I read that Dennis Hopper took a pay cut to do E-Ring, but I think that says less about the quality of the show and more about the general demand for Dennis Hopper. E-Ring steps – or rather, marches – right into the shoes left by Threat Matrix: fantasy stories about America's righteous military complex, reassuring viewers that for every Katrina debacle, there are dozens of classified black-ops missions that snatch the world from the jaws of total annihilation with the clever use of infrared satellite cameras. Certainly this is true to some extent, but dressing it up with this glassy-eyed boy scout purity of spirit is ridiculous.

Besides that, E-Ring is some of the worst television of the year. Hopper's moods swing from bitter tough love to gumdrop hugs in an instant, and in spite of a lot of Pentagon secrecy, Benjamin Bratt (the new guy) is constantly blurting out highly classified secrets to his CIA analyst girlfriend or anyone who might be listening on an unsecured phone line. The show herald's Bratt's plucky determination as he cuts through decades-old red tape, but even after he skirts protocol and calls in favors, it's just a group of the most powerful men in the Pentagon and the CIA sitting around a table watching grainy satellite footage and praying the Chinese don't catch them violating international law. It's two-fisted tales of hard combat, told from the perspective of the pencil pushers who authorize the budget. How was that ever intended to be watchable television?

Invasion

(ABC, 10:00 Wednesdays)

"This family drama contains images of a fictional hurricane and its aftermath. Due to recent events, viewers may be sensitive to some of the following images."

What's wrong with people? If you can't just trust your goddamn audience to understand that the stories in the magic moving picture box are pretend, hurricanes are the least of your problems – you've got to wrangle a nationwide panic over the alien invasion. What will be the warning when the inevitable Katrina movies of the week air during November sweeps? Where was the warning on Lost for plane crash survivors? Or the warning on The War at Home for people with decent taste in television?

I was expecting to like Invasion more than most of this year's new dramas, but even with the impressive might of Tommy Schlamme behind it, the show feels tired and formulaic. There's an icky pod-people angle (as opposed to iPod people, which I'd happily endorse!), and it seems like they'll be misusing William Fichtner, the only actor in the cast. Eddie Cibrian (the show's hero) is so bland he's almost invisible. Lisa Sheridan is mighty cute as his new girlfriend, a local TV reporter, but other than her it's hard to identify with any of the characters. The kids Cibrian shares from his failed marriage with Fichtner's new girlfriend range from annoyingly huffy to downright obnoxious. (Running around in a hurricane looking for her cat? That little girl is too stupid to live; just leave her out there.) The "aftermath of divorce" plotline is overwrought, a convenient device to bring two otherwise separate families together around the same pair of kids. It leads to exactly the beats you've come to expect from separated parents in disaster movies, and you can see the clichés coming in future episodes as the struggles of divorce parallel the pod-people conspiracy. There's a nice speech from Fichtner's daughter about the difference between truth and TV journalism, how the media stirs up stories then placates viewers with half-truths before moving on to the next story. But it's hammered into a show where it doesn't belong, and Invasion has little else to offer. The suspense is compelling enough, but the potential for future intrigue is much stronger on Surface or Threshold.

Everybody Hates Chris

(UPN, 8:00 Thursdays)

Based on the childhood of creator and narrator Chris Rock, this show puts an unexpected and welcome twist on the dysfunctional family sitcom – it's heartwarming and endearing. The show is full of cute, witty moments, like Chris diving on the toilet with an armload of pillows to try to keep his father from waking up after his sister uses the restroom. A few of these will be familiar from Rock's stand-up routine, like his penny-pinching father grousing about the family's wasteful habits ("That's 89¢ worth of chicken!" "You can't tell time when you're sleeping – unplug that clock, that's two cents an hour!"). It's a warm and funny show with a great cast – the dad in particular is hilarious – and it's easy to see why it's been getting so many good reviews. The only shortcoming in the pilot was its main story: Chris's interactions with his dad and siblings were fun, but his battle with the school bully didn't add much that we haven't already seen in countless sitcom retellings of the same struggle.

Criminal Minds

(CBS, 9:00 Wednesdays)

Mandy Patinkin (Chicago Hope) stars as an FBI profiler who quotes Churchill and Emerson and has a savant-level ability to predict specific details about a criminal. But he's had a nervous breakdown on the job, so he's teaching classes at Quantico and taking a break. Until a big case comes along and the FBI pulls him back into active duty, on a team with Dharma & Greg's Thomas Gibson and Shemar Moore (WB's Birds of Prey). The moments when Patinkin is on a roll are fascinating, but it sort of begs the question: why have an entire profiler team, if they're all just standing around while one guy explains everything? Also, how smart is it to relay all this detailed behavioral analysis on television, where it's freely available to any wackjob serial killer?

Anyway, I was unable to remain indifferent about this show, despite my best efforts (it conflicts with Lost and Veronica Mars – a decision I'd rather not face). Its impressive performances pulled me in and its uniquely straightforward approach won me over. Criminal Minds eschews flashy tricks like CSI's computer-enhanced 3D tours of the inside of a skull. Its opening title "sequence" is just a card with the show's title in a pretty font. The only visual device the show uses is a sort of virtual reality flashback, which projects the crime scene around Patinkin as he discusses its clues in a boardroom briefing – much like Medical Investigation did with Neal McDonough. And its crimesolving is more like Batman than CSI: reasoning things out rather than using microscopes and lab tech. I'm endlessly impressed with this decision to strip away the glitzy add-ons and focus on the story. Patinkin plays an intriguing character with his usual stylish gravitas, and the supporting cast is full of bright, talented performers. The show is structured like someone took a look at TV and decided to fix what's wrong with it. It's a shame Fox dumped The Inside in the summer and then canceled it – it was all of these things and better – but Criminal Minds comes very close.

One thing was kind of creepy, though: DJ Qualls is listed at the top of the episode in the guest star credits – then, halfway in, Patinkin starts profiling the killer: "Early 20s, white, light frame, nerdy. Doesn't stand out." It defuses the suspense a little when he starts profiling one of the guys from the credits!

Ghost Whisperer

(CBS, 8:00 Fridays)

I wanted this show to be more like its time slot forebear Joan of Arcadia, because I have no problem enjoying sappy TV shows if they're done right and I am happy for any excuse to watch Jennifer Love Hewitt. However, it fails hopelessly in every area: the performances are scattershot, the rules of the spirit world are constantly contradicting themselves, and the logic of the show is in tatters. Love has apparently been interacting with spirits for years, but she's still fearful of ghosts, and unprepared for even the simplest of requests. Her new husband is fully aware of her gift/curse, but seems to think he can help her make it go away. Ghosts treat the whole thing like a hostage negotiation – they're allowed to make demands, so even if they don't want anything, they cook up some kooky request. Or they ask her to tell their loved ones where they left the safe deposit box key, but seem unconcerned with communicating anything else ("I love you," perhaps?). And the unnecessarily long title sequence is a bizarre creepfest that seems like a cross between a Buñuel film and a Robert Palmer video.

Killer Instinct

(Fox, 9:00 Fridays)

This utterly unremarkable police detective show covers "deviant" crimes in the San Francisco area. (Hee! The most overworked unit in the city!) There's nothing interesting about the show at all, although the tarantula-based murders in the pilot are exceedingly creepy. The murderer tracks down single young women, releases a few poisonous tarantulas under her door, and then once they've paralyzed her, he breaks in to rape her and leave her for dead. We're told they'll bite any warm-blooded animal, so I guess it makes sense that they beeline straight for the sleeping beauties as soon as they're in the apartment, but how does he know when they're finished? The plan is to paralyze her in her sleep, so it's not like he'll hear her scream or collapse or anything. Then later, in his lab, he's cornered with another young beauty, and he has to run and get his spiders when he wants to subdue her. Even in a pinch, he can't just bop someone with a candlestick? I'm imagining him being mugged at an ATM: "Don't shoot! Just... hold on a minute! Let me get my thick gloves on and fish these spiders out of my satchel..."

Inconceivable

(NBC, 10:00 Fridays)

This show about the goings-on in a pricey fertility clinic has a cute, bouncy tone – but it needs to be at least as silly as the last season of Ally McBeal to get away with such a goofy pun for a title. You can't name your show after the most quoted comic line in The Princess Bride and then expect it to be taken seriously as a "dramedy." Co-creator Marco Pennette has been responsible for such forgettable bombs as Conrad Bloom and Union Square, as well as the greatest offense to television ever created: Caroline in the City. So, it should come as no surprise that the show fumbles its tone and the characters are all completely obnoxious. Even the opening titles are off-putting: animated spermatozoa dance around the actors' names like something out of a high school health class filmstrip. Ick.

Returning Shows

Arrested Development is back, and its lightning-quick hijinks are as fantastic as ever. Forced by fear of cancelation to rush the kiss between Maebe and George Michael at the end of last season, the show is now reveling in the new possibilities. Everyone remains in tip-top form – it should be another excellent season. Word has it NBC's The Office got a lot better about three episodes into last season, after I'd already stopped watching. NBC Universal is missing no opportunity to remind people that they loved Steve Carell in The 40-Year-Old Virgin, even digitally waxing the NBC logo into his chest hair. This season's premiere was plenty enjoyable, but they seem to be accelerating the romance story, which could be a dicey choice. Still Standing and King of Queens are still the only multi-camera sitcoms worth watching. I'm finished with Two and a Half Men – it's not particularly bad, but it's not that good either, and it aggravates me by recycling tired sitcom plots and expecting me to accept them because now there are some "edgy" lines in them. I don't need to take up TiVo space with mediocre sitcoms – I've got NewsRadio DVDs if I need a quick half hour of entertainment.

Arrested Development
King of Queens
Two and a Half Men
Las Vegas
The Office
Still Standing
Lost
Joey
CSI
NUMB3RS

Premiering This Week

The West Wing: NBC, Sunday at 8:00 (last night – oops!)
Grey's Anatomy: ABC, Sunday at 10:00
The Amazing Race: CBS, Tuesday at 9:00
Commander In Chief: ABC, Tuesday at 9:00
Boston Legal: ABC, Tuesday at 10:00
Veronica Mars: UPN, Wednesday at 9:00
Alias: ABC, Thursday at 8:00
Smallville: WB, Thursday at 8:00
Nightstalker: ABC, Thursday at 9:00
Without a Trace: CBS, Thursday at 10:00

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